Hostages in someone else's marital problems

[UrbanBlasphemy]

Originally Posted by verobeach

When a young marriage goes bad, I mean when it's divorce one minute then reconciliation the next, then lawyers, then reconciliation again, then back to the lawyers, etc., etc., etc... What do the fringe people, i.e. in-laws, do?

I'm going to disagree with what everyone else is saying here.. so ya'll can slap me if ya want, it's all good.

Thing is, this is life. There are people involved. It's not reality TV where the end result is always happy, it'd be nice if it was.

Above all, the couple have to make their own choices. There's nothing that nobody can do about that, they are going to do what they do anyway, regardless of what you say or do. But, with that said, that's no reason for you to sit back and accept what they do. I wish that someone would have spoke up when I was with my ex.. Instead everyone simply played all politically correct and things just got worse.

So, how do you deal with things? Well, quit putting on false facades every time you're around them. You have to be yourself, no matter who is involved. That right there teaches a great lesson anyway, if you think about it. So you don't like her, ok. I'm not saying be mean to her, but at the same time, I think that you should be allowed to feel how you feel and not hide it. The important thing is to be open and honest. If she asks, tell her (politely and as a civilized human being) what the issue is. Don't accuse her of things - that'll just start a fight, but rather use language that makes it known that that's just how you feel.

Look at the big picture here. By pretending that nothing is wrong, what message is that sending to them? How do you think that they see things? Obviously, you want what is best for your son and his kids, but what do their kids see? These are all things that you have to think about.

Ok, with all that said, let me add a couple more things here. Be proactive in your lives, as well as theirs. I'm not saying to be a nosy nagging parent, that'll just turn them off. I'm saying, if they need help getting their stuff together, well, help them. Talk to your son, tell him how you feel. Tell him the things that he doesn't yet know, but do it in a way that he'll understand, and then give it time. They may resent you for a little while, but in the long run, they will come to understand your intentions, and more than likely will see truth in what you've said.

I was the type that never "listened" to my parents, or anyone else when they gave advice.. I would always say, "I know, I know..", and then walk away.. But, I heard every word they said. I didn't always agree with it, but I heard it. As I've grown older, I look back and realize that they were right so many times.. I've learned that whenever I encounter a new situation, I'll stop and think back and try to remember if anything was said.. The point is, I learned a lot from them, and if I didn't have them to teach me then I don't know where I'd be. Even more than that, I look at how they are together, how they act around people, how they stand up for what they believe in, and all of that has made all the difference.

Just something to think about..

I wish you all the best!

[seeriously]

Urban Blasphemy, you bring up some good points. We are honest with our son and talk openly. He knows we are uncomfortable around her and we're all making an effort, even d-i-l to get along for the sake of the kids. I do continue to be an actress around her but there's no way I'm coming across like before no matter how hard I try. My real feelings must come through the veneer. As far as the grandkids go, we're in their lives to have fun times and make cheerful memories. When we're with them, it's just laughs and hugs and lots of loving.

[UrbanBlasphemy]

Originally Posted by verobeach

Urban Blasphemy, you bring up some good points. ... When we're with them, it's just laughs and hugs and lots of loving.

That's it right there, be honest and talk openly.. I believe that's what good relationships are based on.. Kudos for that, seriously. Too many people just pretend the problems don't exist, meanwhile they just keep getting worse while they fester in the background. And again, excellent about the grand-kids.. These are the moments in time that they will remember - the love, the time spent together.. I think those things have more of an impact than anything. As they say, actions speak louder than words.

Still, I say this; quit being an actress. You are who you are and nobody can ever change that. If that's the role you want to take, fine, but personally it doesn't sound like you're too happy in that role. You can be yourself without having to walk on egg-shells.. Just find that balance where you're comfortable, but at the same time supportive.

I really hope that they can get things together and make a better life for themselves. When people fight, it doesn't just hurt them, but everyone around them.

I wish you all the best.