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I have been married for two years, and have slowly fallen into a pit that is taking a toll on my health. My wife and I fight quite regularly, on average when we are together I would say at least 4 to 5 days a week. These fights do range in aggressiveness, but every fight is quite heated. We are always up in one anothers faces and there is such visible potential for physical violence. My wife has punched me while driving the car, and I have grabbed her and held her in a rage. I know this sounds terrible, and I know it is. I saw so many red lights prior to this that I felt would lead to this, and its slowly coming to pass. I dont want to end up doing something to really hurt one another ( such as hitting her or infidelity-- not saying their is potential for that right now, but in bad marriages as I see now, nothing is out of the picture ). My greatest fear is that I physically hurt her as she has hit me before and in my anger I feel so much rage. I have been very ill about 6 times in a year, 3 times in hospital from stress ( one illness lasting 2 months). I cant take another year like this. We are young, I am about to finish my degree but know that I cant do another year like we have had in the past. I can feel great differences in my physically health ( practically no immune system-get sick very easily) mental health ( I cant think on a lvl that I used to, very exhausted ) and emotionally. I feel I need to remove myself, but she doesnt want me to leave. She falls down and tells me how it will kill her, how she loves me and will always love me, all these things that I think should solidify a relationship. The only problem is things like this have happened before and nothing changes, two years of constant fighting has almost destroyed my faith in each other. When she says those things I dont want to leave her....it confuses me, its up and down up and down. As a university student (26 yrs old ), I am not in the greatest financial bracket, and we cant afford professional help. We have seen a pastor once, but he did not believe in divorce, and since she was crying and telling him she loved me, he questioned my ability to love and why I would want to leave, even though I pretty much explained to him what was going on ( health wise, fighting, potential for physical violence etc.) I used to be a Christian but have lost my faith, she is a christian and that poses a problem also. I am so lost and alone. I saw what was going on, I ignored what I saw, and now were are here. I dont like what I see right now, I am terrified for the future, and cant live a life like this...I cant live with myself if I do something like abuse or cheating ( even though I feel the verbal abuse is already there ). I cant carry on in a normal life, I feel like a shell, I pretty much have to drop out of this year of school ( its just started ) because this continues to worsen. Any help or advice, please.
Anyone who knows me on this forum knows that I am one of the biggest proponents for marriage and sanctity of marital vows. However, every once in a while something comes along that makes me say....
GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE......
Some things are unfixable. There is no reason for you to put yourself and this other person through this. Go. Run. Today. Do it.
Sounds like a very toxic relationship.... it also sounds as if things will go nowhere but downhill... you are both damaged from it.... I would be honest with myself and simply get a divorce! GET RID OF HER BEFORE YOU MAKE THE HUGE MISTAKE OF HAVING CHILDREN!
I have been married for two years, and have slowly fallen into a pit that is taking a toll on my health. My wife and I fight quite regularly, on average when we are together I would say at least 4 to 5 days a week. These fights do range in aggressiveness, but every fight is quite heated. We are always up in one anothers faces and there is such visible potential for physical violence. My wife has punched me while driving the car, and I have grabbed her and held her in a rage. I know this sounds terrible, and I know it is. I saw so many red lights prior to this that I felt would lead to this, and its slowly coming to pass. I dont want to end up doing something to really hurt one another ( such as hitting her or infidelity-- not saying their is potential for that right now, but in bad marriages as I see now, nothing is out of the picture ). My greatest fear is that I physically hurt her as she has hit me before and in my anger I feel so much rage. I have been very ill about 6 times in a year, 3 times in hospital from stress ( one illness lasting 2 months). I cant take another year like this. We are young, I am about to finish my degree but know that I cant do another year like we have had in the past. I can feel great differences in my physically health ( practically no immune system-get sick very easily) mental health ( I cant think on a lvl that I used to, very exhausted ) and emotionally. I feel I need to remove myself, but she doesnt want me to leave. She falls down and tells me how it will kill her, how she loves me and will always love me, all these things that I think should solidify a relationship. The only problem is things like this have happened before and nothing changes, two years of constant fighting has almost destroyed my faith in each other. When she says those things I dont want to leave her....it confuses me, its up and down up and down. As a university student (26 yrs old ), I am not in the greatest financial bracket, and we cant afford professional help. We have seen a pastor once, but he did not believe in divorce, and since she was crying and telling him she loved me, he questioned my ability to love and why I would want to leave, even though I pretty much explained to him what was going on ( health wise, fighting, potential for physical violence etc.) I used to be a Christian but have lost my faith, she is a christian and that poses a problem also. I am so lost and alone. I saw what was going on, I ignored what I saw, and now were are here. I dont like what I see right now, I am terrified for the future, and cant live a life like this...I cant live with myself if I do something like abuse or cheating ( even though I feel the verbal abuse is already there ). I cant carry on in a normal life, I feel like a shell, I pretty much have to drop out of this year of school ( its just started ) because this continues to worsen. Any help or advice, please.
You should have left yesterday!!!
TOXIC!!
If there are no kids involved you need to pack your bags and leave. If you have kids get an attorney right away!!!
She sounds controlling and abusive to me. I have the same with my partner (male) and he always says the same things too about WILL LOVE ME TO THE END, can't look at another woman, I own him (I don't, but I think the implication is that it is two ways ergo he owns me) etc. etc. etc.
It might or might not be true but it doesn't make the relationship any less abusive or any less controlling. I don't want to live like that? Clearly, deep down you also don't want to live like that or you wouldn't be getting sick all the time...
We might be emotionally unhealthy people who attract other emotionally unhealthy people but don't let that stop you seeing what is really going on. It's abuse and controlling.
It doesn't always seem like that, but that is deliberate on their part --- of course, they are going to obscure it, they would be a pretty useless abuser if it was clear to you that they were abusing you - and then what would happen? You would leave. So then they would need to find someone else who will tolerate the abuse and that takes WORK --- you can't go straight into an abusive relationship, you have to start off being all nice and wait months before the abuse can start slowly and then grow to the happy, full-on level that gives them that happy glow inside, that might even take a year or more!
I have been married for two years, and have slowly fallen into a pit that is taking a toll on my health. My wife and I fight quite regularly, on average when we are together I would say at least 4 to 5 days a week. These fights do range in aggressiveness, but every fight is quite heated. We are always up in one anothers faces and there is such visible potential for physical violence. My wife has punched me while driving the car, and I have grabbed her and held her in a rage. I know this sounds terrible, and I know it is. I saw so many red lights prior to this that I felt would lead to this, and its slowly coming to pass. I dont want to end up doing something to really hurt one another ( such as hitting her or infidelity-- not saying their is potential for that right now, but in bad marriages as I see now, nothing is out of the picture ). My greatest fear is that I physically hurt her as she has hit me before and in my anger I feel so much rage. I have been very ill about 6 times in a year, 3 times in hospital from stress ( one illness lasting 2 months). I cant take another year like this. We are young, I am about to finish my degree but know that I cant do another year like we have had in the past. I can feel great differences in my physically health ( practically no immune system-get sick very easily) mental health ( I cant think on a lvl that I used to, very exhausted ) and emotionally. I feel I need to remove myself, but she doesnt want me to leave. She falls down and tells me how it will kill her, how she loves me and will always love me, all these things that I think should solidify a relationship. The only problem is things like this have happened before and nothing changes, two years of constant fighting has almost destroyed my faith in each other. When she says those things I dont want to leave her....it confuses me, its up and down up and down. As a university student (26 yrs old ), I am not in the greatest financial bracket, and we cant afford professional help. We have seen a pastor once, but he did not believe in divorce, and since she was crying and telling him she loved me, he questioned my ability to love and why I would want to leave, even though I pretty much explained to him what was going on ( health wise, fighting, potential for physical violence etc.) I used to be a Christian but have lost my faith, she is a christian and that poses a problem also. I am so lost and alone. I saw what was going on, I ignored what I saw, and now were are here. I dont like what I see right now, I am terrified for the future, and cant live a life like this...I cant live with myself if I do something like abuse or cheating ( even though I feel the verbal abuse is already there ). I cant carry on in a normal life, I feel like a shell, I pretty much have to drop out of this year of school ( its just started ) because this continues to worsen. Any help or advice, please.
Your health is going to suffer if things dont change , and hers too. These kinds of heating conflicts DO affect you physically and emotionally....depression being the most common but not only that . If youre spouse is willing, you need counselling asap without any further delay. If you dont have money for a Prof. Marriage Counsellor , then seek out a local Pastor of a larger church who can see you both , and individually. You can read some books , etc...but youre both going to need someone to give you much wisdom , hope, and gumption to overcome this. If nothing else, you go by yourself.
I havent read thru your entire thread, so, where do yuou stand at the current moment ?
If this helps here is a post I found on a different forum talking about looking into the mind of an abuser - maybe it will ring some bells?
A look inside the mind of an abuser...
Abusive people typically think they are unique, so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. But actually, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors. These may include:
Success Fantasies: The abuser believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren't holding her back. They're blocking the way makes the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down as a way of building their self up.
Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for certain actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them."
Excuse Making: Instead of accepting responsibility for certain actions, the abuser tries to justify their behavior with excuses. For example, "My parents never loved me," or "My parents beat me," or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess I lost my temper," or "I couldn't let him talk to me that way, there was nothing else I could do."
Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. For example: The abuser doesn't come home at 6 p.m. for dinner as prearranged; he or she comes home at 4 a.m. The abuser says, "You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat this stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."
Making Fools of Others: The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. She may try to charm the person she wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on his good side.
Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example: "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a drink after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."
Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness.
One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities. The abuser lacks supportive relationships. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the home because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.
Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.
Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. The wife may expect the husband to over fulfill all the financial needs and household/parenting chores.
Drama and Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.
Closed Channel: The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about herself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.
Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is hers. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them and taking things that belong to them.
Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers. A person who sees violence as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.
Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example: "I didn't hit you that hard", or "I only hit one of the kids. I could have done them all."
Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of her life. The separation is physical; for example, the abuser will beat up family members but not people outside the home. The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and beat the victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.
Above the Rules: As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, she is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody.
Self-glorification: The abuser usually thinks of herself as strong, superior, independent and self-sufficient. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.
Inability to express feelings with words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their spouse who is expected to "read" their mind and "know" what their mate wants. When the mate doesn't know what is expected the wife may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence.
Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Example: "I'm late because I had to do something on the way home."
About Abusers
Batterers tend to be preoccupied with a "macho" ideal of womanhood. They feel a need to dominate and control men and often expect it as their right and privilege. They may tend to associate some feminine qualities with weakness and fear intimacy as making them vulnerable.
They are frequently characterized as lacking in assertive communication skills and appearing alternatively passive or aggressive in nature. They are more inclined to resolve problems and emotions through violence, as the male sex role stereotype would suggest. This tendency tends to add to the stress many batterers create for themselves and their families.
Batterers have higher levels of hostility than non-batterers. Their range of emotions tend to be reduced to anger, which in-turn is expressed primarily through violent behavior similar to the same behavior sanctioned by various macho-male subcultures. Emotional tensions are typically suppressed until they finally "explode."
Despite the bravado that many batterers display, they characteristically suffer from lower self-esteem than non-batterers. They often feel that they have not lived up to the feminine sex role stereotype and consequently overcompensate with hyper-feminine behavior. They become emotionally dependent on their partners and consequently become threatened by the possibility of their departure. This is often evident in excessive jealousy and possessiveness.
Batterers have a higher incidence of alcohol and drug abuse. The alcohol acts as a uninhibitor, intensifying abusive incidents, but it does not "cause" the abuse. Many batterers are abusive with or without alcohol and continue their violence even after "drying out." Some experts consider alcohol and drug abuse to act as a sedative for the emotional distress most batterers bear in response to their abusive childhood, sense of inadequacy, and poor communication skills.
The majority of female batterers have experienced or witnessed childhood violence that has left them with low self-esteem, poor role models, and sometimes traumatized. Very much like the alcoholic, abusers deny there is a problem and refuse to accept responsibility for their abusive behaviour. She blames everyone else for making her angry, thereby excusing her actions.
"In violence we forget who we are." - Mary McCarthy
Screw the counseling. It seldom works and you need something in your life together to make it worth the effort by both parties. This is seldom the case and even less likely if there are no children. Just leave and take whatever share the courts will give you.
I agree that ending the relationship is a good idea - but disagree that counseling seldom works. My husband and I had issues in the beginning of our relationship and we finally found affordable counseling and it's the reason we're living the good life today, 15 years later! We had communication problems. We both had to learn how to communicate with each other and listen to each other. The therapist helped us learn tools to communicate effectively. Made a world of difference!
This relationship, though, sounds very angry, very toxic, and could potentially be very damaging physically or legally. I think they should end it before there's children involved, or before things escalate even more, and the OP should seek counseling and be totally honest with the professional he meets with. Don't get into another relationship until you've worked on yourself a little bit more.
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