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People who go into relationships with the intention to getting the other person to radically change are either naive or sinister.
The vast majority of people (95%) never lose weight and maintain it; it's utterly foolish to think this guy is an exception, especially from where he's starting.
If you want to change him -- and clearly you do, because in addition to writing a VERY long post, you said you want to "help" him lose weight -- then you don't want him the way he is.
He might be a nice guy, but his weight is his problem and it will and does cause a lot of other problems, including health issues.
I would not date a fat person as I would not date a smoker or an alcoholic, but what you choose to do is up to you. Again, nice person under the rolls, but not healthy, imho.
First of all, do not base your decision on whether to begin a relationship with this man on what other people think.
Second, be realistic about his dedication to losing weight. It is difficult to lose that amount of weight and maintain the loss. Also, realize that at his size he will have loose skin once he achieves a normal weight. He weighs nearly twice what he should.
If you cannot accept him as is and will always be waiting for him to lose the weight, please move on. He may lose the weight, he may not. But if you cannot accept him as is, it is not fair to him.
If you can accept him as is, are you prepared to deal with the conditions that will most likely accompany his obesity in the future? Are you ready for potential heart attacks in his 40s, diabetes and diabetic complications, strokes, or an early death?
A person is not a project. He is not something for you to "fix." If he wants to be "fixed" he has to do it himself. As his partner you could offer him emotional support and friendship, but you cannot fix another human being.
You are a wise person Big D.
I second your advise. The immediate need to fix is obvious.
Try this OP, insert alcoholic or drug user for the obese comments. I am not putting them on equal footing with being overweight but you may see the parallels. We women are fixers, accept him as he is or move on.
Good luck.
So since I am able to hold out on having sex with a guy, would it be wrong if I continued to date this guy and just held out a wee bit longer than I normally would whereas sex is concerned? Or am I just being a total idiot in thinking that? I feel like such a douche bag for even saying/thinking that.
Now question #2.
How do I word this. I do not want to make it sound disrespectful to him . .because I am not being that way.
If you were the onlooker seeing my being with such a grossly obese man, would it make it appear that I am dating much less than I am capable? We are not talking about a man who has a few pounds to lose - we're not talking about a belly. He is *obese.* But like I said - this guy is an amazing man - but as an onlooker, you do not know that, you do not see that. I need to know your thoughts if YOU were to see an in-shape attractive woman out with an obese man. I am not a shallow woman - but naturally, this is somewhat a concern. Am I putting some sort of respectability (if that's the right word) of my own on the line? What were people thinking when they kept looking? Put yourself in their position - what would YOU be thinking?
1. There is no defined rule on how soon sex should enter a relationship. Him being a nice person as you describe him, I picture him respecting your not wanting it - yet - for whatever reason. Additionally, I think he is well aware of people taking their time deciding on how they really feel about him. Those people gossiping about you, - I think he is fully aware (not in that restaurant, but in general) of stares and snickers and heads together talking about him. What he is going to be watching, is your reaction to those realities around him.
2. I think this is a non-issue. That is, people get together and one of them may have various flaws (old burns, missing limb, etc) and thinking of "what others think of us" is a waste of your mental energy, - that you would rather spend on how YOU feel with him. Ha, I am sure even Heidi and Seal have had their share of stares, but she's as happy as could be with him.
In some cases, people need to grow a bit thicker skin.
And, I agree that making him lose weight is an uphill battle. He may go along for a while, to keep your affection. But the drive should come within himself. He hasn't had the drive so far, obviously, since he's still overweight. Whether your presence will give him the will, or if a health scare will give him the will, or if he won't find a will, is unknown. So getting together with an overweight person, one should know if he/she can be OK with the overweight person, not on the premise of "I will make him/her lose weight". Because if that doesn't work out in the long run, then what?
I really, really need your thoughts and wisdom to help me overcome a couple snags in my mind.
This is long - I'm really very sorry about that. I'll use a lot of paragraphs.
I went on a date this evening with a great man. He has a handsome face, is educated with an advanced degree - extremely intelligent, well-spoken, funny, nice job, impressive morals, values and ethics, so attentive, very thoughtful, easy to talk to, giving. . . I could go on. Bottom line, I was impressed.
He is a few pounds shy of 400lbs @ 6'3 and 37 years old- realistically, I would put him at about 380-390. I believe the highest weight I ever dated was, I don't know, off the top of my head - probably about 290-300'ish, I suppose. I was fully aware of his weight issue ahead of time. No biggie.
Those "snags in your head" are red flags waving. Don't ignore, but at least recognize why there are there.
He's 37 years old, well educated and intelligent, then he if he really wanted to lose the weight, he would have found the right way to do it. He shouldn't be dieting on Ramen noodles. He most likely has other issues causing him to keep the fat on, and those issues could be emotional or mental ones.
He still sounds like a great guy, but please enter this new relationship with both your eyes wide open.
And I say that it's okay to go slow and just be friends first as this man is a complete stranger to you. And it's not as if he doesn't know that he's terribly obese. So don't avoid that issue out of politeness and just be completely honest with him. And you know that can be done in a kind, frank and straightforward way. That's how good friends are with each other and you know that I think romantic couples should also be each other's best friend...
You already know, I'm certain from your post, its never fair to yourself
or the person your trying to change. I don't think it fair you go through
with a relationship with the hope you can help him win his nutrition and
weight lose battle, what if he loses the weight and starts eating the wrong
things again, you'll constantly be monitoring and trying to control his eating
habits to keep from being whispered and stared at in public and
maintain your attraction.
How do you tell someone that? You don't.
Last edited by virgode; 09-06-2009 at 08:40 AM..
Reason: pghing
If you happened to watch any of the recent airings of "America's Got Talent" you might have caught the husband and wife dancing team who made it quite a long way through. When they first came out on the stage there was obvious skepticism from the audience and the judges as she is a tiny little petite thing and he is a Very Big Boy! It was hard to imagine that he could dance, hard to imagine the two of them being married - just an odd combo.
Their performances were magic! This very big man effortlessly danced across the stage, hoisted his tiny wife all over the place - and SHE lifted HIM all over the place too. Not only was their talent remarkable but their obvious adoration for each other was incredibly touching and they became firm voting favorites.
Don't overanalyze at this stage of the game. Enjoy the company and attention of what sounds to be a most caring and lovely man - go with the flow. Good luck and cheers!
A dear (and very attractive) friend of mine who had only dated other great looking people used a dating service after her divorce. Because she went slow exchanging pics, etc. she didn't date the wonderful man she met until they had become true friends. When she found out he was obese (and bald) it did set her back a little. (We are ALL shallow to a degree.) But their bond was already strong...she CARED about him as a person...and they ended up marrying. (still happy 5 years later)
He is truly funny, intelligent, caring...a wonderful, thoughtful guy.
The only hitch? She has to remind herself EVERYDAY that she is not his mother, and HE is responsible for his weight and health.
If you are going to date this guy expecting him to change...don't do it.
(Also, people WILL be rude...but not as much as you are anticipating. Can you let it roll off your back? If you can't refuse to let it affect you, it will affect your relationship with him.)
I had a relative like this. He was single until about 40 when he obviously knew why he was alone and lost the the weight. He was the one of the most decent people you could ever meet and very calm, intelligent and articulate. He found a women even nicer than he was. He did gain some weight back but never quite the same.
It really depends on how you, and how he may view food. He will be a project. Anyone who thinks our diet is normal does not know what I know. I guess I already knew by eating whole foods and my own garden vegetables that our bodies where not handling the kinds of calorie densities we see now. However when foraging, it is abundantly obvious to me our diets are quite like crack addictions. If I ate what many other people do, I would be on the fat side. Refined sugar, for example, is a rather new thing and was one of the main conflicts of the colonial empires. Sugar was the best cash crop there was and far more profitable than tobacco. Now we are blowing out our pancreas. The American Indians had good teeth until they found sugar. Its pretty obvious our bodies are poorly prepared to deal with it and other refined foods.
So unfortunately he is one of those people especially impacted by our dysfunctional food environment and it will be a life long commitment and probably to some extent by you. The key is breaking the habit which, once broken, can be maintained much easier. However if you do not maintain the same discipline, it will fail. If you can't stop bringing home the bag of potato chips, it will fail. In college my fast food was apples. If I wanted a decent meal, I made it from scratch. My wife is not as disciplined as I am and subjects me to a bit more temptation but it is still mostly whole foods and fresh vegetables and the like. If it were done completely my way, we would drop a few more pounds.
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You comfortably dropped my last paragraph 
