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Old 08-21-2009, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,553 posts, read 6,721,547 times
Reputation: 8575

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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
I understand what you're saying. But savings don't last forever either. This family's financial life is resting on a slender reed, and if that doesn't motivate him what will?
That's the big question. Only he can decide that. What should she do - leave him? I was no angel, either, when my husband got laid off and became lethargic. It didn't help matters when I let off steam. I had to wait it out. Eventually, he got tired of it.
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:28 AM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,849 posts, read 9,396,802 times
Reputation: 4021
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
I suggested he start a sports blog. He said he doesn't have anything special to say. I suggested he dress business every day. He thought this was silly because most of the time, he doesn't even leave the house. And to Woof Woof, he actually DID come out and use almost your exact words: "I'm a loser because I can't support you guys"

Mostly, I feel let down. They always say a crisis reveals your true character. This has revealed to me that in a crisis, he curls up in the fetal position on the floor. I do NOT like my kids seeing a role model like this.
Tell him to go see a Dr.
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:36 AM
 
4,253 posts, read 9,422,807 times
Reputation: 5140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
That's the big question. Only he can decide that. What should she do - leave him? I was no angel, either, when my husband got laid off and became lethargic. It didn't help matters when I let off steam. I had to wait it out. Eventually, he got tired of it.
I have the same mindset. Job loss has never happened to us, since he's self-employed, but tough times have. I've learned the hard way how nagging and my constant questions of "what are you going to do?" drive him into the ground, not lift him up.
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:38 AM
 
4,253 posts, read 9,422,807 times
Reputation: 5140
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
They always say a crisis reveals your true character. This has revealed to me that in a crisis, he curls up in the fetal position on the floor. I do NOT like my kids seeing a role model like this.
I must be getting older. I find myself questioning any "axioms". Is it true, what "they say"?

I have gone through a crisis where my response was - curl up in a fetal position, for close to a year. And I'm the take-control person. I needed space to grieve and to wait, not being pushed.
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:41 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,962,287 times
Reputation: 46662
Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala View Post
I must be getting older. I find myself questioning any "axioms". Is it true, what "they say"?

I have gone through a crisis where my response was - curl up in a fetal position, for close to a year. And I'm the take-control person. I needed space to grieve and to wait, not being pushed.
Yeah, but space to grieve and wait won't do much good when the wolf's at the door, and the creditors are calling.
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:46 AM
 
4,253 posts, read 9,422,807 times
Reputation: 5140
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Yeah, but space to grieve and wait won't do much good when the wolf's at the door, and the creditors are calling.
I have the feeling he doesn't care of the financial outcome. Life is like a wind-up TV set in front of him now. She says, "You have to sing, the judges are waiting", but he doesn't care about the competition anymore?

It's up to the OP now, I think. Whether she cuts her losses right now, or keeps supporting him until he comes to his senses.
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:53 AM
 
596 posts, read 887,117 times
Reputation: 1090
I agree. I kind of feel irrelevant right now. Whether I am sweetly supportive or I kick him in the butt, the result will be the same. That's part of my problem, I have no control over the situation.
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:55 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,962,287 times
Reputation: 46662
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
I agree. I kind of feel irrelevant right now. Whether I am sweetly supportive or I kick him in the butt, the result will be the same. That's part of my problem, I have no control over the situation.
Sure you do. Send him to live with folks or friends until he gets his head together. Anything. But he's being a terrible example to his children right now.
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Old 08-21-2009, 12:24 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
55 posts, read 59,394 times
Reputation: 56
Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
Okay, here is my situation.
My husband got laid off last October. He was of course devastated. I told him that I didn't think any less of him and that I expect it to be difficult for him to find a job in the current environment. At first, he was great about it. He was frantically looking for a job everywhere he could, helped out around the house a lot, did a lot with the kids. I joked that he could be a house-husband forever because it was so pleasant for me!Then slowly, gradually, things started changing. He began looking less and less for a job. Now, it seems that he has stopped altogether. The kids are back in school and he has my 8 yr old making his own lunch in the morning. What is he doing when my 8 yr old is making his lunch? He is on a sports message board. Important stuff, huh? (Can you tell I'm bitter?)He doesn't volunteer at school or anywhere else ("I'm not a people-person")
He won't take classes to start a new career ("I'm in my 40s, it's a little late for that. Plus, I would have to then compete with everyone in that field that already has experience.")He doesn't vacuum, mop, do laundry (except his own) or clean bath/kitchen ("Back problem")He doesn't exercise at all (he's very overweight).Now, he DOES pay the bills, do grocery shopping and make dinner (half the time - the other half we go out after kids' sports practice.)What he spends MOST of his time doing is going on his sports message board. That seems to be his retreat. I know he really feels sorry for himself and his plight, but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to improve his situation.I have been as patient as I know how to be. But the more hours I have to work to make up for his lack of income, the more frustrated I get. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I came home to a clean house and clean laundry. But I usually spend the whole weekend doing laundry (that was my job when we were both working).So, what do I do? He knows how I feel about all of this, but when I bring it up, the conversation usually gets around to how sad he is that he can't find a job and how difficult it is for him. Then I end up feeling like an insensitive nag.
Seems to me that your husband knows exactly which buttons to push in order to get you to feel sorry for him and to back off "nagging" him about finding a job. He has given up because that is the easy thing to do...sit back and continue to feel bad for himself while perhaps doing just enough to keep you off his back..right?? He took the oppourtunity to become the perfect "house husband", setting you up to not get all over him about not working. When he felt he did enough to get into your good graces, he backed off of the house stuff and plunked his butt down on the computer. Did you maybe think he was job searching while he was on there or was that what he perhaps told you at first? NOT...He likes where he is or he would be actively seeking employment.

Don't buy into his excuse that he is too old to apply for some jobs out there; nothing beats experience when it comes to getting hired. My last job I had prior to retiring I was 48 when they hired me to be a Senior Admin Assistant. I stayed with it until I hit retirement age so there goes that theory for him. My husband got the job he has now when he was 44; just turned 51 and he is still going strong there.

How do you handle this?? You confront him with his behavior and when he puffs out his bottom lip and says "poor me"...you don't let up on him. Tell him that you are going to find a list of "head hunters" for him to call and that will be his new and improved computer research job instead of the sports stuff. If he hasn't got at least 3 appointments within a 2 week period to meet with these job search firms, then I would pick up the phone and make the appoitments for him. In the meantime, there are plenty of retail places out there looking for help all the time...he could always bring in some extra cash that way until something else opens up. Right now he is leaving himself open to perhaps NEVER find a good job because he is just not pro-active enough.

Good Luck...don't let your husband crumble any further than he already has as right now he is becoming a burden on you and your family.
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Old 08-21-2009, 12:28 PM
 
11,865 posts, read 16,949,277 times
Reputation: 20084
I don't agree with the "take him to the doctor" solution. If they put him on meds that just masks the problems. He needs to get out and exercise and explore the possibilities. Exercise will increase his endorphines and probably make him feel better which will lead to 10 other, better things happening.


Maybe after all the coddling a little tough love is needed.
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