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Nala, you're absolutely right. Conversations need two people. I hate being in a "conversation" where all I get to do is sit and listen to someone lecture.
I had an old high school teacher that had an excellent way of dealing with those people. When someone would start rambling on about something, demanding everyone else's attention, he would calmly step back and shout, "Pork!". Yeah, it makes no sense, but whoever was talking immediately stopped and stared at him, trying to figure out what the hell he was doing. He would then proceed to calmly state that he just wanted to get a word in, and that was the shortest word he could say without interrupting. It may not have been the most diplomatically correct way of doing things, but hell, it worked.
Since then, I've found myself doing something similar when occasion calls for it. I'll tell ya this much, that man was brilliant. It works every time.
Wow, I would stop talking to someone who did that a lot. That's how 5 year olds handle things, not grown men. I have a feeling some people here are really horrid listeners, and I don't mean the OP.
Wow, I would stop talking to someone who did that a lot. That's how 5 year olds handle things, not grown men. I have a feeling some people here are really horrid listeners, and I don't mean the OP.
What?
....Sorry, I wasn't listening.
I shared the story because I thought it was amusing.. it fit with his personality, perfectly. Guess you'd had to have known the guy.. Besides, I don't think we were talking about normal give and take conversation here, I thought this was about people who demanded that other people listen to them, or else..
Seriously, there are occasions when being out and out rude to someone is called for. I once knew a girl that was so self-centered that all she would talk about was herself, and didn't care about anyone else. We was always polite when she was around, but, things just got worse. If people didn't stop everything they were doing just to listen to her then she would throw a tantrum, and occasionally start a fight. One day, she was in one of her moods, and I wasn't having it. I got ticked off, and used my old teachers trick.. it worked, she stopped talking. I let her know right then and there that she was being silly, and that causing fights among friends because of selfish reasons wasn't called for. She got the point.
I have no respect for people that are that selfish on a constant basis.. Conversation is a two way street, as it were. If someone doesn't have enough respect for me to get a word in every now and then, then I don't believe that they really deserve a lot of respect back.
I shared the story because I thought it was amusing.. it fit with his personality, perfectly. Guess you'd had to have known the guy.. Besides, I don't think we were talking about normal give and take conversation here, I thought this was about people who demanded that other people listen to them, or else..
Seriously, there are occasions when being out and out rude to someone is called for. I once knew a girl that was so self-centered that all she would talk about was herself, and didn't care about anyone else. We was always polite when she was around, but, things just got worse. If people didn't stop everything they were doing just to listen to her then she would throw a tantrum, and occasionally start a fight. One day, she was in one of her moods, and I wasn't having it. I got ticked off, and used my old teachers trick.. it worked, she stopped talking. I let her know right then and there that she was being silly, and that causing fights among friends because of selfish reasons wasn't called for. She got the point.
I have no respect for people that are that selfish on a constant basis.. Conversation is a two way street, as it were. If someone doesn't have enough respect for me to get a word in every now and then, then I don't believe that they really deserve a lot of respect back.
Then again, maybe that's just me..
So just ignore the person or take them aside when you two are alone and politely explain how you feel, there's no need to be obnoxious. Being rude back just makes you look as immature as the person you take issue with. It has nothing to do with respect, it's about showing basic manners. Just because someone else's manners aren't up to par doesn't mean you have to stoop down to their level. Look at the OP, she's dealing with a very difficult person here but still wants to be polite. It can be done.
So just ignore the person or take them aside when you two are alone and politely explain how you feel, there's no need to be obnoxious. Being rude back just makes you look as immature as the person you take issue with. It has nothing to do with respect, it's about showing basic manners. Just because someone else's manners aren't up to par doesn't mean you have to stoop down to their level. Look at the OP, she's dealing with a very difficult person here but still wants to be polite. It can be done.
Ya know, I'll just have to disagree with you here - to a point.
So, typically, you're right. If the person is doing what the OP says, then sure, take them aside, explain how you feel without sounding accusatory, and find a common solution. In most cases, the other person is mature enough to understand and will typically work towards a common goal.
But, what do you do with those people who simply just don't care? And further, in their disrespectful behavior, it ends up hurting others around them, then how do you handle that?
Talk to them.. Right. If they haven't listened so far, then what's to think that they are going to ever listen? Usually, I just disengage myself from that person and move on. But, there are circumstances where that person has mutual friends, and simply walking away won't work. I'm sorry, but at some point in time you have to stop playing all nicey, nicey and get down to business. Sometimes, people only understand things when one is on the same level as them - it's unfortunate, but it happens.
So, my point is this: If you've done all that you can do, and still, people are getting hurt by that one persons actions, I think it's perfectly acceptable to turn into that five year old kid - as you say - and slap that person around a little bit.
Trust me, I've read Emily Post's book on manners and etiquette, I try to help everyone out, and I'll sit and listen for hours if someone wants to talk - but I draw the line when there's multiple people getting hurt because of one person. At that point, all good essence of life and attributes of "civilized" behavior go out the window. I'm going to say what I think, and if I'm blunt about it, they can build a bridge and get over it.
In my life I have met two men who were driven batty by my listening or conversational style--like a verbal tennis match, fluid, equal, lots of feedback from both sides, no one sitting there listening for long periods of time without being allowed input. The majority of the men and women in my life also enjoy this kind of conversation. My long-distance sweetheart loves it. It makes our conversations lively and creative. He says I inspire him and that he knows that I am listening to him--deeply. Which I am. I love him.
I am baffled by people who need other people to just sit there and be quiet while they hold forth at length and then become offended if you "interrupt." Someone very important in my life has accused me several times of not listening to him. He doesn't know me well and doesn't seem to understand that verbal feedback is a sign of listening.
What do you think? What do you prefer?
I'm the husband, she talks I listen. I would prefer it if she'd pipe down every now and then and let me get a word in edgewise without her interrupting me.
Wow, I would stop talking to someone who did that a lot. That's how 5 year olds handle things, not grown men. I have a feeling some people here are really horrid listeners, and I don't mean the OP.
Try being in my shoes. The wife just talks and talks and talks and if I talk she interrupts me.
In my life I have met two men who were driven batty by my listening or conversational style--like a verbal tennis match, fluid, equal, lots of feedback from both sides, no one sitting there listening for long periods of time without being allowed input. The majority of the men and women in my life also enjoy this kind of conversation. My long-distance sweetheart loves it. It makes our conversations lively and creative. He says I inspire him and that he knows that I am listening to him--deeply. Which I am. I love him.
I am baffled by people who need other people to just sit there and be quiet while they hold forth at length and then become offended if you "interrupt." Someone very important in my life has accused me several times of not listening to him. He doesn't know me well and doesn't seem to understand that verbal feedback is a sign of listening.
What do you think? What do you prefer?
I agree with you 100%!
I've found that a good bit of such a conflict has to do with one or more person(s) on one side of the conversation being more quick thinking and/or more verbally astute and articulate than the other.
It can be excruciating to sit there while others are gathering their thoughts and slowly expressing them, while you have had 2 or 3 additional complete thoughts.
Again, I think it mostly a matter of articulation. When one has the capability to articulate succinctly, and another doesn't.
In my latter years, I've come to believe it important that couples be of equal articulation. Either that or one party will need the patience of Job!
Thanks. Just needed a reality check, I guess. What I am describing here is healthy banter and/or back and forth chatter.
What do you think is going on the mind of a person who thinks that the listener should just sit there quietly and not speak until the speaker is ready for him/her to speak? Is it just about being domineering or some deep need to be heard?
Personally, I hate it when a listener just sits there and offers no verbal feedback.
I let the other person talk until they are through, then attempt to summarize what they have said to ensure that I've understood them correctly. If I need more information, I ask probing questions to try to get that information. This assumes that there's some sort of question in there that they really need my input on. If it's merely a discussion of current events, it may be something I never formed an opinion on--and don't care about. I'm not a fan of small talk...but if they want to talk to hear themselves talk, that's fine with me--as long as they don't expect much in the way of a response.
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, and I don't mean the OP.
