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It sounds like maybe one of two things might be happening...
1. He's wanting to end the relationship but doesn't want to hurt you or feel as if he gave up on the marriage, so he is in limbo and acting out in this way because he doesn't know what else to do. Or because he's avoiding confronting the elephant in the room... Denial... avoidance... I hate those bastards.
Or, 2. He suspects you of having an affair or being unfaithful and is acting out because of it. While reading your post, this was my first gut feeling. He might need more of or from you, he might be feeling insecure but also feeling afraid to show you that because he's a guy... and guy's are taught in our society to think that they always have to be the strong silent ones who never whine or cry.
I honestly don't know if i am credible to say yes or no to what the possibilities to you may seem but if he suspects me of having an affair, what could i possibly do to show him im not? what actions must i take? where do i start. I do not want to make things worse than they are, yet i am not sure how to offer my comfort. could you perhaps tell me how i could do it? should i constantly give him attention? praise him, or say nothing and just hug and cuddle with him. I am confused abuot where to start.
Hi I've been on this site for a month or so and I've read and given advice to others, but now I think I'll need a little of yours. ...
Tasha, I gotta say, on one hand I feel bad for you but on the other..
Well, I won't go into all of that.
Still, I'll try to help ya out as much as I can.
Thing is, what happened in the past is already done, and there's not a single thing that you can do to change that. That's just how life works. But, there's hope.. You two have stayed together after all of that, and above and beyond that, you both have committed to one another to get help. That right there deserves kudos's. No matter what anyone on here says, always listen to the professional. They are usually a little better at handling things than random people you meet online are..
Smell what I'm steppin' in?
Anyway, from what I've read on here I see some major issues. The biggest thing that I see is that you both sleep apart for two or three nights a week. I don't care if he works three hours away from six am until midnight, until you get things all worked out you two need to be together. There's always a solution. For me, I lived in Tampa and worked in Naples, from, yes, six am until midnight for four days a week. First month or so that I did that it was hard. I had to rent an apartment there, so it was like I had two homes. Thing is, I could have done anything I wanted and nobody'd be the wiser.. I couldn't ever do that, but you get my point. The suspicion is always there, even if it isn't acknowledged. That nearly killed us, but we had to figure things out. So, we compromised. She drove down and stayed with me every other week, and got up at 4 am to go to work.. When she didn't stay with me then I would drive up to her. It was exhausting, but ultimately, those were some of the best times we had. We divorced several years later due to other things, but during that time our marriage was stronger than it had ever been.
Thing is, until you two have completely worked through everything you have to decide to really make a change. Remove all doubt whatsoever, and more, remove all opportunity for doubt. Get to know one another again, go back to basics. Hi, my name is... etc. etc..
What happened could be a big deal, or it might not be. BUT, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you two take the time to get past all of this - and you don't do that by dwelling on the past, you do that by looking to the future and by living in the present. Make some changes to your living situation. Find a way, it'll be better in the long run anyway. Learn how to communicate again. Find ways to make him feel loved - and forgiven. Help him to understand how YOU need to be loved. These things are hard to get over, but with two people working together it's easily possible.
So, quit worrying about things and start doing something about them. Worry won't add a single day to your life. If you feel that he's been cold, don't just talk to him about it, take time and understand WHY he was acting like that, and then DO something about it.
Ya know the saying, Rome wasn't built in a day.. Well, Rome wasn't built by people sitting around talking about it being built. It was built by planning, by understanding, and by action.
Everyone is assuming someone is cheating, it sounds like. Maybe it is... But I'm sure it could be something else entirely. Maybe any number of other thoughts going through his head. Maybe related to whatever happened between you both in the past, problems at his work, maybe he's worried about the future (job stability, future of the marriage and kids, etc.).
Just don't nag him into answering your questions. I think any counselor type will say the same thing there. That's the quickest way to get me to either shut up or get irritated.
Anyway, good luck with the counseling and I hope it's something that can be worked out.
Everyone is assuming someone is cheating, it sounds like. Maybe it is... But I'm sure it could be something else entirely. Maybe any number of other thoughts going through his head. Maybe related to whatever happened between you both in the past, problems at his work, maybe he's worried about the future (job stability, future of the marriage and kids, etc.).
Just don't nag him into answering your questions. I think any counselor type will say the same thing there. That's the quickest way to get me to either shut up or get irritated.
Anyway, good luck with the counseling and I hope it's something that can be worked out.
On a previous thread she shared that he did cheat and they have been working to get past it.
Personally, I think he's doing what a lot of people who have cheated do, he has gotten a bit paranoid that SHE might cheat on him!
On a previous thread she shared that he did cheat and they have been working to get past it.
Personally, I think he's doing what a lot of people who have cheated do, he has gotten a bit paranoid that SHE might cheat on him!
Yes, I realize that, but we don't know the details of what happened. Maybe he's paranoid she might cheat. Maybe he cheated (again). Maybe it's nothing to do with it at all. There are a lot of possibilities.
I honestly don't know if i am credible to say yes or no to what the possibilities to you may seem but if he suspects me of having an affair, what could i possibly do to show him im not? what actions must i take? where do i start. I do not want to make things worse than they are, yet i am not sure how to offer my comfort. could you perhaps tell me how i could do it? should i constantly give him attention? praise him, or say nothing and just hug and cuddle with him. I am confused abuot where to start.
I think counseling/therapy would be the place to start. Also, maybe a change of scenery. Take a weekend trip away and focus only on each other and have some good soul-searching and intimate conversation about everything together. Just lay everything out. Maybe surprise him with a trip. Or surprise him at his office or where ever he goes when he doesn't come home... surprise him when he's not expecting you, and husband-nap him for a romantic time.
Something my husband and I do sometimes when we feel like we're not communicating well is we'll pass notes or write each other letters. It usually starts out frustrating... because usually what's happened is a miscommunication or misunderstanding... or like one of us spent some money (that wasn't planned on) without checking with the other first and we feel bad for what we've done... but after we resolve whatever it is, it usually ends up with us giggling and being goofy... doodling naughty pictures or hearts and kisses or whatever... just being silly. When we try to stand there and talk about whatever it was that was bugging us... especially since we have kids and a pretty busy life which makes it hard for us to talk sometimes right when we need to... we end up going in circles. But writing it down seems to really help us, anyway. Maybe try writing your husband a romantic letter, but one that also expresses your concerns?
Anyway, from what I've read on here I see some major issues. The biggest thing that I see is that you both sleep apart for two or three nights a week. I don't care if he works three hours away from six am until midnight, until you get things all worked out you two need to be together. There's always a solution. For me, I lived in Tampa and worked in Naples, from, yes, six am until midnight for four days a week. First month or so that I did that it was hard. I had to rent an apartment there, so it was like I had two homes. Thing is, I could have done anything I wanted and nobody'd be the wiser.. I couldn't ever do that, but you get my point. The suspicion is always there, even if it isn't acknowledged. That nearly killed us, but we had to figure things out. So, we compromised. She drove down and stayed with me every other week, and got up at 4 am to go to work.. When she didn't stay with me then I would drive up to her. It was exhausting, but ultimately, those were some of the best times we had. We divorced several years later due to other things, but during that time our marriage was stronger than it had ever been.
Thing is, until you two have completely worked through everything you have to decide to really make a change. Remove all doubt whatsoever, and more, remove all opportunity for doubt. Get to know one another again, go back to basics. Hi, my name is... etc. etc..
What happened could be a big deal, or it might not be. BUT, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you two take the time to get past all of this - and you don't do that by dwelling on the past, you do that by looking to the future and by living in the present. Make some changes to your living situation. Find a way, it'll be better in the long run anyway. Learn how to communicate again. Find ways to make him feel loved - and forgiven. Help him to understand how YOU need to be loved. These things are hard to get over, but with two people working together it's easily possible.
So, quit worrying about things and start doing something about them. Worry won't add a single day to your life. If you feel that he's been cold, don't just talk to him about it, take time and understand WHY he was acting like that, and then DO something about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf
I think counseling/therapy would be the place to start. Also, maybe a change of scenery. Take a weekend trip away and focus only on each other and have some good soul-searching and intimate conversation about everything together. Just lay everything out. Maybe surprise him with a trip. Or surprise him at his office or where ever he goes when he doesn't come home... surprise him when he's not expecting you, and husband-nap him for a romantic time.
Thank you. I appreciate your directness and I see what you mean. His schedule changes next month so distance will cease to become the issue, but that is only one factor. I have planned to surprise him tonight I am taking him to a concert and then I will be bringing him back to the place where we had our first dance. I dunno if it will help but I'm hoping it will.
Its high time The moping stopped, you are right, I need to DO something. and From now on i will hopefully if he see's that he'll appreciate it and we can work on this together, with a mutual goal.
Thank you. I appreciate your directness and I see ... he'll appreciate it and we can work on this together, with a mutual goal.
That's it right there! You'll have to let us know how the surprise went.. BUT, don't stop there. Surprise him tonight.. Then tomorrow make him breakfast and tell him how much you appreciate him.. The day after send him a love letter.. Thing is, he'll appreciate what you do now, sure, but in the long run those things are the things that will bring you two closer together. You start doing those things, then once he really starts to feel loved and appreciated, he'll start doing them back. Then.. well, the past becomes but just a memory as you to forge on with a new life.
As far as the distance thing, just watch where that goes. You'll find that the more time you spend together the closer you'll get. When two people are married, they should always enjoy the intimacy of sleeping together every night - not just every other night.
I think you two will be fine.. Just remember, don't give up. It sounds like the two of you have a good thing going. Good things are worth fighting for.
Just to help me understand so perhaps I can advise...
1. How long have you been married?
2. When you say there was infidelity... was it you that cheated, him, or both?
3. Is there a large age different between you and your husband?
That's it right there! You'll have to let us know how the surprise went.. BUT, don't stop there. Surprise him tonight.. Then tomorrow make him breakfast and tell him how much you appreciate him.. The day after send him a love letter.. Thing is, he'll appreciate what you do now, sure, but in the long run those things are the things that will bring you two closer together. You start doing those things, then once he really starts to feel loved and appreciated, he'll start doing them back. Then.. well, the past becomes but just a memory as you to forge on with a new life.
As far as the distance thing, just watch where that goes. You'll find that the more time you spend together the closer you'll get. When two people are married, they should always enjoy the intimacy of sleeping together every night - not just every other night.
I think you two will be fine.. Just remember, don't give up. It sounds like the two of you have a good thing going. Good things are worth fighting for.
I wish you two the best!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Aaaaand....I would like to report that the weekend went well. we didn't have any fights and we even went to watch a concert Friday night, I bought him flowers and a teddy bear, which i know is usually unconventional for a woman but, it seemed to work great, he found it really sweet and it seemed to set the mood for the weekend. we spent the whole of Saturday at home just cuddling and on Sunday we went to the pictures and watched a film. Things are going so much better than I expected.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thepinksquid
Just to help me understand so perhaps I can advise...
1. How long have you been married?
2. When you say there was infidelity... was it you that cheated, him, or both?
3. Is there a large age different between you and your husband?
Married 4 years, the infedelity happened before we were married (when we were dating). and there is also a 4 year gap between me and my husband in age. not much really
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You'll have to let us know how the surprise went.. BUT, don't stop there. Surprise him tonight.. Then tomorrow make him breakfast and tell him how much you appreciate him.. The day after send him a love letter.. Thing is, he'll appreciate what you do now, sure, but in the long run those things are the things that will bring you two closer together. You start doing those things, then once he really starts to feel loved and appreciated, he'll start doing them back. Then.. well, the past becomes but just a memory as you to forge on with a new life. 
