Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-30-2009, 05:33 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 8,198,673 times
Reputation: 3971

Advertisements

It's the never ending debate - should we have kids?

We are about to to be 7 years into our marriage and I would say that we have a good, solid relationship. We work well together as a team - infuriate each other sometimes , but mostly get on very well.

As I approach 35 (I have a few years to go), the question of whether or not to have kids is becoming more pressing.

I am interested to hear from people how having kids affected their relationship with their partner. Did it bring you even closer together? Did it make things more difficult/ challenging? Drive you apart? Men did you feel like you took second place to the child?

Who do you consider to be the most important person in your life - your spouse or your kids?

This isn't how you feel about your kids.... it's how it changed what you feel about your SO either in a positive or negative sense.

I would love to hear your stories/ thoughts!
Thanks.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-30-2009, 05:54 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,058 posts, read 18,211,140 times
Reputation: 37120
Raising a family is stressful! Especially, if you have a partner who is passive and leaves all the disciplining up to you.. It may end up being a good cop, bad cop scenario-which I can tell you it gets old fast!

Hopefully, you and your chosen mate compliment each other. It will still be hard work, but at least a work together

Sorry Hobo, I haven't gotten much sleep lately, so my mind is a little slow...

It has had a negative affect on our relationship, due to the stress. We don't have much family support though, and you MUST have that to survive it-IMO.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2009, 05:56 PM
 
Location: On the Chesapeake
44,878 posts, read 59,846,876 times
Reputation: 60419
Really no change, or more affection actually, after 28 years and 4 kids. The last was a surprise 13 years ago.
Yes, there are adjustments with kids. You're now responsible for a small life that's totally dependent on you-that tends to focus your attention.
Waking up in the middle of the night with one kid snuggled between you and your spouse and the other laying across your legs at the bottom of the bed-after they sneaked in very quietly- is funny in retrospect.
Santa is fun. Or rather the look on the kid's faces.
Child raising is full of fun, and pain. You try to keep them from making mistakes, but they will, as we did.
It helps if you have similar ideas on the techniques and mechanics of child rearing.
Their milestones, Scouts, school graduations, public recognition (positive) make you proud. As does people coming up, some of whom you don't really know, and they say what great kids you have.

A note for men-the wife breastfeeding is great, no arguments about whose turn it is in the middle of the night.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2009, 06:01 PM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,849 posts, read 9,392,587 times
Reputation: 4021
I don't have kids of my own, but I have 13 nieces and nephews...

I know from my siblings that having kids is horribly hard work, and probably the biggest test you'll even endure in your entire life, but they wouldn't trade being parents for anything I love those kids more than life itself, and so do their parents. I think they can all say they brought their marriages even closer.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2009, 06:05 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 18,483,523 times
Reputation: 4071
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
I am interested to hear from people how having kids affected their relationship with their partner. Did it bring you even closer together? Did it make things more difficult/ challenging? Drive you apart? Men did you feel like you took second place to the child?
Yes to all. In the end, it was worth it.

One thing, you end up being a lot quieter in the bedroom. Don't want the kids to hear you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2009, 08:05 PM
 
3,490 posts, read 8,198,673 times
Reputation: 3971
Quote:
Originally Posted by picklejuice View Post

It has had a negative affect on our relationship, due to the stress. We don't have much family support though, and you MUST have that to survive it-IMO.
This does worry me - we do not have family near by - in fact mine are in a different country. I do think it would be so much easier if we had a (willing to help) grandparent near by!
I think I would like to have a child, but certainly not to the detriment of my primary relationship.

It really is such a difficult decision!

Thanks for your experiences, it's interesting to hear.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2009, 08:48 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 25,575,025 times
Reputation: 24104
I think it all depends on the parenting role. Mine didn`t know how to separate his parent role, from his marriage role!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-31-2009, 02:27 AM
 
Location: Wherever I want to be... ;)
2,536 posts, read 9,899,715 times
Reputation: 1995
I've always wondered this too. My husband and I are very fortunate to have a wonderful marriage, and a near-flawless relationship with each other. We're still in our twenties, so we have time to wait on kids--but I've wondered and worried that having children might put some weird sort of strain on who we are as a couple. Also, I've worried about the fact that kids would mean that my husband & I would have inevitably less time together alone.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-31-2009, 10:07 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 12,623,869 times
Reputation: 9547
Make no mistake about it, having a child is a life changing event. Your life and your marriage will never be the same and will go in directions you never anticipated. You will have less time for each other and the welfare of your child becomes paramount. (You'll also get a lot less sleep than you do now.) My DH and I made sure we had done everything we wanted to do prior to having children, so we wouldn't have regrets or feel we were missing something, and that's worked well for us.

We had our first child when I was 33 and he was 38. Our second child came two years later. We had always wanted children, planned for them, and were well prepared. We were secure in our careers, financially stable, owned our home, and were ready to settle down, so it's been a great experience for us. We really can't imagine our lives without kids - it's been a wonderful and wacky ride.

We're now entering the next phase of parenting - letting go. Our first child just went off to college and it was hard to adjust to the void. Luckily, our DD is still here and we have a little more time before she flies the coop, but we know when she does it'll be difficult. We can't believe how quickly they've grown up. (Childhood is very fleeting, so make sure you treasure each day.) Having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside your body. It's the hardest job you'll ever love. Best wishes!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-31-2009, 11:08 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,932,532 times
Reputation: 46662
HK, time to fish or cut bait.

I wouldn't give up my children for the world, and I certainly don't regret our having them. That being said, you have to sacrifice part of yourself for the joy of children. Your life will be enriched beyond measure, but you will pay a price for it.

Personally, my relationship with my wife is stronger now than even before having kids. We've been through the crucible and have emerged stronger.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top