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It's all about love, and I don't care how cheesy that sounds. The majority of people I know are in convenience marriages. Sure, they love their spouse. But most of them got married because they hit the right age, and that happened to be who they were dating at the time. They wanted the marriage and the children and to not feel left out from what their friends were doing more than they wanted their SO. We live in a super conditional society. We love her until she gains 20 lbs. We love him until he loses his job. We love her until she wants to move to the west coast. We love him until he starts golfing on the weekends.
We have a huge disagreement in our marriage. Just about everyone who knows about it thinks we should get a divorce. Ridiculous! That's really how people think these days. They can't imagine that my husband and I love each other so much, that we'd rather have each other than win a disagreement.
I completely agree!! Especially about the convenience part. I look around and think: "How many of these couples are actually happy?" Some look so bored with each other, even I could cry, some look like there is a distance/wall between each other that cannot be broken. I'm an observer with an non-judgemental nature, it's very hard for me to think of anyone judgementally, but I do like to make observations with my own conclusions and I see and feel that many couples are not happy together. I just get the vibes.
I agree with most of the posts here already, with little to add, actually
I have been in love with my husband for 10 years, best friends for 9, and married for 7. All in all, we have a great time enjoying each other's lives.
When we first started out, I was married already. Of course to the wrong man ever for me, but I was so very young, naive, and did everything my family told me not to do. Lesson learned.
He stuck by me and saw me at my worst before he ever saw me at my best. He always laughed at my jokes, and I began to notice that this guy really "got me". Not those pity laughs to make you feel better, his eyes watered up because he got the joke! And no one else in the room understood squat of what I had just said. That led me to imagine a world of just us two, with our own little jokes, and before long, we enjoyed doing that exact thing.
Girls would come to me, his best friend, and just ***** **** and moan about all his little quirks. They couldn't stand the way he did this, and didn't share that....I thought, "wow. I like him just as he is. I wouldn't want to change a thing because he wouldn't be the guy he is without all those little this and thats." That's acceptance of a person. 100% faults and all. And if you really respect him, it really isn't much a fault after all, its just what it is. Part of him.
When the rough times hit and we didn't see eye to eye on some really important issues, we would pick a spot and sit right down on the carpet. I would give him the "come hither finger" and he'd sit down with a chuckle. We pride ourselves on our communication, after all, all those long talks on the phone while two states away, and staying up all night chatting when we were in love at first.....those were the test drives that lead us right here to this carpet chat. Let's see how our practicing made out.
Compromise is something that I had trouble with. I am a social butterfly, and he is an introverted hermit crab. I crave life and sunshine, he craves his cave and gadgets. Compromise can be a rewarding and adventurous thing. He comes out with me and enjoys a new place with new food and of course new gadgets to buy, and I snuggle in his cave with my computer and we play some Alterac Valley battle grounds in world of warcraft. If you can't beat em, join em, just remember to kick his ass and show him who's the big whig!
Things in common is important. Not to slap polar opposites off the map, but enjoying the same juicy foods and the same roller coaster rides makes for some pretty fun memories down the line.
And never forget why you got together in the first place. Lookin at each other 10 years later, my boobs ain't so perky, and his belly ain't so flat.....but his kisses still taste the same, he still loves it when I bite his ear, and we still melt when our favorite movie comes on.
Marriage is like a satin ribbon, at first it's shiny and soft, and just perfect. It keeps going on and on, and even though the sun fades the ribbon just ever so slightly, it still feels good when you wrap it around your heart, and tie it off with a beautiful bow.
Kat
Wow man,...that's beautiful. Simply beautiful.
You mean to tell me there is hope of me getting out of my mess and finding that someone that thinks I am funy?
You both have to be going in the same direction and have the same goals and morals.
I would say my husband and I are very different in many ways but very the same in others (See above).
If you have one person who is a saver and the other a spender, right there you have problems. If you have a cheater and someone loyal, that is another problem.
I don't think you have to be carbon copies of each other...just hold the same morals and values.
Accept people have flaws. Accept maybe your family will not like your partner and let THEM get over it. Once you marry, your family is you, the spouse and kids. That's normal. Choosing mommy and daddy over your spouse will cause trouble. They may wonder what you see in him or her but that is THEIR problem. Same for your friends.
Another pitfall is expecting it to be sunshine, roses, and sex every day. Wake up....it will not be like 'when you first met' for most people and if you want that feeling, the thrill of the chase and conquer, don't get married. (I think people miss this the most after being in a long term relationship).
Partners get sick, lose jobs...if you can't handle that, then do not get married. Some years will be very lean. I know, because I am going through it now.
Committment. A determination from both to make it work, that they will stick it out through thick and thin. And trust. So that even after a heated argument, the other will not run out and have a quickie affair, that certain limits will never be crossed. Partnership. They work together for the benefit of both whether it's shared duties or separate duties, changing to fit the needs of their partnership.
Yes, you could stop the thread right here. Commitment by both parties to make it work. Love and chemistry, believe it or not, does wilt or at least cycle. A commitment to make it work will carry the marriage through the down turns.
Another thing is you have to be able to have something in common with your partner. I know so many people who are married yet cannot spend time together unless they are with other couples or other people.
True love, if it's real, should be unconditional. It shouldn't be "I love you if..." or "I'll love you when...", it should be given and shared without demanding or expecting it in return. If you give someone a gift, you do not give it with conditions attached or expecting something in return. You give from your heart. Your love is a gift, and when you give it, you should do so without a list of expectations, or you can anticipate a lot of disappointment in your life. I'm not talking about unconditional as in, he/she can cheat on you or abuse you and you still love them. Those are obvious dealbreakers, though it may not necessarily stop you from loving them.
With true love there is a bond of trust that should be established as you've gotten to know them. The relationship had time to grow, nurture and ultimately blossom into something unbreakable. It takes time, and unlike your love of a child which is instantaneous once they enter this world (a love like no other), loving a spouse requires knowing them flaws and all, and accepting them for who they are and developing a mutual respect and admiration of one another.
Thanks coolhand, thiat's what I was trying to say I DO love my husband unconditionally and he loves me the same - we will love each other always, not just until one of us lets the other down.
For years when I was out and about, I'd study couples around my age. How they interacted and their body language/responses to each other. So many, too many, seem to just tolerate each other. No hint of that joy, no spark. They just were. In my mind, those are the marriage of convenience folks. They are plodding their way through life and love.
Once in a while, I'd see the other side of the story. A couple that was actively engaged with each other and still enjoying their SO. They still held hands and as often as not, were touching. They smiled, talked, and had eye contact. They were more interested in each other than the surroundings. They cared about the person they were with. It was obvious their relationship was sexual and strong. The man seemed gentlemanly and caring. He did things like open car doors and hold chairs. Because he wanted to..... As a couple they looked incredibly happy and in love.
As I got older there were fewer passionate, happy couples to observe. More and more seemed to be just going through the motions. Sigh. It looked like people were finished staying together for the kids and were now staying together for the grandkids. No excitement, no thrills left. They just got up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. Nothing bad and nothing good. Just nothing. The bills got paid and they funded their IRA's. They put the kids through school, paid for weddings, and went to funerals.
The plodders just are and they don't even seem to know they are missing out. I think they will live and die together until and unless one of them happens to discover they have a choice. Life can be more than what they have. Next they have to be willing to take a chance and give up what they have. As we age, things like financial security become more important and we become less willing to make changes.
So what's the difference between the lovers and the plodders? I think I learned that recently. The lovers have always put a priority on their relationship. They learned early on that they had to come first part of the time. Before children and parents, and responsibilities. They had to make their partner a true priority in order to maintain what they had. Their relationship had to be healthy and loving. These folks learned how to put the rest of the minutiae away and concentrate on each other. If you want to be able to care for everyone else, you have to care for yourself first.
Maybe their kids didn't have after school activities every day of the week. The house wasn't always perfect and the laundry wasn't caught up. The kids stayed with grandparents or a babysitter pretty often so Mom and Dad could have some time alone. It all balances out because these kids got a great advantage. They grew up in a loving home where the parents cared about each other and weren't just going through the motions on autopilot. Mom and Dad learned to say no and find the balance that allowed them to nurture the things that are important.
Who are you? Are you a plodder or a lover?
I've sat on the sidelines and observed for too long. I've spent too much time thinking about this. It's time to change.
For years when I was out and about, I'd study couples around my age. How they interacted and their body language/responses to each other. So many, too many, seem to just tolerate each other. No hint of that joy, no spark. They just were. In my mind, those are the marriage of convenience folks. They are plodding their way through life and love.
Once in a while, I'd see the other side of the story. A couple that was actively engaged with each other and still enjoying their SO. They still held hands and as often as not, were touching. They smiled, talked, and had eye contact. They were more interested in each other than the surroundings. They cared about the person they were with. It was obvious their relationship was sexual and strong. The man seemed gentlemanly and caring. He did things like open car doors and hold chairs. Because he wanted to..... As a couple they looked incredibly happy and in love.
As I got older there were fewer passionate, happy couples to observe. More and more seemed to be just going through the motions. Sigh. It looked like people were finished staying together for the kids and were now staying together for the grandkids. No excitement, no thrills left. They just got up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. Nothing bad and nothing good. Just nothing. The bills got paid and they funded their IRA's. They put the kids through school, paid for weddings, and went to funerals.
The plodders just are and they don't even seem to know they are missing out. I think they will live and die together until and unless one of them happens to discover they have a choice. Life can be more than what they have. Next they have to be willing to take a chance and give up what they have. As we age, things like financial security become more important and we become less willing to make changes.
So what's the difference between the lovers and the plodders? I think I learned that recently. The lovers have always put a priority on their relationship. They learned early on that they had to come first part of the time. Before children and parents, and responsibilities. They had to make their partner a true priority in order to maintain what they had. Their relationship had to be healthy and loving. These folks learned how to put the rest of the minutiae away and concentrate on each other. If you want to be able to care for everyone else, you have to care for yourself first.
Maybe their kids didn't have after school activities every day of the week. The house wasn't always perfect and the laundry wasn't caught up. The kids stayed with grandparents or a babysitter pretty often so Mom and Dad could have some time alone. It all balances out because these kids got a great advantage. They grew up in a loving home where the parents cared about each other and weren't just going through the motions on autopilot. Mom and Dad learned to say no and find the balance that allowed them to nurture the things that are important.
Who are you? Are you a plodder or a lover?
I've sat on the sidelines and observed for too long. I've spent too much time thinking about this. It's time to change.
I love your post. You said it way better then me. Right now, I'm a lover, but fearful of becoming a plodder.
For years when I was out and about, I'd study couples around my age. How they interacted and their body language/responses to each other. So many, too many, seem to just tolerate each other. No hint of that joy, no spark. They just were. In my mind, those are the marriage of convenience folks. They are plodding their way through life and love.
Once in a while, I'd see the other side of the story. A couple that was actively engaged with each other and still enjoying their SO. They still held hands and as often as not, were touching. They smiled, talked, and had eye contact. They were more interested in each other than the surroundings. They cared about the person they were with. It was obvious their relationship was sexual and strong. The man seemed gentlemanly and caring. He did things like open car doors and hold chairs. Because he wanted to..... As a couple they looked incredibly happy and in love.
As I got older there were fewer passionate, happy couples to observe. More and more seemed to be just going through the motions. Sigh. It looked like people were finished staying together for the kids and were now staying together for the grandkids. No excitement, no thrills left. They just got up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. Nothing bad and nothing good. Just nothing. The bills got paid and they funded their IRA's. They put the kids through school, paid for weddings, and went to funerals.
The plodders just are and they don't even seem to know they are missing out. I think they will live and die together until and unless one of them happens to discover they have a choice. Life can be more than what they have. Next they have to be willing to take a chance and give up what they have. As we age, things like financial security become more important and we become less willing to make changes.
So what's the difference between the lovers and the plodders? I think I learned that recently. The lovers have always put a priority on their relationship. They learned early on that they had to come first part of the time. Before children and parents, and responsibilities. They had to make their partner a true priority in order to maintain what they had. Their relationship had to be healthy and loving. These folks learned how to put the rest of the minutiae away and concentrate on each other. If you want to be able to care for everyone else, you have to care for yourself first.
Maybe their kids didn't have after school activities every day of the week. The house wasn't always perfect and the laundry wasn't caught up. The kids stayed with grandparents or a babysitter pretty often so Mom and Dad could have some time alone. It all balances out because these kids got a great advantage. They grew up in a loving home where the parents cared about each other and weren't just going through the motions on autopilot. Mom and Dad learned to say no and find the balance that allowed them to nurture the things that are important.
Who are you? Are you a plodder or a lover?
I've sat on the sidelines and observed for too long. I've spent too much time thinking about this. It's time to change.
Very insightful post
Making your partner a priority is key - people get busy and forgot to that and things begin to fall apart.
Unconditionally? No. Most humans love conditionally, meaning we love our SO until they commit the unpardonable sin against us. Then if we do forgive them, we give them 3 strikes until we're done for good.
THAT is one very big reason so many marriages don't make it.
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Wow man,...that's beautiful. 
I DO love my husband unconditionally and he loves me the same - we will love each other always, not just until one of us lets the other down.
I love your post. You said it way better then me. Right now, I'm a lover, but fearful of becoming a plodder.
