Being Childless and Middle Aged. (statistics, percentage, average, boys)
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I don't have children but my partner and I just got two orange KITTENS yesterday.
We love the kitties. Children, ehh, not so much.
Enjoy those kitties! Bet they are cute.
I have one child. She is grown now, and away at college. I've got four cats, though, and I am enjoying living alone for the first time in my life (alone being without other HUMANS, of course.)
I loved being her mom, and out of necessity I was always a working mom, and there was a time when I felt sad because I didn't get to have more kids, or the house or a marriage that lasted, but you know what? It's good that things worked out the way they did.
I've known so many women whose life became nothing BUT being a mother. They lost any sense of self they may have had, and now that their kids are grown, the only thing they are looking forward to is being grandmothers. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "OK, the childhood part is done, so what's next for me?" It's a transitional time, but there is also a sense of freedom that you don't have when your kid(s) is/are young and need you all the time.
I know it must be terribly painful for women who really wanted children and couldn't have them, but for those who chose not to, well good for you. A child who isn't really wanted knows it on some level. I work with a good number of women who did not ever have children, and I find their conversation and their lives to be far more interesting than those whose lives are defined only by their offspring.
Nothing in this post has anything to do with a desire to bear/raise/love children.
Is this the reality: you are lonely, and think that a child would have provided you with unconditional love for the rest of your life?
Yes, that's not a good reason to have children. I don't expect that my daughter will be there to take care of me for the rest of my life. As a matter of fact, her goal is to go live in CHINA, for god's sake. I have never had any desire to live there. For one thing, the Chinese tend to be short in stature, and I'm over six feet tall, so they would probably stare at me all the time.
On the other hand, maybe some remote village would revere the giant fuzzy-haired white woman and make me their Mighty Queen...
Seriously, though, raising a child to be somebody that will benefit YOU is not a healthy goal, IMO. Raising a child to be a productive person of good character whose life will impact the world in a positive way is.
Nope. Even if we had kids I wouldn't even consider burdening them with it. But there are some parents who think their children owe it to them. Very, very selfish.
Oh amen. I lived through that situation. I had a mother who had children solely for that purpose. Not a horrible person, but just a very self-centered, immature woman who married in the 50's, had no career aspirations whatsoever, and did it because it was her ticket to getting a man to marry and support her for the rest of her life. She was a far cry from ever winning "Mother of the Year" and after my dad died she expected us to take care of her 24/7 (we owed her..."after all she did for us". For all of you Soprano's fans, do you remember the scene when Livia is throwing herself a pity-party and whines "I gave my life to my children"?) In my mother's case, a "passive/aggressive" guilt trip was thrown in for good measure in case we slacked a little. Yet if we needed her help, sorry. Very selfish.
I'm childless and middle-aged. I know I am responsible for myself. I love children. I love my niece and nephew dearly and I believe I'm a great aunt. I would hope as the years progress we continue to have a loving relationship and hopefully they'll remember to invite me to Thanksgiving dinner. Having a child because it's expected, the thing to do, a means to hold onto/or trap a man, or thinking they are a financial meal ticket is just simply horrible. Children are not commodities. A person should bring a child into this world because they truly desire to, have the love to give to a child, hopefully have thought about the financial commitment it takes along with the emotional commitment. For those who wish to remain childless, honor your feelings and live your life being the best person you can.
[quote=DrummerBoy;13130871]...then send 'em home and re-enter my wonderful cocoon of immaturity, self-centeredness, irresponsibility, and sex and rock 'n' roll.
I think the garage is getting a little full because I just backed into a spot. And hey, what about those of us who re-enter our wonderful cocoon mature, centered, responsible, with a little sex and a some "easy listening"? haha, but I agree with you.
The difference is that we (those of us who are hitting/or are in middle age now) had a choice. Imagine how many countless people there are who married in say, the 1940's or 1950's, and knew in their hearts they didn't want children or feel that maternal/paternal yearning yet procreated because it was the thing to do? Society expected it - otherwise you were deemed either barren or selfish, odd...(fill in the adjective.)
I'm childless and for the time being, single. I get lonely, quite lonely at times. However I know so many married people with children who feel quite lonely and aren't able to admit it because they live a lifestyle that dictates you aren't supposed to feel lonely. Marriage, kids ... no guarantee to "happiness." I can say with honesty that I like my life. I'm blessed in many ways, I'm healthy, I have friends... I just spent two months in Paris (a lifetime dream of mine) and I know if I had a child in college I probably wouldn't have been able to do that. (Not selfish, just realistic.)
There is no cookie-cutter lifestyle. Loving, productive, healthy people come in all forms. While I'm sure having children has been a pinnacle of joy in many lives, I've also seen too many situations otherwise. I know childless, married couples who seem to be very happy in their unions, still enamored with each other after many years and enjoying their time together doing things they love. I think it's almost guaranteed that if you have a child strictly out of fear, because you don't want to be alone when you enter your dotage, you'll have a child that will be resentful (silently perhaps) and feel obligated to take care of you.
All I could do is shake my head. If Coworker's kids don't become his caretakers when he is aged, exactly who will become a drain on the social services system? We childfrees are admonished for not producing future @sswipers, yet which couple in the above scenario will at be able to pay out of their own pocket for said @sswiping?
Exactly. Coworker is just assuming that his offspring will become the @sswiper and as those of you "Odd Couple" fans will recall, Felix Unger made a very valid point about about what a danger it is to assume... You make an @ss out of u and me.
Hope I can jump in on this one. I can tell you exactly what it is like to be a childless, 60 yr old woman with no dependable family or friends ... I AM that person! I never thought about it before because I was always an independent, "ahead of my time" woman. Now that it's staring me right in the face I can tell you that I wish I had done things differently. Like all young and middle-aged people, I never took the time to think about "assisted" living or nursing homes for myself. Guess what ... whether you think about it or not you still have to face it!! I recently looked into LTC insurance but due to a back surgery, I am uninsurable. The only thing I can do a this point is designate an honest executor (if they exist) who will keep my best interests in mind. Think it won't happen to you, well I felt the same way! We spend half our lifetime being totally "free" and independent only to find out that we WILL end up being totally dependent on strangers who could care less about us or our quality of life. Ironic, isn't it? Moral of the story .... You may not need anyone now but just wait, you will one day, sooner than you think!
Hope I can jump in on this one. I can tell you exactly what it is like to be a childless, 60 yr old woman with no dependable family or friends ... I AM that person! I never thought about it before because I was always an independent, "ahead of my time" woman. Now that it's staring me right in the face I can tell you that I wish I had done things differently. Like all young and middle-aged people, I never took the time to think about "assisted" living or nursing homes for myself. Guess what ... whether you think about it or not you still have to face it!! I recently looked into LTC insurance but due to a back surgery, I am uninsurable. The only thing I can do a this point is designate an honest executor (if they exist) who will keep my best interests in mind. Think it won't happen to you, well I felt the same way! We spend half our lifetime being totally "free" and independent only to find out that we WILL end up being totally dependent on strangers who could care less about us or our quality of life. Ironic, isn't it? Moral of the story .... You may not need anyone now but just wait, you will one day, sooner than you think!
Well, I can really relate here as I'm in the same boat. In fact, I keep putting off my will as I don't know who to name as executor. There were a couple of people I thought I could trust but no. My brother I can trust but I don't want to ask and not sure he'd want the responsibility anyway. So I keep putting it off.
With regards to not having children, hey, there are no guarantees that even if one has them they'll be there for you. My cousin has two children and neither wants anything to do with her, so I wonder if that isn't worse that not having them at all.
Yea, I thought at one time I'd leave everything to a couple of siblings but that got washed up. Forget the neices and nephews; they won't even call!! Sometimes, you don't have to look far for "strangers" ... you can find them in your family! Well anyway, my investment company has a part of their organization that handles accounts for people like me.
For anyone out there who thinks I'm just a old, bitter woman spending her days feeling sorry for herself -- you're wrong. I'm just being totally realistic. The days of hoping my family would be there for me are long gone! I'm on my own now and I have to make the best of the situation I'm in. Decisions we've made in our life always comes with a section of fine print called "consequences"! I can't undo what's been done so while I can, I'm gonna try to meticulously plan for the day that I can not do for myself any longer.
Is there anyone here, who is Middle Aged and never had children? Did you face this pain? How did you cope with it? It is scary to grow up and have essentially no family, or people so far away, they become strangers to you. When you past age 40, everyone lives so far away, and people start dying off, it just gets more painful. Does anyone relate to this? I thought dealing with it would get easier as I got older. {was infertile and too sick to have children} instead it got harder. Yes I always have done volunteer work and given to communities I am in.
I'm 58, actively chose not to breed.
I had my tubes tied at 23; never regretted a moment of it.
I have a wonderful family that I've created over they years of others who are like minded.
I enjoy traveling and live all over the world.
I can move at the drop of a hat; my time is my own.
I can nap when I like, sleep in on the weekends, etc.
My money is my own to spend or save as I see fit.
Why don't you take some community college classes in something that interests you.
You're bound to meet others who share interests.
I've never had a problem meeting others and making friends.
I prefer the time I get to spend alone.
You're making your own loneliness.
Having kids is no guarantee that they'll like you or want to spend time with you. So, you never know.
Get out of yourself, do something you like and open yourself to the wonderful world around you.
Last edited by chielgirl; 04-16-2011 at 11:44 AM..
Well, I can really relate here as I'm in the same boat. In fact, I keep putting off my will as I don't know who to name as executor. There were a couple of people I thought I could trust but no. My brother I can trust but I don't want to ask and not sure he'd want the responsibility anyway. So I keep putting it off.
With regards to not having children, hey, there are no guarantees that even if one has them they'll be there for you. My cousin has two children and neither wants anything to do with her, so I wonder if that isn't worse that not having them at all.
Exactly. I see many older couples who are still supporting their adult kids. They still have to keep working since their children aren't in a position to be independent, let alone able to take care of their parents in any way.
And I also see where sons in particular are not taking care of their older parents. They are too busy trying to take care of their wife and children financially. Plus men are not natural caregivers. By contrast, I see many women stressing out over trying to take care of their husband and children plus try to help an older parent.
Otherwise, I am 52 and still not missing having had children. My boyfriend and nieces will inherit what I have. And for company, in addition to my boyfriend, I have several close friends of all ages. Plus I have the comfort of my pets.
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