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Since I grew up in the military and saw people come and go in life from an early age it never bothers me much when friends pass in and out of life.
With boundaries people that get upset with you over it have no right to be. It's your personal space and you own it. I don't worry about offending people. I think I'm a nice and decent person, but also I am not here to be a personal slave, prop up a one sided relationship or be a nurse maid.
I've learned that setting boundaries doesn't always mean people will abide by them. Sometimes we have to set them by walking away.
I move forward by accepting that I cannot make anyone do anything, or make them value me more than they do or are capable of. Everyone has their limitations. Whether they are purely selfish or just not compatible with me in the ways that matter most, I won't force it.
If I am reading this right we are talking about changing the dynamic with your mother rather than a "lady friend". Its two very different types of relationships. As a mother myself, I would also be upset if my son announced that when he came into town, he would be staying at a hotel instead of staying at home. Obviously it is your choice but it seems to be a very harsh to me.
Sorry, both. It is the girlfriend I was to have stayed with. I don't stay with my mother as she has a small place. Plus, I like my space and can only take so much of it. Perhaps if your son ever decides to stay at a hotel, it won't seem so harsh to you if he just wants his space?
Plus, I've quit smoking and don't want to be around cigarettes. The GF smokes and says I should be stronger. I disagree. This is yet another reason I want to stay in a hotel.
Sorry, both. It is the girlfriend I was to have stayed with. I don't stay with my mother as she has a small place. Plus, I like my space and can only take so much of it. Perhaps if your son ever decides to stay at a hotel, it won't seem so harsh to you if he just wants his space?
Plus, I've quit smoking and don't want to be around cigarettes. The GF smokes and says I should be stronger. I disagree. This is yet another reason I want to stay in a hotel.
Sorry- I misunderstood. As to the girlfriend - not being around a smoker is a very valid reason to want your own space so stick to your guns. Same goes for your mother's place too if its small and would be uncomfortable for you. As to my son, he has all the "space" he could want since he lives & works over 1,000 miles away and only comes "home" about once a year. Have to admit, I like to have him around when he is in town but we do not put any conditions on his visits. He is considerate enough of my feelings to at least leave one evening free for visiting with his father & me when he comes into town
Sorry, both. It is the girlfriend I was to have stayed with. I don't stay with my mother as she has a small place. Plus, I like my space and can only take so much of it. Perhaps if your son ever decides to stay at a hotel, it won't seem so harsh to you if he just wants his space?
Plus, I've quit smoking and don't want to be around cigarettes. The GF smokes and says I should be stronger. I disagree. This is yet another reason I want to stay in a hotel.
Oh my..well if you told me that I would laugh and KNOW! I quit too and being around smokers totally makes me want one.
Sounds like you are pulling away from her a bit. It would be best if she just agreed with you. Then you might feel more compelled to agree with her and find some compromise.
I've never been in you exact situation, but I have had to deal with people that I have had to tell several times to back off and I'd call them. If they repeatedly don't listen then I have to go further and not be friends with them at all. The key, when someone needs space, is to show no resistance and give them what they ask for.
I've found it to be very tough and that other people get upset in the process. This upsets me. I feel like at times it is necessary so as to not get all walked over. But then they are used to walking all over you so it upsets the apple cart. At times it can cost relationships and then you (I) end up with no friends. I know the idea is to make new friends, but it's hard in that in-between stage.
Anyway, has anyone else ever set out to completely change things and found the reaction to your change has been negative? If so, how do you move forward and not let these reactions bother you? You can know it's the right thing to do yet it is very uncomfortable for both people.
Recently I've set a boundary with someone I've known for 35 years. I visit my home town and have always gone to her house to spend the night. This time around I've told her I won't be doing this and that she can drive down to where I AM AT which is what I want. I want to stay in the hotel and just meet for lunch or dinner. Needless to say, I may not end up seeing her at all, but I'm not budging on this. I know she is upset over this. Whatever. But this is still upsetting me! Again, what is your experience?
She probably loving it. You know how stressful it is having people staying over at your house.
I've found it to be very tough and that other people get upset in the process. ... Again, what is your experience?
That's the one thing that most people always have problems accepting; that's change.
Thing is, people just become comfortable with the status quo, and when something changes, it upsets their equilibrium; it's something new to them. People tend to be afraid to try new things, in general, so they go along with what's always been done.
With me, in 1996 I stopped drinking and all of that. That crap nearly killed me, and I knew that if I didn't change then it would. A lot of my "friends" were upset at this, and many of them simply fell by the wayside. But, Dr's orders are Dr's orders, and I wasn't going to take a chance on my life for anyone or anything. I had to completely change...
...but, life has a way of wrapping things up in nice little bows. Sure, I lost pretty much every friend I had, but, at the same time, I gained a new life.
Thing is, a true friend is going to be there no matter what. A true friend will accept you for who you are, and won't thing negatively because you just happened to make a change in your life.
It was hard to deal with, what happened to me. Still, I knew that, with time, these things that "hurt" me now wouldn't matter. I kept thinking, if I'm still alive in five years, how amazing life will be.. Those things that "hurt" me at that time actually had the opposite effect in the long run. They taught me a lot about friendship, and about life in general.
So, when I'm faced with a difficult change that either I have to make or have to overcome, I just look to the future. I paint out in my mind how things will be, and then get on with life.
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