Love/Sex/Relationship jokes and poems (surprise, free, muscles, like)
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This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a dark secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p***s.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
A couple goes out on a first date. They get ready to say goodnight, he asks his date if she would have sex with him. She said, not on the first date.
Then he asks if she would give him a BJ... She said nope, too messy.
Exasperated he ask if she would give him a hand job... I never tried that was her response. He said its just like shaking a pop bottle. She agrees... After a few minutes he is main, she asks whats wrong... "Take your thumb off the end!"
A couple goes out on a first date. They get ready to say goodnight, he asks his date if she would have sex with him. She said, not on the first date.
Then he asks if she would give him a BJ... She said nope, too messy.
Exasperated he ask if she would give him a hand job... I never tried that was her response. He said its just like shaking a pop bottle. She agrees... After a few minutes he is main, she asks whats wrong... "Take your thumb off the end!"
On a more serious note, there's nothing more stupid than "asking" for things. That ain't the way of GETTING things!
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your a$$ ... That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
You like the fact that your breasts were slightly fondled by The Terminator, but 20 years later your blood sucking attorney decides you were offended so you do a national press conference...
On a more serious note, there's nothing more stupid than "asking" for things. That ain't the way of GETTING things!
No kidding.
Guy goes out from his beach house every day for an evening horseback ride. Every night he notices a beautiful woman riding her horse along the beach too. He is always too nervous to say anything to her or ask her out.
His friend says you should change horses to strike up a conversation.
Next night he switches to a paint horse, with the hope she notices. She does. She asks nice horse, did you just get him.
Guy goes out from his beach house every day for an evening horseback ride. Every night he notices a beautiful woman riding her horse along the beach too. He is always too nervous to say anything to her or ask her out.
His friend says you should change horses to strike up a conversation.
Next night he switches to a paint horse, with the hope she notices. She does. She asks nice horse, did you just get him.
After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.
"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"
A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.
"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".
A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.
"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".
The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.
"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most typical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".
A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.
"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.
"Yes, only once a year".
"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.
"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"...
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At least a cigar maybe...?
