Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My husband got laid off last October. He was of course devastated. I told him that I didn't think any less of him and that I expect it to be difficult for him to find a job in the current environment.
At first, he was great about it. He was frantically looking for a job everywhere he could, helped out around the house a lot, did a lot with the kids. I joked that he could be a house-husband forever because it was so pleasant for me!
Then slowly, gradually, things started changing. He began looking less and less for a job. Now, it seems that he has stopped altogether. The kids are back in school and he has my 8 yr old making his own lunch in the morning.
What is he doing when my 8 yr old is making his lunch? He is on a sports message board. Important stuff, huh? (Can you tell I'm bitter?)
He doesn't volunteer at school or anywhere else ("I'm not a people-person")
He won't take classes to start a new career ("I'm in my 40s, it's a little late for that. Plus, I would have to then compete with everyone in that field that already has experience.")
He doesn't vacuum, mop, do laundry (except his own) or clean bath/kitchen ("Back problem")
He doesn't exercise at all (he's very overweight).
Now, he DOES pay the bills, do grocery shopping and make dinner (half the time - the other half we go out after kids' sports practice.)
What he spends MOST of his time doing is going on his sports message board. That seems to be his retreat. I know he really feels sorry for himself and his plight, but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to improve his situation.
I have been as patient as I know how to be. But the more hours I have to work to make up for his lack of income, the more frustrated I get. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I came home to a clean house and clean laundry. But I usually spend the whole weekend doing laundry (that was my job when we were both working).
So, what do I do? He knows how I feel about all of this, but when I bring it up, the conversation usually gets around to how sad he is that he can't find a job and how difficult it is for him. Then I end up feeling like an insensitive nag.
Tell him that marriage is a partnership and he's not holding up his end of the bargain. Tell him that you're not interested in excuses anymore.
At the very least, you should be coming home to a clean house, the laundry done, the kids' homework done, and dinner on the stove. He needs to be a father, which means being involved at the school. And if he's not a people person, then so the hell what? Being a grown-up means doing things one doesn't necessarily like.
Now that you've handed him his head, it's then time for positive reinforcement. Tell him what he does well, and that he needs to do more of it. Set up a schedule for him doing the chores AND for looking for work. With the economy bottoming out, the dismal job picture should be improving for him over the next several months, so he needs to be prepared.
And if he's overweight and having back problems, get him out for daily exercise. Start with walks around the block and move on to whatever else. It seems as if he has major self-esteem issues. But you don't regain self-esteem by breathing. You get it back by doing things. Overweight and unemployed isn't the way to do it.
So kick his ass, and don't be unapologetic about it. There will be a few weeks of unpleasantness, to be sure, but once he gets back into the habit of being a productive person, he'll thank you.
He's slipped into a funk. Only way out of it is to force your way out. Ask him to help out more around the house. Then encourage him to take "any" job if he can't find one in his line of work. Not just for the additional paycheck but to preserve his sanity and yours. Some form of activity or exercise would help too, start with daily walks after dinner just to get started.
I am not sure anymore, cpg, about "making him", or making anybody. Losing weight, quitting drinking or smoking, looking for a job, getting to a doctor about health problems - it all should come out from within a person. A person next to him doing that for him, - it's a full time job.
Case in point: My hubby used to be apple-shaped when I met him. Let's go biking, or just walking? Couldn't, his back hurt. My lectures on healthy lifestyle and diet fell on deaf ears. Couldn't eat anything outside of his comfort zone because of allergies. A simple drop if an unknown sauce would have his lips swelled up half his face.
Well, it took a bit of a health scare, with a hospital stay for 10 days, to finally switch something in his head. He started slow weight loss, nothing of my doing, just him. Over 2 years, he's back into his younger days' weight.
Adult people, "big boys", need to have self-motivation. Her doing it for him, just enforces his "helpless" role.
To the OP, - it has to come from within himself. The desire to uphold the house, to find a job, to lose weight. If he ever arrives at that, I don't know. How you can manage while waiting for his "wake-up call", I don't know. I guess I'm not being very useful here.
Someone is getting depressed which equals lack of motivation to do anything Maybe you should explore that angle and have him see a doctor...
To avoid confrontation, I would talk to him from this standpoint. Don't accuse him of doing or not doing certain things, that just makes both of you argue. Tell him you're worried and for goodness sake remain humble. At least he does some stuff. That's more than most of the spouses we see talked about on these threads.
To the OP, - it has to come from within himself. The desire to uphold the house, to find a job, to lose weight. If he ever arrives at that, I don't know. How you can manage while waiting for his "wake-up call", I don't know. I guess I'm not being very useful here.
Sometimes a spouse HAS TO BE the "wake-up call" for a slacking mate. I had to do it. When my ex pulled something similar to what the OP is stating, and ended up on the couch for almost six years, I finally grew a pair of balls, laid everything out for him, and gave him a deadline of three months to start doing something, ANYTHING, even if it was mowing lawns or volunteering. Long story short, he did. The relationship eventually failed but it wasn't due to his being a couch potato.
I am not sure anymore, cpg, about "making him", or making anybody. Losing weight, quitting drinking or smoking, looking for a job, getting to a doctor about health problems - it all should come out from within a person. A person next to him doing that for him, - it's a full time job.
Case in point: My hubby used to be apple-shaped when I met him. Let's go biking, or just walking? Couldn't, his back hurt. My lectures on healthy lifestyle and diet fell on deaf ears. Couldn't eat anything outside of his comfort zone because of allergies. A simple drop if an unknown sauce would have his lips swelled up half his face.
Well, it took a bit of a health scare, with a hospital stay for 10 days, to finally switch something in his head. He started slow weight loss, nothing of my doing, just him. Over 2 years, he's back into his younger days' weight.
Adult people, "big boys", need to have self-motivation. Her doing it for him, just enforces his "helpless" role.
To the OP, - it has to come from within himself. The desire to uphold the house, to find a job, to lose weight. If he ever arrives at that, I don't know. How you can manage while waiting for his "wake-up call", I don't know. I guess I'm not being very useful here.
Theoretically, I kind of agree with you. But the time for self-motivation is way past. The OP no longer has the luxury of waiting around hoping hubby will find himself. For you have one person doing almost all the work in the marriage, and one person essentially sitting at home feeling sorry for himself. She's reassured. She's cajoled. She's done everything but send the guy a singing telegram. Now it's time to cut loose and scare him. That will be all the motivation he needs.
Your husband is probably depressed. Men don't deal with emotions the best. He is not going to come to you and say, "I feel like a loser because i can't provide for you and the kids."
At the same time, a man needs a women to believe in him. He needs encouragement in order to produce. He needs to feel like he is worthy and like all men, I'm sure he wants to make you happy.
He might be some depression. But as Chruchill said, "If you're gong through hell, keep going!"
Are you old enough to remember the movie, Mr. Mom (25 years ago)? Cute comedy with Michael Keaten and Terri Garr. Might rent it.
As you know, he must get moving!
1. You must require that he do one thing a day to look for work. No one needs to tell you that the employment market is very difficult right now. But each day he must do something to promote that effort.
2. You must require that he dress in work attire every day! No he need not wear a suit - but business casual (nice pants and shirt) every day - M-F. Tee shirts and jeans are for the weekend.
3. Getting the kids lunch and the laundry are his job until he has a full time job. Be firm, fair is fair.
I know all this sounds "demanding" but this type of thing will be good for him. To dress like a respectable person rather than a gubbies will improve how he feels about himself. Completing tasks will make him feel useful. This type of thing will help to overcome a mild depression. Be positive. Get him moving.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Maybe you should explore that angle and have him see a doctor...
