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I need some advice on behalf of my mother from you guys who have had cheating partners and spouses. We believe that my father, who has been married to my mother for over 20 years has been cheating on her.My family recently got newer cell phone with the family locator to be able to locate her in case she came up missing. My father has always been the type that would hit the road and be gone for hours either visiting friends or working swing hours at his job. My mother didn't seem to mind, but recently it kind of started bothering her that he isn't around much, since they are both in their 50s. Plus he started snapping at her for questioning where he has been. So she added his phone to the locator, and started noticing him spending a lot of time at this one house.
My mom was invited to go to a church outing with my dad's best friend's wife. She told me they were talking about spouse issues. Somewhere in the conversation, my dad friend's wife eventually told my mother that my father was cheating on her. My mom said she was kind of shocked, but then she went on to name the street that this house where the family locator had the street.
So my mom eventually told me and we checked the call logs and noticed several numbers that kept re-appearing each day. So we researched it and call and found those numbers to be Pam's home and mobile number. We drove by the location of the house and got the street number and sure enough it belongs to Pam. There were tons and tons of logs, where he would be calling these few numbers everyday. There were even a few calls going to her phone at 12am.
My mother is devastated by this whole thing, because she's never really had to deal with this before. She hasn't even mentioned it to my dad yet. I'm just shocked and disappointed. My dad isn't without flaw, but he has always been a honest hard working guy and always supported us. This just doesn't seem like the same person.
What do you guys think? It seems like he is cheating, but something keeps telling me that maybe this is a misunderstanding. He has been known to help elderly people in the past. I know it's my parents issue and they will have to work it out, but I hate seeing my mother this upset. Any advice? Thanks.
I know you are upset about your Mom and Dad's issues but that is exactly what they are..their issues. You can't and shouldn't go barging into whatever it is going on with them but what you can do is talk with you Mom and tell her how all this is making you and the family feel. She is going to have to be the one to confront your Dad.
It does seem like he spends a lot of time on the cell phone and who in the devil could he possibly be calling so late at night? Your Mom should ask him that for sure. Do I think he is cheating?? He could be but without real proof, it is hard to tell. If you go and accuse him and he isn't then you are going to get caught in the middle; not someplace you want to be.
So, none of us on here are going to be able to give you any concrete answers and I am sure most of us are going to feel that Mom has to take over the reins on this one and figure it out. Cheating hurts real bad and sometimes it is easier to let it go on and play itself out rather than face the reality of it and get it to stop. I've been in both places and it stinks.
Good Luck and hope your Mom reads this too because it is up to her to end this mystery once and for all.
You could talk to your dad alone, tell him you have noticed what is going on, and if he doesn't stop immediately that you will talk to mom about it. (the mom part could be optional but you know your situation best)
Another option would be again to tell him that you know what is going on and you are giving him 24 hours to tell mom and stop the cheating, that you will then tell mom. (if you want him to come clean to mom)
Don't approach it as you suspect, don't give him the chance to defend it or lie about it, just tell him you already know.
It seems like he is cheating??? He IS CHEATING. What do you want him to do? Shout it from the roof tops?
I think you are still in denial. But the fact of the matter is, this is your mother's marriage, so you can only give her advice but it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. She may chose to ignore it, she may try counseling, or she may leave him. Its not an easy choice, but its her choice to make.
Your mother needs a support group / network, and not just you.
1. It's her marriage; and that's between her and your dad. But decision on how to proceed and handle this info is up to her.
For now, it's a strong suspicion. Hire a PI to get more solid proof before confronting her husband. Even if she confronts him at this point, (and he's cheating) he would deny it.
2. Your mom should get some IC individual counselling going so that she has a way to vent her issues and feelings about these under certainties. She just needs to call her insurance company, ask for mental healthy services, and request a referral for family/individual counselling.
3. As I said, she needs a network of support--friends and family are great, but sometimes these private things are very hard to discuss; and an IC is limited. Enter, the internet. There are many great forums with many genuine people who care. Some such forum I know is Midlife Club, and FortySixty. PM me if you want direct links, or just google them.
Just from the many articles and postings of many other people who been there and done that; she won't feel alone and unique in these situations.
4. One last thought. If it is an affair; affair thrive on the secrecy. Exposing the affair in the light of truth withers the fantasy. It is costly either way.
Don't get in between any two family members fight. They tell parents not to intervene when their children are involved in a disagreement , and I think the same holds true for children. You will still have a mother and father when the smoke clears and one of them may be without a spouse or partner. Your father isn't cheating on you, if your mother keeps enlisting you as one of her supports point her in the direction of some one better suited to help her,
Stay the heck out of it! You've not talked to your father but have already taken sides with your mother. 'Tain't fair! Tain't smart! Only your mother and father know what went on in their marriage, and they're both going to see it from a different viewpoint. You're only viewpoint is as an outsider, which means absolutely nothing.
Tell your mother that she should see a counselor and that you can't take sides. And you CERTAINLY should not be gathering evidence for anyone!!!!!!!
Stay the heck out of it! You've not talked to your father but have already taken sides with your mother. 'Tain't fair! Tain't smart! Only your mother and father know what went on in their marriage, and they're both going to see it from a different viewpoint. You're only viewpoint is as an outsider, which means absolutely nothing.
Tell your mother that she should see a counselor and that you can't take sides. And you CERTAINLY should not be gathering evidence for anyone!!!!!!!
Yep No good will come of it - a child has no place in their parents relationship.
I need some advice on behalf of my mother from you guys who have had cheating partners and spouses. We believe that my father, who has been married to my mother for over 20 years has been cheating on her.
My family recently got newer cell phone with the family locator to be able to locate her in case she came up missing. My father has always been the type that would hit the road and be gone for hours either visiting friends or working swing hours at his job. My mother didn't seem to mind, but recently it kind of started bothering her that he isn't around much, since they are both in their 50s. Plus he started snapping at her for questioning where he has been. So she added his phone to the locator, and started noticing him spending a lot of time at this one house.
My mom was invited to go to a church outing with my dad's best friend's wife. She told me they were talking about spouse issues. Somewhere in the conversation, my dad friend's wife eventually told my mother that my father was cheating on her. My mom said she was kind of shocked, but then she went on to name the street that this house where the family locator had the street.
So my mom eventually told me and we checked the call logs and noticed several numbers that kept re-appearing each day. So we researched it and call and found those numbers to be Pam's home and mobile number. We drove by the location of the house and got the street number and sure enough it belongs to Pam. There were tons and tons of logs, where he would be calling these few numbers everyday. There were even a few calls going to her phone at 12am.
My mother is devastated by this whole thing, because she's never really had to deal with this before. She hasn't even mentioned it to my dad yet. I'm just shocked and disappointed. My dad isn't without flaw, but he has always been a honest hard working guy and always supported us. This just doesn't seem like the same person.
What do you guys think? It seems like he is cheating, but something keeps telling me that maybe this is a misunderstanding. He has been known to help elderly people in the past. I know it's my parents issue and they will have to work it out, but I hate seeing my mother this upset. Any advice? Thanks.
First of all. Dang!! Cell phones can do that? Note to self:
Secondly. I think that is nasty to be tracking him like a lost puppy.
Shame on you both for doing this. I think you should buy a cargovan and drill a hole in the side and stake out the place for weeks. Yeah, yeah! Then you can run up to him like in that show "Cheaters." Yeah, yeah!!
I hope you guys do something stupid by confronting him and you find out he is helping her out as a friend.
My mother has already been through hell these past few years, with her parents passing, her job situation and finances, issues with my mentally ill sister,
First - I'm terribly sorry that you and your mother are going through this incredibly stressful situation. I can't imagine how hard that would be and I hope I never know firsthand.
Cheating is never excusable however, cheaters always have their reasons for cheating and I think we can see that your dad has been through quite a lot with your mom over the years. I would encourage your mom to seek counseling and for her to ask your dad to join her. Perhaps they can work together in this and perhaps not but it is ultimately up to them as to how this will pan out.
I hope that if you need some counseling you would not be above seeking it for yourself. Given that you have a mentally ill sister and the stresses that we can see you living through with your parents perhaps there is something for you to gain as well. Perhaps not, but it would probably be nice to have an outlet to express your emotions and frustrations about this since it obviously will be difficult to use your mom and/or dad as a sounding board.
I do hope your family is able to work everything out as best they can.
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No good will come of it - a child has no place in their parents relationship.
