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Reading another post about behavior (past) predicting future. I think this must be relavent in relatioships. For example, my boyfriend , whom I am trying desperately to work things out with, had communications with another woman. They became inappropriate (in a more than flirty way) after she asked how I was doing and he complained about me. My understanding is he has stopped communication with her , though I figure she can contact him again at any time as he did not directly say not to call anymore, just said he came to realization she wanted him and she is aware she will not get him so he figures she'll go away becasue women go away when they find out they will not get what they want. (hmmmmmm, not that I can believe what he says either, I guess ) Found out about this from his phone. The last communication between them was 9 days prior to when I found messages and call records in the phone so I kind of believe there was no more communication, however I am aware of the delete feature which was used throughout thier text communications. (Not always easy to decipher half of a conversation. His pattern was to delete half the conversation , not all of it.)
Everyone is frustrated with me (except my 2 closest friends) as to why I don't just give up and dump him. I can't answer that without going off on a tangent and Im certain this post is long enough. However, to sum it up, I just need to come to that conclusion on my own. I have come to the realization through the help of this forum and people I talk to offline that if he had inappropriate conversation with another woman once, he will do so in the future. I feel nothing came of those communications (physically) , however, Im thinking he will at some point , regardless of how our relationship is going, (because as it wasn't going well at the time, he did have a legitimate gripe, it was NOT my fault and I didn't deserve to be betrayed , backstabbed like that.) , began highly inappropriate flirtations with another woman and maybe he will prefer this new woman to me. He is a logical guy and I can see how this first woman was not a logical choice for him.
So my question is, is my logic correct here? I mean it all seems very simple (as Im aware I seem as well.) if he did it once, he'll do it again. And the outcome.......will he again choose to stay with me? (messages seem to indicate he blew her off "Ill call you if I can" , that sort of thing.) I suppose that will depend if I am still the logical choice. Is that reasoning correct or is there simply no way to predict within reason how this will go? As always, all feedback is appreciated.
Not trying to change him, just trying to figure the odds on how things will turn out. I am well aware he will continue communications with other women. He texts right in front of me. But at some point, it comes in to complain about the girlfriend and then leads to flirting - Im guessing this will likely happen again, and also thinking unless I am still the logical choice, he may go for it with the other woman the next time. I know my post was long, but this sums up what Im saying. Is my thinking logical? again, I gave him "permission" to continue his friendships with other women. Not trying to change him, trying to accept him. Will it matter if we are getting along and our love life is good , will it help when things do get out of hand communication wise with someone else (as is inevitable, I believe) , or does my trying so hard have no bearing on what he will do when presented with another opportunity?
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
if you think you'll change him, you're wrong.
Last edited by msboom; 11-10-2009 at 03:22 PM..
Reason: spelling
it seems to matter to you now. that won't change.
you may be able to overcome that, but it will be hard work. you will require his co-operation, and understanding.
you have to communicate to each other EXACTLY how you feel, and trust the other person to respond appropriately.
if you are threatened by his behaviour, you have to work at reducing your temptation to overreact, and he has a duty to understand, and modify his behaviour to suit.
eventually, you may be able to trust that they are just friendships, and nothing else.
at the moment, you may be on the rocky road, take careful steps
Quote:
Originally Posted by msboom
Not trying to change him, just trying to figure the odds on how things will turn out. I am well aware he will continue communications with other women. He texts right in front of me. But at some point, it comes in to complain about the girlfriend and then leads to flirting - Im guessing this will likely happen again, and also thinking unless I am still the logical choice, he may go for it with the other woman the next time. I know my post was long, but this sums up what Im saying. Is my thinking logical? again, I gave him "permission" to continue his friendships with other women. Not trying to change him, trying to accept him. Will it matter if we are getting along and our love life is good , will it help when things do get out of hand communication wise with someone else (as is inevitable, I believe) , or does my trying so hard have no bearing on what he will do when presented with another opportunity?
it seems to matter to you now. that won't change.
you may be able to overcome that, but it will be hard work. you will require his co-operation, and understanding.
you have to communicate to each other EXACTLY how you feel, and trust the other person to respond appropriately.
if you are threatened by his behaviour, you have to work at reducing your temptation to overreact, and he has a duty to understand, and modify his behaviour to suit.
eventually, you may be able to trust that they are just friendships, and nothing else.
at the moment, you may be on the rocky road, take careful steps
it means you are rapidly heading towards a waterfall, and you should start paddling pretty soon.
it sounds from all your posts that something is flawed in your relationship. you need to find it, and fix it soon.
if you leave it too long, the situation will be out of control.
you may need to stop worrying about his woman friends. give him some rope, and see if he hangs himself.
i also think perhaps he needs to start thinking with his other head.
Trying this, If he blatently texting, I will ask who it is. If he gets a random text and doesn't look at it, I usually won't say anything. That's what I figured, give him rope, it'll all come out sooner or later. And on the other side, Im not asking annoying , insecure questions because I don't trust his answers. bad, I know , but the first problem in relationship was my insecurity. So no questions is a step in the right direction, even if it's negative thought (like I don't believe the answers so why ask) that creates the positive change. Thank-you for reading my stuff.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
it means you are rapidly heading towards a waterfall, and you should start paddling pretty soon.
it sounds from all your posts that something is flawed in your relationship. you need to find it, and fix it soon.
if you leave it too long, the situation will be out of control.
you may need to stop worrying about his woman friends. give him some rope, and see if he hangs himself.
i also think perhaps he needs to start thinking with his other head.
Trying this, If he blatently texting, I will ask who it is. If he gets a random text and doesn't look at it, I usually won't say anything. That's what I figured, give him rope, it'll all come out sooner or later. And on the other side, Im not asking annoying , insecure questions because I don't trust his answers. bad, I know , but the first problem in relationship was my insecurity. So no questions is a step in the right direction, even if it's negative thought (like I don't believe the answers so why ask) that creates the positive change. Thank-you for reading my stuff.
MSBOOM, I think the root of the problem is based on the fact that he confides about relationship problems (between you and him) with someone else. Unfortunately, this other person he confides to is a woman, more unfortunately, a woman that already has interest in him. I know many women who have interests in men that are already in commitments (marriage or long term relationships), who decide to "act upon their desire of those men", once they find out that these men are having "marital problems", or relationship problems.
You need to sit him down and ask him why on Earth he ever involved someone else about your relationship w/ him. Last time I checked, when you have a problem w/ your spouse/ significant other, aren't you supposed to tell him/ her directly?!?!
He needs to stop complaining about you to others, and he needs to start working WITH you.
he will never change and you should have something better to do then waste your time with him!What are you waiting for?is this not enough?emotionally unfaithfullness is teh same ,so he betrayed you,he cheated on you..what proove do you want more???why should you accept somebody like this,who has absolutely no respect for you?are you a masochist?you enjoy permanently soul pain?then yes,stay in teh relation and look at him,how he enjoys writing and flirting,talking with other women about you.In a good working,healthy relationship,is no room for flirting with other women or talking bad about the gf,no room for that!Just move finally on and finish this chapter.Some women are so squarred to strat new,i would have long left him and find another better man.I do not accept something like this,equal,if i am 20.30.40.50 years old.There is always fish in the ocean!!
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) Found out about this from his phone. The last communication between them was 9 days prior to when I found messages and call records in the phone so I kind of believe there was no more communication, however I am aware of the delete feature which was used throughout thier text communications. (Not always easy to decipher half of a conversation. His pattern was to delete half the conversation , not all of it.) 
