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Old 10-12-2009, 06:19 AM
 
2 posts, read 9,079 times
Reputation: 10

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Over a year ago I started dating a guy we'll call him 'X'. We were friends for 3 months before we started dating. We truly love each other and have a beautiful relationship. He is the sweetest man you could ever think of, very respectful and will always go out of his way for people. 6 months into the relationship a 8 month pregnant woman came to his flat. He told me about his past relations and best mates whom are females but he never ever mentioned this other woman that came to the house. Apparently they were best friends whom slept together 3 times. He had recently broken up with a woman whom he had been dating for 6 years and this so called best friend was there for him. After he slept with her 3 times he told her that they mates and should not be doing that at all and she agreed. Now he informed her that he was dating someone else and he was serious and believes that I am the one for him. He had once told her to come meet me but she refused. He said he never saw her for ages and she did not inform him she was pregnant from him. At first she refused the paternity tests but then eventually she gave consent and the baby proved his, he was devastated. Now this so called best friend i'll call her Y, when she came to the flat was rude to me. I did not know whom she was and I still said hello to her and introduced myself. She just looked at me with attitude and did not greet me back. I had never seen her before but my instinct told me it had something to do with X. She is good friends with his sister whom stays abroad and the sister wanted him to marry Y because she informed the sister she was abotu to give birth with his baby. Y sent X nasty texts about me which he showed me all telling him to leave me and that she loves him and does not want to be a single mother.
I was hurting for for a while and I still informed him if he wishes to be with her then he can because I do not want to be in the middle of drama, I loved him so much I was willing to let him go and decide in his own what he wants. He asked her why all these months she never told him anything and she had no answer. She only bought a bath and a few clothes & pampers for the baby before birth and nothing else. Now when the baby was born he bought everything and extra and is even in debt due to buying all these things. He told her several times that he wants to be a great dad and play his part but he wants nothing more than platonic relation with her. He was hurting that she never told him all this time when they were supposed to be best friends. He apologised to me for not telling me about this woman. He did not sleep with her when when were together so PLEASE he did not cheat on me. He just lied or should I say left out information about this woman Y. I was upset naturally but after all this he still wanted to be with me and we have a great relation, his mom adores me but not his sister. This woman Y left the country to stay with her mother and still she consistently cant get the picture, she tried to make his immediate family hate me, but it did not work only person whom does is his sister. Now she has stated that he must take the baby and look after him for a few months. I despise this woman. Not the fact she has his child, but the fact she instigates trouble, is maliscious and cant get the picture that he does not want her. She even contacted his ex of 6 years that she has his baby and sent pictures. It pains me that I dont have his baby but it's happened and I cant do anything about it but just support him and love him. This woman is so domineering, she demands and demands things and if not done her way she involves his sister and causes family stress. He wishes he never even slept with her. He said he used protection the 3 times but she says it was once without and twice with condom. He told me this woman fancied him all the years they have been friends but he never did and he has taken his responsibilty for his actions. She would even text him pictures of the baby everyday.
What I want to know is how can I deal with such a situation, I have a good heart so i guess i should just ignore her.
But what mother hides her pregnancy from her best friend whom would never ever hurt a fly. A mother who bought nothing for her child. and a woman whom cannot accept he is with someone else when they only slept 3 times together. And be rude to a woman that did not even know whom she was. And also why did she not inform him earlier because I was not in the picture those months and when he told her that it was a mistake that they had sex if she had feelings for him then why did she not tell him she wanted more than friendship. Now everytime he tells her to stop her madness she always says that she is the mother of his child and she must not hurt him with such statements.
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Old 10-12-2009, 06:43 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 16,488,459 times
Reputation: 9174
What kind of woman/mother is she? Selfish and immature. He is going to have to set some boundaries if he plans on having any quality of life.

There is really nothing you can do about it outside of setting your own boundaries as well. I understand that it would be upsetting, but it happened before you came along. Now you just have to decide if you want to live with it.

A good start would be for him to hire an attorney. He needs to set up his child support and visitation. If she wants him to take the baby, he needs to set up custody. Why does she want him to take the baby for 6 months? Is she unable to care for him? Does she just want a break? These are valid considerations and an attorney can help him sort it out.

You can ignore his sister, especially if she is living abroad. But he should set her straight. If she can't respect his wishes and form her opinions about you based on who you are as a person, then she can take a hike - 3rd grade mentality and all.

Good luck.
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:20 AM
 
2 posts, read 9,079 times
Reputation: 10
Thank you for your feedback. Yeah you right about all you stated. She has only been gone one month abroad to live. He gave her loads of money before she left and he will be sending monthly child support each month via transfer. She just said that because he hasnt seen the baby for a month that he must take him for a few months. I think maybe she feels there is still some hope for her and him even after been told several times. I'm beginning to think she is a bit mentally unstable as I feel she is failing to see common sense and reality and is some how deluded.
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:31 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 16,488,459 times
Reputation: 9174
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anyaa View Post
Thank you for your feedback. Yeah you right about all you stated. She has only been gone one month abroad to live. He gave her loads of money before she left and he will be sending monthly child support each month via transfer. She just said that because he hasnt seen the baby for a month that he must take him for a few months. I think maybe she feels there is still some hope for her and him even after been told several times. I'm beginning to think she is a bit mentally unstable as I feel she is failing to see common sense and reality and is some how deluded.
That statement is absolutely ridiculous and has nothing to do with what is best for the child. It's all about control. It also sounds like she wants some time off and is trying to justify it. She left, didn't she? So now he has to make up for it, 6 months for every month he is away from the child she took away to begin with? What a maroon. Who does she think she's kidding?

She seems to be under the impression that she runs the show because she is the baby-momma. She doesn't. The sooner he makes her aware of that, the better.
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:54 AM
 
4,533 posts, read 8,304,262 times
Reputation: 3429
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
That statement is absolutely ridiculous and has nothing to do with what is best for the child. It's all about control. It also sounds like she wants some time off and is trying to justify it. She left, didn't she? So now he has to make up for it, 6 months for every month he is away from the child she took away to begin with? What a maroon. Who does she think she's kidding?

She seems to be under the impression that she runs the show because she is the baby-momma. She doesn't. The sooner he makes her aware of that, the better.

I don't think she wants some time off.

To the OP, correct me if I am wrong. But from reading your post, I got the following facts.

1. X and Y slept together a few times and then X told Y, we can't be doing this.
2. X then met you (Oh heck, I'll call you Z )
3. Y never told X about the pregnancy until Y found out about you.
4. Y then starts in on X to leave you, leaves nasty texts and basically is not Miss Manners.
5. Y barely bought baby anything. X had to buy most if not everything.

So if I have everything above correct, then I would say she is not mentally unstable. Rather she knows what she is doing and that is making X pay for everything and do all the work. All she wants is X to do the job and have Z and everyone else stay out of it.

Bottom line, he's got to get a lawyer and set ground rules including money. Unfortunately there will be a power struggle with the kid as I fear Y will want to poison the childs mind against X and Z if Z stays in the relationship.

As one poster said already, she wants to be in total control. Counter the "I'm the baby's mother" with "We must do what is best for the child, not the child's mother".
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:53 PM
 
Location: Orlando, Florida
43,854 posts, read 50,853,077 times
Reputation: 58749
The truth is, if your boyfriend doesn't know (or have the heart) to set up proper boundaries now....do you know how bad this will get in the years ahead?? If he doesn't have legal visitation and child support set up as his only communication with this woman, then you have 18 VERY LONG YEARS of crap in your future. I'm sure he is a nice guy, but you really need to think it through and how this will affect your life and your own children one day.

I'm speaking from experience. I am now divorced. He was a spineless ninny....a nice ninny....but still a ninny. Every holiday, every special occasion, every summer.........ended up in chaos and confusion with his ex running the show with their kid as an excuse.

So, give it a long thought and make sure this won't be a big mistake to get involved in.

Good luck to you.
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Old 10-13-2009, 05:38 AM
 
18,270 posts, read 14,359,918 times
Reputation: 12980
She is a horrible woman. Totally greedy and now wants to take away your man . Its clear as day that your SO didn't want her even before you came along. And she knows this. So she either figured she would get him the old fashioned way, or she got lucky, and now she has what she wants-all his attention. Remind her and his sister that your SO never wanted her to begin with so its stupid to try to coerce him into it. The sister has some nerve to be getting involved in her brother's life. Tell her to get her own life and stop being a b****.
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