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A friend of mine has been in a relationship with this guy for over a year now, recently moved in together. Everything is going well taken at face value, she says, but she can't help but see how:
- he constantly has his phone on him even when on the couch, he keeps it in his jeans. After she first realized that she is now putting one and two together and also:
- paying attention to whom he talks on the phone: when his mates call he always offers to call back (never speaks in her presence); she does not beleive there is someone else on the phone than his mates so does not understand why he is uncomfortable to speaking to them in the house
-when casually asked 'why did you not feel like talking to your mate', he replied that the particular mate always keeps him on the phone for a long time and he wasnt in the mood, but that happens with other mates as well
- women from his past keep appearing in his life (email, phone etc) - my friend said it is disturbing her that he answers back and keeps the communication with them active and he replied that he will continue to do so because 'they just want to see how I am and if someone thinks about me and wants to see how I've been I will definitely answer so sorry if that does not sit well with you and anyway, this woman is married so...'
- conversations with female workers have a flirty ring to them, even with him being 30 and the female workers say... 60 and extremely unattractive (that is what he sais, but she figures not ALL his coworkers could have been chosen to have that age and those looks in common)- at one point she said she finds the tone of his speech not quite professional and he replied 'I didn't get to where I am in my career by being boring, so sorry if you dislike it but this is how I talk to these women'
- other female workers supposedly contacting him about work always ask personal questions about his weekends and how were the holidays and that - and my friend could not help but notice that he responds HE was here and there and HE had a good vacation etc, it never was MY GIRLFRIEND AND I came back from ... or WE, as if he is willing to lead everybody into thinking he does not even have a gf.
Apart from my friend acting a little too much like a detective (she says that she is ATTENTINVE but is NOT NAGGING), would you say she has reasons for concern? She feels like all of the above mean that the bf is reserving some space for a possible later maneuver...?
First of all, she sees these things as a red flag, so there is a reason she's attentive to them when they happen. I'd say trust is in jeopardy here.
Secondly, it sounds respectful that he does not wish to chat with his friends while she's in the room with him, that's rather courteous, but also sounds disrespectful when he does talk with women and doesn't include his GF as a "we" when discussing weekends or vacations.
The only advice I could give here would be for those two to sit down and open the lines of communication. Perhaps he has decided that moving in together wasn't a great idea and he's not sure what to do to not hurt her feelings? It is her job to make him aware of what he is doing that hurts her, otherwise he will never know. This can be done without nagging. It's called communication. If he doesn't know it is broken, how can he attempt to fix it?
There are expectations between people when they move in together and build a relationship. Perhaps she hasn't made her expectations heard well enough, or...perhaps he isn't interested in her feelings? It's a tough call, but they need to sit down and discuss this before the relationship ends for other reasons that could have been prevented.
First of all, she sees these things as a red flag, so there is a reason she's attentive to them when they happen. I'd say trust is in jeopardy here.
Secondly, it sounds respectful that he does not wish to chat with his friends while she's in the room with him, that's rather courteous, but also sounds disrespectful when he does talk with women and doesn't include his GF as a "we" when discussing weekends or vacations.
The only advice I could give here would be for those two to sit down and open the lines of communication. Perhaps he has decided that moving in together wasn't a great idea and he's not sure what to do to not hurt her feelings? It is her job to make him aware of what he is doing that hurts her, otherwise he will never know. This can be done without nagging. It's called communication. If he doesn't know it is broken, how can he attempt to fix it?
There are expectations between people when they move in together and build a relationship. Perhaps she hasn't made her expectations heard well enough, or...perhaps he isn't interested in her feelings? It's a tough call, but they need to sit down and discuss this before the relationship ends for other reasons that could have been prevented.
Thanks for the feedback. She tried to reason with him but, as mentioned in the thread, he just cuts the lines of communication and says he'll continue to do those things as he sees nothing wrong with them. She turned to me because he kind of turned his back on the situations that he helps create...
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