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Here are some quotes in an article to help weigh out what a person should do if they have children and want a divorce.
"Divorce is painful."
"Divorce is litigation," writes M. Gary Neuman in his book Emotional Infidelity. "Someone is suing someone. The second you decide to divorce, you are giving up control over your child. You are also giving up control over your finances, and perhaps even where you will live. You may resolve your issues in mediation, but maybe not. Ultimately, a stranger called a judge could be the one to tell you how often you will see your child and how much of your money you will keep. Unfortunately, that stranger doesn't think exactly like you."
"Often, divorce merely exchanges one set of problems for another. Indeed, everything from living arrangements to financial status may change-and likely not for the better. And then there is the impact divorce has on children."
"Divorce can devastate children, regardless of their age. Some chain that adolescents fare better. After all, they reasoning goes, they are more mature and are in the process of separating from their parents anyway. However, researchers see a flip side to the coin. They have found that because of those very factors, divorce can hit adolescents the hardest."
Consider the following:
-As they navigate their way toward adulthood, adolescents are highly insecure, perhaps even more so than when they were children. Do not let their independent streak fool you-adolescents need the anchor of family stability as never before.
-At the very time in life when adolescents are learning to forge mature friendships, divorce teaches them to be skeptical of such values as trust, loyalty, and love. Later, as adults, they may avoid close relationships altogether.
-While it is common for children of all ages to act out their pain, adolescents are more likely to do so in dangerous ways, including delinquency, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse.
"This is not to say that adolescents whose parents divorce are doomed emotionally or otherwise. They can succeed, especially if they have a relationship with both parents. However, it is naive to think that divorce will always be, as some might say, 'better for the children' or that it will put an end to all tension between spouses. In fact, some find that they have to deal more with their 'intolerable' spouse after the divorce than before and much more vilatile issues, such as financial support or child custody. In such cases divorce does not end family problems; it simply moves them to a different arena."
Some question my resolve to stick out the remaining 8 years of my marriage till my son is 18. I feel after that he will be moving on and I then can move on.
What are your thoughts on this article and did it make you think of things that you may not have in deciding?
Divorce is certainly not something people should just jump toward. But sometimes it is the best solution for everyone, including the kids. Staying in an empty marriage also causes damage and teaches the wrong lessons. Kids are not as naive or blind as we may think.
I'd like to say we all know what is best, but some people use their kids as an excuse to stay to "keep the family together" when it really boils down to them not wanting to leave, no matter how detrimental it is for the kids.
My parents should have divorced, and because they didn't we considered their approach to marriage (and parenting) to be normal when it wasn't. Of course, no two situations are alike and there is a lot to consider; it is surely not an easy decision.
Marriage is more than just two people saying "I do". It grows into something much larger than that with family and economic ramifications. Whether you switch it off or not depends on way too many variables to give this question an easy, all-encompassing answer.
Ending a marriage does not necessarily end a friendship, and it certainly does not end a complicated of responsibilities to each other. Sometimes it works better, easier and cheaper, to go your separate ways and keep the legal marriage in place.
For example, if you want your ex to be the heir to your estate, staying married precludes the necessity for a will and maybe probate. If you have joint ownership in property, staying married makes it easier to settle property issues. Joint custody of children is a lot easier if you can agree yourselves on it, and still have legal force to do things like travel, enrol in school, etc.
I am all for divorce. If you aren't happy, counseling doesn't help and all other means are useless.....GET OUT. If you are already thinking about it, you already have decided what you want to do. Life is too freaking short to be miserable all the time. I am sure others will disagree with me but I been through this crap and I KNOW HOW IT GOES.
I agree with the part about it not really solving any problems, just changing the arena. If you have children, and your SO is difficult to deal with, those conflicts don't just go away when the divorce happens. We are separated currently due to some other issues beyond just marital unhappiness but we are sort of in limbo as to whether or not we will stay together in the long run or not. I will say my children are doing much better than I thought they would since we separated a month or so ago. BUT I can see why you feel the way you do funyman...the husband usually gets the short end of the stick in the deal anyway...financially and usually with the wife having primary custody of the kids as well...if leaving my husband meant I wouldn't see my children nearly as much, I would NEVER have done it.
as long as we live under current divorce laws, divorce will continue to be the quick fix.
some quick cash an easy out from a lousy marriage, and a once in a life time opportunity to slap the old man around with a lawyer, too good to pass up. revenge is sweet but brief and always a good idea to dig 2 graves.
Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 09-26-2009 at 06:20 PM..
I don't think divorce should be for trivial reasons especially if it means destroying a family for the kids. The 3 A's -- abuse, adultery, and addiction (alcohol and/or drugs) are the good reasons for ending a marriage.
I don't think divorce should be for trivial reasons especially if it means destroying a family for the kids. The 3 A's -- abuse, adultery, and addiction (alcohol and/or drugs) are the good reasons for ending a marriage.
i have read a lota CDF posts from women with divorce in their past.
no remorse none. only ones fussing about the broken family are the guys, what happened to the moral defenders of the family, the great speeches by gloria steinem?
toto i dont think we are in kansas any more.
Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 09-26-2009 at 06:35 PM..
I think this article was on point. I particularly liked the theme that while divorce is a measure taken to increase one's freedom, it oftentimes ends up actually restricting it. The author is absolutely correct in his or her statement that it means a stranger will decide the access one has to one's own money, property and children.
Absolutist thinking is always flawed. There are of course sound reasons for divorce in some cases: abuse, addiction and infidelity being chief among them. Marriage to someone who is not an honest broker because he or she has no impulse control (as is the case of marriages involving addiction and affairs) or someone who is intent on manipulating and controlling you (abuse) is a living hell that is best escaped at all costs. However, marriages in cases where the couple feels there are irreconciable differences can probably be reconciled if the couple is genuinely invested in making some hard, adult decisions about who they are and who they want to be and who they want their children to be. Being a stand up guy or gal who makes strong promises and then keeps them isn't always easy, but it is something we should all strive to be.
We have a become a society in which all too often people feel entitled to take the easy way out of things for their comfort. They deserve it. Bought a house that turned out not to be everything you thought it would be, even though you agreed to the terms and conditions and had ample opportunity to examine the goods? In a by gotten era inhabited by Americans made of sterner stuff, the answer would be to take your lumps like an adult and pay the mortgage, learn some hard lessons and either get out of the contract in an honorable way or make the house something you can live with. Now? Just ditch it.
It's the same with marriage. People feel cheated if they find out they married a real person, not a chimera who fullfills all of their adolescent fantasies. Well, gee, a man thinks: "I didn't know she was going to get fat after having kids. This isn't what I signed up for." Or d*mn a woman thinks: "I married a guy with a good job, not an unemployed loser." Both conclude, I deserve better than this. Time to count my losses and go get what I have coming to me.
It's a sign of rotten character and misplaced values. Family is the most precious thing human beings have. Confucious saw that. When he sat down and did some deep reflection, he realized that family is the basic building block for everything good -- virtue and society. It's just such a shame that we live in a society that is so willing to throw family away for such foolish reasons. Misplaced, childish priorities. That's how I see it.
Sorry if I sound like I'm riding on a high horse. It just bothers me, because these divorces come at a high cost that all of us, every single one of us who make up this nation, this people, pay. I think we'd all be better off if we lived in a country where people kept their word more often. Just as peace begins at home, so does character. Honoring one's commitment to ones' family is an essential part of being a good person who does much good in the world. The decision to not do what you say your going to do and stand by the person you pledged to stand by forever should not be taken lightly. When it is, it tells me a lot about who you are and what I'm dealing with.
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