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Old 09-03-2009, 11:07 AM
 
4,247 posts, read 9,954,594 times
Reputation: 1477

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First, I am an introvert and hate being the center of attention. As such, I spend a lot of time alone, on the Net and really need my space. I also cannot stand people who brag and/or who are completely self-absorbed.

Ok, so because I am this way, I find myself constantly befriended by strong personalities. Often these people are domineering, confident and self-centered (sometimes narcissistic). I really don't want this in my life, yet I have a real hard time setting boundaries. And because I have codependent traits, a lot of the time I worry about how they FEEL rather than just doing what I need to do for me. The way I grew up (in the land of Minnesota "Nice") it's difficult to not be "nice" and polite.

However, I feel like a dumping ground at this point and a doormat. How can I stop having these people in my life (I am not willing to become like them) and meet the right people? This really has me baffled. I know I must be doing something wrong here. Thanks.
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:17 AM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,852 posts, read 8,967,605 times
Reputation: 4007
You and I are the exact same way. People used to take advantage of me all the time, and I was exactly as you say "a doormat and a dumping ground".

I was going through a difficult time in my life about 2 years ago, and through the help of some dedicated family members, I discovered my self worth. It was good for me to write things down that I was experiencing, I actually started a blog and updated it weekly.

I learned to be confident, strong, and independent. While I still am VERY much an introvert, I know who I can be on the outside, and that is what people see first. If you walk with your head down, never make eye contact with people, and generally have a sulky disposition, you might as well have a big, red target on your back for people who know they can manipulate someone like you. However, if you walk with confidence, a smile on your face, shoulders square, and when conversing, really look people in the eye, you WILL become powerful and you will not become their target. A lot can be read from a non-verbal view point, it's your job to make yours as confident as possible.

Hope this helps. If you'd like to read my blog, I can send you the link. It might be the inspiration you need to start your journey.
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:18 AM
 
28,900 posts, read 50,763,459 times
Reputation: 46374
Quote:
Originally Posted by movin'on View Post
First, I am an introvert and hate being the center of attention. As such, I spend a lot of time alone, on the Net and really need my space. I also cannot stand people who brag and/or who are completely self-absorbed.

Ok, so because I am this way, I find myself constantly befriended by strong personalities. Often these people are domineering, confident and self-centered (sometimes narcissistic). I really don't want this in my life, yet I have a real hard time setting boundaries. And because I have codependent traits, a lot of the time I worry about how they FEEL rather than just doing what I need to do for me. The way I grew up (in the land of Minnesota "Nice") it's difficult to not be "nice" and polite.

However, I feel like a dumping ground at this point and a doormat. How can I stop having these people in my life (I am not willing to become like them) and meet the right people? This really has me baffled. I know I must be doing something wrong here. Thanks.
When you stop allowing it. It's really that easy.

When you get into a relationship, simply ask yourself, "Is this a one-way friendship?" And when your so-called friend starts taking advantage of you, say so. If they start crossing the line with you, simply say, "I'm not comfortable with that and I expect you to stop."

One other thing. It's utterly possible to be polite without being a doormat. You first have to grow the requisite backbone to do it.
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:24 AM
 
4,247 posts, read 9,954,594 times
Reputation: 1477
Quote:
Originally Posted by MAtheBanker View Post
You and I are the exact same way. People used to take advantage of me all the time, and I was exactly as you say "a doormat and a dumping ground".

I was going through a difficult time in my life about 2 years ago, and through the help of some dedicated family members, I discovered my self worth. It was good for me to write things down that I was experiencing, I actually started a blog and updated it weekly.

I learned to be confident, strong, and independent. While I still am VERY much an introvert, I know who I can be on the outside, and that is what people see first. If you walk with your head down, never make eye contact with people, and generally have a sulky disposition, you might as well have a big, red target on your back for people who know they can manipulate someone like you. However, if you walk with confidence, a smile on your face, shoulders square, and when conversing, really look people in the eye, you WILL become powerful and you will not become their target. A lot can be read from a non-verbal view point, it's your job to make yours as confident as possible.

Hope this helps. If you'd like to read my blog, I can send you the link. It might be the inspiration you need to start your journey.
Thanks for mentioning the words (taken advantage of) and manipulated. I don't do these things to other people so I forget other people often DO do these thing.

Yes, I'd love to read your blog!
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:27 AM
 
4,247 posts, read 9,954,594 times
Reputation: 1477
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
When you stop allowing it. It's really that easy.

When you get into a relationship, simply ask yourself, "Is this a one-way friendship?" And when your so-called friend starts taking advantage of you, say so. If they start crossing the line with you, simply say, "I'm not comfortable with that and I expect you to stop."

One other thing. It's utterly possible to be polite without being a doormat. You first have to grow the requisite backbone to do it.
Whoa, that is very strong language "I expect you to stop." Geez, that would make me very uncomfortable to say that. I agree, I do need to become more assertive.

See, I am practicing when I say I need to become more assertive and not "grow a backbone." Hey, stop that! You cannot say that to me!
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:29 AM
 
28,900 posts, read 50,763,459 times
Reputation: 46374
Quote:
Originally Posted by movin'on View Post
Whoa, that is very strong language "I expect you to stop." Geez, that would make me very uncomfortable to say that. I agree, I do need to become more assertive.

See, I am practicing when I say I need to become more assertive and not "grow a backbone." Hey, stop that! You cannot say that to me!
hahaha. That's the spirit. But, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, no one can make you feel inferior without your own consent.
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:56 AM
 
473 posts, read 1,437,565 times
Reputation: 393
I feel the same way - I could have written this post. I attract strong personalities too, but didn't realize it until you put it into words.

If you get some answers to your questions or figure us out, let me know!

And I want that blog address too!
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Old 09-03-2009, 12:03 PM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,852 posts, read 8,967,605 times
Reputation: 4007
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonfly0428 View Post
I feel the same way - I could have written this post. I attract strong personalities too, but didn't realize it until you put it into words.

If you get some answers to your questions or figure us out, let me know!

And I want that blog address too!
Haha, incoming DM!
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Old 09-03-2009, 12:05 PM
 
Location: New England
914 posts, read 1,707,898 times
Reputation: 926
Quote:
Originally Posted by movin'on View Post
First, I am an introvert and hate being the center of attention. As such, I spend a lot of time alone, on the Net and really need my space. I also cannot stand people who brag and/or who are completely self-absorbed.

Ok, so because I am this way, I find myself constantly befriended by strong personalities. Often these people are domineering, confident and self-centered (sometimes narcissistic). I really don't want this in my life, yet I have a real hard time setting boundaries. And because I have codependent traits, a lot of the time I worry about how they FEEL rather than just doing what I need to do for me. The way I grew up (in the land of Minnesota "Nice") it's difficult to not be "nice" and polite.

However, I feel like a dumping ground at this point and a doormat. How can I stop having these people in my life (I am not willing to become like them) and meet the right people? This really has me baffled. I know I must be doing something wrong here. Thanks.

People treat you like trash because you allow it. Do you like being treated like trash? No? Then do something about it. That drives me nuts! My friends complain about how much they hate their jobs, or how much they hate their boyfriends, but they do NOTHING about it.
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Old 09-03-2009, 12:08 PM
 
27,192 posts, read 27,456,486 times
Reputation: 16943
Quote:
Originally Posted by movin'on View Post
First, I am an introvert and hate being the center of attention. As such, I spend a lot of time alone, on the Net and really need my space. I also cannot stand people who brag and/or who are completely self-absorbed.

Ok, so because I am this way, I find myself constantly befriended by strong personalities. Often these people are domineering, confident and self-centered (sometimes narcissistic). I really don't want this in my life, yet I have a real hard time setting boundaries. And because I have codependent traits, a lot of the time I worry about how they FEEL rather than just doing what I need to do for me. The way I grew up (in the land of Minnesota "Nice") it's difficult to not be "nice" and polite.

However, I feel like a dumping ground at this point and a doormat. How can I stop having these people in my life (I am not willing to become like them) and meet the right people? This really has me baffled. I know I must be doing something wrong here. Thanks.
Your just going to have to be strong, and think of your happiness vs theirs...start making excuses, do not answer the phone...and, if you like to be alone, then maybe you could just start making plans to do things alone, it might also lift your spirits...giving yourself something nice to look forward to on the weekends...yanno?

Take some day trips, etc....

Good Luck...

When you get older, it's not difficult telling people what you think or how you feel, and I often used to wonder why....I'm thinking it's b/c I know times running short...
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