7 principles to make marriage work (feelings, looking, relations, reason)
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Now, I find myself running around looking for a way to help him develop the same interest in becoming more self-aware... to ultimately improve our relationship - is that so bad?
No, it's not bad. In fact, I'd say it's a good thing. So many relationships fail because one or both persons in it are unwilling to look at themselves critically. But if you're partner isn't interested in doing that, then there's not much you can do.
In my 22 years of marriage, I found that by trying to "fix my spouse" or point out his shortcomings did more harm than good. Conversely, now I point out all his wonderful attributes, praise him in front of others (what a good husband he is, how thoughtful, romantic, smart, etc - all true) and our marriage gets better every day. By the way, I never advice anyone to live together. It takes all the "magic" away from marriage.
In my 22 years of marriage, I found that by trying to "fix my spouse" or point out his shortcomings did more harm than good. Conversely, now I point out all his wonderful attributes, praise him in front of others (what a good husband he is, how thoughtful, romantic, smart, etc - all true) and our marriage gets better every day. By the way, I never advice anyone to live together. It takes all the "magic" away from marriage.
You gotta love the voice of experience Good for you
In my 22 years of marriage, I found that by trying to "fix my spouse" or point out his shortcomings did more harm than good. Conversely, now I point out all his wonderful attributes, praise him in front of others (what a good husband he is, how thoughtful, romantic, smart, etc - all true) and our marriage gets better every day.
My fiance and I have had many obstacles to overcome since we got engaged: him finding a job, having to move away from home, moving in together, adapting to life together (cleaning, cooking, other chores) and so on...
Your education may not have helped you achieve a good relationship. I have a good amount of education and I am definately not one who should know all too. I can say that it seems as though you are trying too much to appease your fiance.
A typical scenario of your position is this: The street is wide and accessable in any marriage or relationship but if only one person find it necessary to "put in" the relationship and the other only "takes out" then it becomes very uneven or unenjoyable to come home. My brother is in that kind of relationship because he puts ina nd his wife always takes out.... WOW...No idea how he survives and every one of his peers tell him he should not continue to "put in" and never "take out".... I agree with his peers...
Another tidbit about myself and my spouse: We are both VERY spiritual. And we pray together
ETA: I met him when I was 15, he was 18. We married two years later when I had just turned 17. Everyone asked me why are you marrying at such a young age? My response, because I love him. And I still do
I'm not a great advocate of all the self help stuff but I tend to pick and choose a few items here and there. One of the self help gurus is a woman named Michele Weiner. She has written several books and probably made a lot of money.
One of her faves is GAL(get a life). Don't be so dependent on your SO. Get out there and DO the things that will make you happy and complete. Do for you. When you feel better, you will be a more interesting companion and mate. Get to know your new city and make new friends.....because that's what YOU need to do. Happiness isn't automatic and you can't let it depend on any one individual in your life. You have to make your own.
I don't KNOW you at all and I'm not specifically talking about you. But here's what's for real to me. Someone who sits around and complains constantly has zero chance of maintaining my interest. I don't want poisonous, toxic, people around me. I want to be with positive people who do the best they can with what they have. People who are active and interesting.
I think you should stay engaged a bit longer and see if you can weather this storm. I don't think he's ready for marriage, imo.
Marriage takes compromise. It takes communication. It takes trying to understand so that no one gets hurt. It takes cooperation. It takes solid work sometimes and other times you totally have the hang of it.
Marriage takes admitting when you are wrong, picking the right battles, and knowing when something is worth fighting for.
If my husband said, "what do you know anyway" to me, that would be a huge red flag that he doesn't respect my opinion, finds me not credible to my position, and won't listen to anything I say further on anyway. I can't be with someone I cannot communicate with. That is one of my utmost priorities in investing in a marriage, after learning the hard way with an "in one ear and out the other" hubby number one.
If this is something you think you can do, convincing him to get on board with reading those materials, I wish you all the luck. I think its a great time to ask him why he wants to get married, why is this step the next one for him, and what does he hope to achieve? Maybe asking the right questions will open up conversation, if not...I'd give him some time on his own to live life a little more before committing to a union that is destined for counseling.
If you're headset on staying through this, I suggest you live your life, read your books, learn and educate yourself, and when he's ready, he may or may not follow suit. He has to want to learn those things for himself, and it doesn't sound like you two have this particular topic in common.
- Often he will roll his eyes at me when I talk about our issues...
- On occasion he has said things like "what do you know anyway
these things bother me. However, you shouldn't force him to read any book. If you ask and he says no, you must respect that. I believe it is Dr. Phil who says just one person making a change can change everything. you need to make a change and he will be forced to respond differently. I don't know specific problems between you two except if seems disrespect as noted above. I would ask him to not say to you"what do you know anyway?" Just when he says that ask him nicely not to and tell him it is hurtful. He doesn't want to talk , don't force him. Maybe he will notice one day if you're really patient that you are not bringing up the relationship talk and he might. Or he might not. The best advice I ever got is to let unimportant stuff go. Ask yourself is it important? Important things are like too much drinking or inappropriate behaviors with other women. Big issues. If it's not important, let it be.
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Good for you 
