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Old 09-06-2009, 03:57 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,960,693 times
Reputation: 6029

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No hecklers, PLEASE.

I really, really need your thoughts and wisdom to help me overcome a couple snags in my mind.

This is long - I'm really very sorry about that. I'll use a lot of paragraphs.

I went on a date this evening with a great man. He has a handsome face, is educated with an advanced degree - extremely intelligent, well-spoken, funny, nice job, impressive morals, values and ethics, so attentive, very thoughtful, easy to talk to, giving. . . I could go on. Bottom line, I was impressed.

He is a few pounds shy of 400lbs @ 6'3 and 37 years old- realistically, I would put him at about 380-390. I believe the highest weight I ever dated was, I don't know, off the top of my head - probably about 290-300'ish, I suppose. I was fully aware of his weight issue ahead of time. No biggie.

We met for a couple of drinks this eve - he came with a single long stemmed rose and handed it to me as he told me how beautiful I looked and complimented my outfit. He is very charming, in a nice, healthy way - great manners.

During drinks (he paid and would not allow me to when I pulled my wallet from my purse), there were people staring at us. In particular that stood out the most, one couple that was whispering to each other and the obnoxious woman was pointing at him with the "haha, look at that fat guy" look on her face. It was just so rude. My dates back was turned and did not see it.

When they both fully looked up and were no longer leaning into each other giving my date quick amused glances, they realized with the 'deer in the headlights look' that *I* was glaring at them with much disdain. After, they made it a point to not make eye contact. It did catch them off guard. However, when the man (who was making fun of my date with the lady) was coming back from the bathroom about 30 minutes later, I turned my head so he could catch my eye - which he did - and I gave him the quick slit-eyed squint of "how dare you, shame on you." He looked away fast (he knew what it was for) and both did not look our way again. They were facing toward me and would not even look in our direction.

Not once did I ever mention it to my date, nor would I ever. I'm only the 2nd woman this man has been out with in 5 years and I was determined to make it one of the most enjoyable times he's had.

Various men in the bar - looked in curiosity and did double takes. I mean, I am so much smaller than my date - and I know by their sort of puzzled looks on their faces they were wondering what I was doing with a man of his size. I do not know, it was just something I never had experienced before. and thing is, it was not even like I was trying to notice - people just did not do anything to be subtle in their reactions. And yes, I was very attentive to my date - but as you know, you have moments where you look away. I wasn't looking for something - people were just so dang rude and obvious.

Do I want to see this man again? Yes. The good in him outweighs the bad.

Am I having difficulty picturing sexual relations with him? Yes. For some obvious reasons.

Am I attracted to him? Yes, despite the fact I have a hard time picturing sexual relations due to his size. He is not an ugly man.

He does want to lose weight and lost 30-40lbs in the past one year, he said. You and I know that a person of size can easily lose 100-150lbs in a year with dedication. When we talked tonight about food and losing weight, it was apparent that he has tried in his own way - but no one has taught or showed him the correct way. Such as, he said sometimes he will go a day without eating, but the next day he will eat 3 packages of Ramen Noodles and then eat nothing the next day. Then the next day will eat a Ramen Noodle and ice cream. That sort of thing - eating the wrong things and is not exercising outside of normal activity. I know that I can at least try to help him with this since he has the desire and willingness. I can teach him and even get him out to start to go on walks with me or go to play some hoops, etc. - and lastly, assist him by recommending a great colon cleanse. Right?

He is very interested in me and when he got home this evening, he sent me a nice email stating his interest. He also stated that he wishes that I could go with him tomorrow night down to Miami to pick up his daughter at the airport, but feels that I would think it to be awkward and too soon because he is staying the night in Miami and does not know how I would feel about meeting his daughter so quickly. I can easily see this guy getting very serious, very fast. Who can blame him, I am a gem! Haha. . . OK, back to being serious. . .

My confusion is this. . . . yes, he needs to lose weight, obviously. I can help him since he has the desire to. And I do not have sex with men right away. The last guy I dated, we were together for 2 months and I did not have sex with him at all. Slept in the same bed twice and I avoided the gravitational pull of his cockadoodle-doo. Sad, but true - but I am glad I did not. I am one of those women that has sex in a serious relationship only - and that's just how I am wired. Couldn't care when everyone else does - lol - but that is my gig. K! SoooooOOooo. . .

Since the basic attraction is there - (and I mean it when I say that when or if he loses weight, he will be a real looker) - there is chemistry there mentally and it's generally there physically (just not enough to sleep with him at this point). . and when/if he loses weight, there will be more physically. You know what I mean. .

Question #1. . .

So since I am able to hold out on having sex with a guy, would it be wrong if I continued to date this guy and just held out a wee bit longer than I normally would whereas sex is concerned? Or am I just being a total idiot in thinking that? I feel like such a douche bag for even saying/thinking that.

Now question #2.

How do I word this. I do not want to make it sound disrespectful to him . .because I am not being that way.

If you were the onlooker seeing my being with such a grossly obese man, would it make it appear that I am dating much less than I am capable? We are not talking about a man who has a few pounds to lose - we're not talking about a belly. He is *obese.* But like I said - this guy is an amazing man - but as an onlooker, you do not know that, you do not see that. I need to know your thoughts if YOU were to see an in-shape attractive woman out with an obese man. I am not a shallow woman - but naturally, this is somewhat a concern. Am I putting some sort of respectability (if that's the right word) of my own on the line? What were people thinking when they kept looking? Put yourself in their position - what would YOU be thinking?


Please, no hecklers.

For those that may say that if I am uncertain that we should just be friends - he does like me and I do like him, so 'friends only' is not really an option. However, taking it SLOW is - and I plan to just for the fact that this is foreign and unusual territory to me. And I cannot just tell him that I like him but due to his size it is unusual for me - or can I? How could I tell someone that in a gentle, encouraging, non-threatening way? I do not want to hurt his feelings whatsoever. My intent is of goodness.

Grrrrrrrrr!!! I'm so confused. I hope you can help me sort this out in my head. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Last edited by JeepGirl118; 09-06-2009 at 04:31 AM.. Reason: Added a purty red to the questions. =D
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Old 09-06-2009, 04:05 AM
 
Location: NZ Wellington
2,782 posts, read 3,974,464 times
Reputation: 592
Personally you could make any suggestion to me, and I wouldn't be offended. But I have been told I don't think like most men...
If you do go ahead and tell him try to Fraze it in a positive way. (no idea how you would do that sorry)
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Old 09-06-2009, 04:20 AM
 
Location: Southern California
15,084 posts, read 19,210,656 times
Reputation: 10325
If it were me in his shoes, I'd want you to state it exactly as you've stated it here. You explained the situation reasonably, clearly, and straightforwardly...that's how I'd want to hear it.

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Old 09-06-2009, 04:30 AM
 
Location: Illinois
68 posts, read 132,337 times
Reputation: 64
Hope your relationship turns out OK. Before you do anything, become friends first. Get to know him a lot better.

I went out with a friend who is a BIG guy, 6ft 5" and 400+ lbs. He's smart, we had a lot in common, he was religious, and had good manners. He was also interesting to listen to. I'm a small female, and have been told I'm attractive as well. I understand the looks the two of you were getting, been there, done that. However, if it's someone you want to be with does it really matter what anyone else thinks?

Skin is window dressing for the soul. People shouldn't get involved with one another for the perceived beauty of the flesh. It should be based on the beauty of one's soul. Now the moment of truth, ask yourself how do you feel toward this man spiritually. If your feelings still remain positive, then you're with him for the right reasons.

Good luck, hope this helps ...
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Old 09-06-2009, 04:35 AM
 
14,477 posts, read 12,753,669 times
Reputation: 9884
If you want to hold out, there's no reason why you shouldn't. Its not like every man gets sex after 2 months, on the dot. Each man is different, and if you want to wait you are well within your right, weather he's fat, short, tall, or whatever.

Now, about your second question. Possibly the men talk because another man is dating a beautiful woman and they get a little jealous. The women also just see you and realize that their boyfriend is looking at you and they start talking nonsense behind your back. Frankly, I think lots of people talk sh*t behind other people's back, its not something that bothers me in the least since people will do what they do. I don't do that sort of thing, unless someone really messes up. Other people do it just because they want something to talk about. Either way, if confronted, chances are they will say nothing.

If you are very worried about other people's opinions, well its not something you actually should be worried about. Then again, I have always done things my way regardless of other's opinions, so maybe I'm not the best person to give you advice. But I will say this, if it was me with an attractive man but with a weight problem, I would make sure I laugh very hard at his jokes, show the entire room I am really into him and screw what they think, and let them think he has loads of money.
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Old 09-06-2009, 05:13 AM
 
9 posts, read 70,502 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post

My confusion is this. . . . yes, he needs to lose weight, obviously. I can help him since he has the desire to.
I'm just curious if there's any emotional issues that may be a factor in his eating habits and weight. Bad nutritional habits and ignorance of proper nutrition alone can make someone become that size but sometimes there's emotional issues and if that's the case here then I wouldn't assume that you alone could help him there. The fact that someone gets that size is due to some personality or character trait/issue that I can't imagine can just be erased away like *snap*. I mean I don't know. Maybe he simply needs support in terms of habit changes or attitude changes toward eating in order to drop the weight, but I'd be concerned about the core of the issue not being addressed. Sorry, not much useful comment otherwise, just wanted to point that out.
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Old 09-06-2009, 05:21 AM
 
14,477 posts, read 12,753,669 times
Reputation: 9884
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobannah84 View Post
I'm just curious if there's any emotional issues that may be a factor in his eating habits and weight. Bad nutritional habits and ignorance of proper nutrition alone can make someone become that size but sometimes there's emotional issues and if that's the case here then I wouldn't assume that you alone could help him there. The fact that someone gets that size is due to some personality or character trait/issue that I can't imagine can just be erased away like *snap*. I mean I don't know. Maybe he simply needs support in terms of habit changes or attitude changes toward eating in order to drop the weight, but I'd be concerned about the core of the issue not being addressed. Sorry, not much useful comment otherwise, just wanted to point that out.
I agree. Sometimes its very hard for someone to lose weight. Trying to help him is very noble of you Jeepgirl, but it might not work out the way you think if you think he will start losing weight really fast. Sometimes it just doesn't happen that way.
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Old 09-06-2009, 05:31 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,221 posts, read 27,985,514 times
Reputation: 27564
Good news is a man who really wants to lose weight can do it much faster than the average woman, and he won't have to lose as much because he is tall.

There's nothing wrong with taking it slow. But tread carefully. Put yourself in his position. How would you feel about a very handsome man dating you thinking you would be great if you lost 25lbs?

Last, I think it's great you went out with him. Too many women would have turned him down flat. Nice or not!
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Old 09-06-2009, 05:32 AM
 
Location: North Texas
24,567 posts, read 37,131,310 times
Reputation: 28498
First of all, do not base your decision on whether to begin a relationship with this man on what other people think.

Second, be realistic about his dedication to losing weight. It is difficult to lose that amount of weight and maintain the loss. Also, realize that at his size he will have loose skin once he achieves a normal weight. He weighs nearly twice what he should.

If you cannot accept him as is and will always be waiting for him to lose the weight, please move on. He may lose the weight, he may not. But if you cannot accept him as is, it is not fair to him.

If you can accept him as is, are you prepared to deal with the conditions that will most likely accompany his obesity in the future? Are you ready for potential heart attacks in his 40s, diabetes and diabetic complications, strokes, or an early death?

A person is not a project. He is not something for you to "fix." If he wants to be "fixed" he has to do it himself. As his partner you could offer him emotional support and friendship, but you cannot fix another human being.
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Old 09-06-2009, 05:38 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,639 posts, read 37,673,733 times
Reputation: 17525
He sounds like a great guy. And I second what MIKEETC said about just talking to him exactly the way you've told us the situation.

However, think about the possibility of this man never losing any weight at all. Could you deal with that? Because you've just met him and it's possible that he'll never lose any real amount of weight without drastic measures. And if he does, he may need surgery to remove his excess skin.

Remember, he's got to want to change for himself, not for your love. However, I know that you will be excellent help to get him to eat properly and to exercise on a regular basis.

Otherwise, I do understand your desire to continue dating him. And who cares what other people think about the two of you as a couple? People will look and stare at others for any reason at all. Whether it's an unusual outfit, coloured hair, an interracial couple, or a couple being dissimilar in other ways. I used to have a college roommate that was very petite and her boyfriend was very tall and skinny. And visually, they did make an unusual looking couple. I believe that they ended up getting married. Then you have celebrity odd couples like Seal and Heidi Klum, or Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova. Immature people with boring lives are the ones that tend to stare and openly make fun of those that don't fit the normal imo. But it is human nature to look around us and ponder the unusual. And that's fine as long as the looking and pondering are discrete. Anyway, don't let those looks bother you. As long as you and he are having a great time, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
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