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I understand your point. But, at the risk of sounding Zen here, while there's a "Me" and a "You" in any part of your relationship, there will never be a true "Us."
You have to ask yourself, what is the point of keeping it separate. IMO, there is nothing to gain. You draw a line through the marriage of "This is mine, and that is yours." When really, it all is ours. I guess you could argue that it's just a mental exercise, but it indicates a frame of mind that is important.
I understand your point. But, at the risk of sounding Zen here, while there's a "Me" and a "You" in any part of your relationship, there will never be a true "Us."
Picking money is rather random as the big thing for the 'me' and 'you.' What parts of yourself and your personality are you allowed to keep for yourself? Are we talking about melding into a psychoemotional blob of some sort...?
Using all the people you know who have kept their money separate divorcing makes no sense...there are plenty of people who put their money together who divorced. And I do know couples where it was always apart who have been happy together for ages.
cpg, you have excellent points all around, and usually your posts are the most balanced and agreeable (to me, anyway...lol!), but you're gonna have to concede that not everyone has to do things exactly like you do or suffer the fate of a lesser or inferior relationship/marriage. Money means very different things to different people.
You have to ask yourself, what is the point of keeping it separate. IMO, there is nothing to gain. You draw a line through the marriage of "This is mine, and that is yours." When really, it all is ours. I guess you could argue that it's just a mental exercise, but it indicates a frame of mind that is important.
Well, that's not true. IMO, there's nothing to gain from putting it together. Nothing tangible anyway. Downsides of putting it together:
1. If you file your taxes separately (as we do), having joint accounts all over the place would create a nightmare sorting out. I pay my accountant enough, thanks.
2. We can never overdraft bc we didn't realize someone else had done something with that account.
3. No one can screw up anyone else's credit score.
4. Lastly (bc it's really not the big point here and not the reason we do it), if anything ever happens to the relationship, the finances aren't a big hassle to work out. With a 50% divorce rate (with and without joint accounts), that might be something to consider.
The second point (mine/yours/ours) is weak. Every relationship has things where something is hers or something is his. HIS baby car. HIS special golf clubs. HIS special chair. HER favorite painting. HER good china. Etc, etc.
Picking money is rather random as the big thing for the 'me' and 'you.' What parts of yourself and your personality are you allowed to keep for yourself? Are we talking about melding into a psychoemotional blob of some sort...?
Using all the people you know who have kept their money separate divorcing makes no sense...there are plenty of people who put their money together who divorced. And I do know couples where it was always apart who have been happy together for ages.
cpg, you have excellent points all around, and usually your posts are the most balanced and agreeable (to me, anyway...lol!), but you're gonna have to concede that not everyone has to do things exactly like you do or suffer the fate of a lesser or inferior relationship/marriage. Money means very different things to different people.
True (and fair) enough. I'm just saying that I've never seen any relationship last with separate checking accounts. And you're right that money means very different things to different people. At the same time, money also affects people in ways that they never anticipated.
Normally I agree with stan4 100%, but this is a tough one. I don't think it would matter too much if both involved brought in equal income. I think problems could arise if one made significantly more money than the other. What happens if the couple wants to travel, vacation, buy a new car, or whatever. S/he cannot afford it, but his/her spouse can. The one bringing in more could certainly pay for these things, but it would always be one doing the other a favor, or doing the financial giving. I would not be comfortable in a situation like that.
My dh is in school so only works p/t (not even that much). I know he would not like the idea/feeling that I'm giving or lending him money. There's also the fact that we make sacrifices in our marriages. If my dh were not married he might be doing something else all together and making way more cash (who knows), but since we're married and settled his options are limited. If and when we have a child, we've decided that it would be best if he gets a night job as a tech or something. That's a professional sacrifice for his family. It affects his ability to earn and it wouldn't be fair of me to keep what I earn separate from him.
Normally I agree with stan4 100%, but this is a tough one. I don't think it would matter too much if both involved brought in equal income. I think problems could arise if one made significantly more money than the other. What happens if the couple wants to travel, vacation, buy a new car, or whatever. S/he cannot afford it, but his/her spouse can. The one bringing in more could certainly pay for these things, but it would always be one doing the other a favor, or doing the financial giving. I would not be comfortable in a situation like that.
My dh is in school so only works p/t (not even that much). I know he would not like the idea/feeling that I'm giving or lending him money. There's also the fact that we make sacrifices in our marriages. If my dh were not married he might be doing something else all together and making way more cash (who knows), but since we're married and settled his options are limited. If and when we have a child, we've decided that it would be best if he gets a night job as a tech or something. That's a professional sacrifice for his family. It affects his ability to earn and it wouldn't be fair of me to keep what I earn separate from him.
I think that's a good point. Let's just say that Stan's spouse earns a fraction of what Stan does, and suddenly has a few reverses. For example, what if her car breaks down, she loses her job, and she owes a bundle on taxes? What if this series of events means she's out of cash?
Now, she not only owes the IRS serious cashola, but she needs a new car as well. So the SO has two options here: 1) Give money to the spouse, or 2) Lend money to the spouse. Because there's already a "my money/your money" dynamic established in the relationship, rather an an "our money" dynamic, neither one is palatable to the person on the receiving end. For if she is given the money, then she is the beneficiary of noblesse oblige. And if she is lent the money, well, My God.
If, however, all the money goes into one big pot, all those considerations should go away. It's household money.
Mind you, I'm sure Stan's impulses would be generous in this situation. But, it's like anything else. Money has a way of changing everything when it's rationed out. Relationships. Marriages. Governments.
...4. Lastly (bc it's really not the big point here and not the reason we do it), if anything ever happens to the relationship, the finances aren't a big hassle to work out. With a 50% divorce rate (with and without joint accounts), that might be something to consider.
The second point (mine/yours/ours) is weak. Every relationship has things where something is hers or something is his. HIS baby car. HIS special golf clubs. HIS special chair. HER favorite painting. HER good china. Etc, etc.
Talk about a weak point. You want to plan your marriage around the possibility of divorce? In Michigan, that wouldn't matter anyway. You are going to split it all.
Finances are considerably different from who has the big easy chair. It's really about the mindset from which your approach the relationship.
Listen to each other, not just listen, but comprehend what the other is saying.
Do not talk over each other. If you do, neither of you are listening at this point.
Yes you might have had a rough/bad day, but don't forget, your spouse also has lived during the day too, so give each other time for a rambling session. Don't just come home and from that time until you go to bed talk everything about yourself. Makes the other one feel like he/she doesn't exist.
So, once upon a time, these two complete strangers met through this forum called city-data. He traveled halfway around the world just to meet her. 18 months later they were married. Next month...will be their first anniversary! Stay tuned for pictures!
So, once upon a time, these two complete strangers met through this forum called city-data. He traveled halfway around the world just to meet her. 18 months later they were married. Next month...will be their first anniversary! Stay tuned for pictures!
See you soon Sweden!
Wow!! What a story!! I had no idea C-D can act as a match-maker! Will wait for those pictures!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
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