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How do you tell someone who you mean the absolute world to that you are breaking up over the one thing they can't control or fix?!!
By being honest with him. In a way it's the easiest letdown possible for him because at least he'll know it's nothing he did or could have done or it wasn't a personality flaw or anything -- that is, as long as he believes you. Of course, the risk is that he'll think you're a shallow bytch, but if this issue continues to bother you, that's a risk you'll just have to take.
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Originally Posted by SecretlySad
Why has this started to bother me NOW?!!
Because you're growing up and starting to see that fundamental compatability issues such as age really do matter.
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Originally Posted by SecretlySad
How do I make him see that this has nothing to do with the person he is?
You can't make him see it. The best you can do is tell him the truth, and do it convincingly, and hope he believes it. Hopefully, he will.
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Originally Posted by SecretlySad
I feel like I have been hit by a car, suddenly realising there is no long term future for us. Am I just an awful person??
No. Feelings change and love can be a messy thing. Some might say that fretting over age differences is superficial. I agree, if the age gap is maybe a few years. But a 17-year age gap goes to deeper, core compatability issues. It would have been nice if you had recognized that 5 years ago (that goes for both of you), but you are not obligated to keep committing a mistake once you realize it's a mistake.
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Originally Posted by SecretlySad
It's all very romantic to say age is just a number and love is all you need, but just how realistic is it? Is it a head/heart battle?
For some people it's true. For others, it's not. There's no shame in falling in the latter category.
Best of luck to you. I hope you make the right decision.
Oh, and I know your name is "secretly sad", but I really doubt many have sympathy for you. The poor guy is the one who's gonna have the hard time starting over.
That's a risk he took when he decided he wanted a trophy hanging on his arm. I have less sympathy for him; he was old enough to know better.
A man in his late 30s dates 22-year-olds primarily for one reason: to drape a trophy on his arm, whether she knows it or not.
Nobody expects a 22-year-old to have the same wisdom, experience, and clarity of thought as someone their late 30s -- except maybe those who wish to assign blame toward someone for having the horrid audacity to actually adjust her personal affairs based on the wisdom, experience and increased clarity of thought accumulated over the last several years. The logical conclusion is that those people would advocate her personal growth should cease at 22 lest she earn the scorn of judgmental pricks. Me personally, I think it's a better idea that she continue her personal growth.
A man in his late 30s dates 22-year-olds primarily for one reason: to drape a trophy on his arm, whether she knows it or not.
Nobody expects a 22-year-old to have the same wisdom, experience, and clarity of thought as someone their late 30s -- except maybe those who wish to assign blame toward someone for having the horrid audacity to actually adjust her personal affairs based on the wisdom, experience and increased clarity of thought accumulated over the last several years. The logical conclusion is that those people would advocate her personal growth should cease at 22 lest she earn the scorn of judgmental pricks. Me personally, I think it's a better idea that she continue her personal growth.
Isn't that a lot of work to go through to call someone (me) a judgemental prick?
I made some valid points and I would suggest you aquire some new found personal growth and read an entire thread before lashing out with the personal attacks.
Isn't that a lot of work to go through to call someone (me) a judgemental prick?
I made some valid points and I would suggest you aquire some new found personal growth and read an entire thread before lashing out with the personal attacks.
I didn't call you a judgmental prick. But if the shoe fits, be sure to pull the laces tight.
Trust me, Secretly Sad, cut the guy loose now - before you get married or have kids with him. It's a hell of a lot easier to do while you're single and child free than it is when you're married with kids he's fathered. At that point you go through a whole different set of concerns.
Cut it loose now, otherwise it will get cut loose for you. I'm serious as can be. You're about to hit your thirties, that's prime "second wind" time for women (and men too). "Pap" will have little interest in keeping up with you as his plans have changed with age. You'll look for somebody closer to your age to provide a little excitement (like it used to be with "Pap"), he'll find out, all hell will break loose and then what do you have? Nothing, period.
This is a tough one. Props to you, Secretly, for your willingness to confront this conundrum in such an honest way. Many people wouldn't be so fearless. What is ultimately going to make you happy? Only you can answer that question for yourself. Every minute, every moment, a choice. Every choice we make for "this" is a sacrifice of "that". No one gets "this and that" ... the content have made peace with this inescapable fact. The discontent have not. Do you keep him or do you lose him. Either way you win and either way you lose ... it all boils down to your interpretation of your own choices.
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Originally Posted by SecretlySad
My boyfriend of 5 years is 17 years my senior. Me 27. Him 44.
For most of our relationship, this was never a problem, but lately it has started to really bother me. It has nothing to do with our different interests or anything like that and he certainly doesn't act his age (not in an immature way). I have never seen his age before, only the person he is, but over the past few years I have seen groups of my friends getting married - all to people their/my age (give or take maybe 1 or 2 years in between). This has started to really upset me and I dread receiving wedding invitations in the mail.
When we first started dating (I was 21, nearly 22), telling people his age was a huge novelty for me. It made me feel mature. But as the years have gone on I have become almost embarassed by it. I don't show people photos of him and I don't like how we look in photos together. I feel like he looks like my dad - don't even get me started on how creepy sex has started to feel. I don't want to marry him. We have spoken about it and I have told him it is just not a big deal for me when in reality something about marrying him doesn't sit well with me.
I worry a lot about the future too. Sure, it's ok now, but when I am 33, he will be 50. When I am 63, he will be 80. I know all of these things are a lifetime away, but he joked about it on the weekend and it kind of hit home with me. We have always lived in the moment in our relationship and I had never really stopped to think about the long term future. If we haven't had children by the time I am 33, he might be ok with being a 71+ year old father at our child's 21st, but I am not ok with that. He will also retire nearly 20 years before me and when it is time for me to retire, he will be either very old or passed away, leaving me on my own.
I only wish he was 15 or even 10 years younger! He is the perfect man!!!! He treats me like a queen and still tells me he loves me every single day. He puts me first. He trusts me. He allows me all the freedom in the world. He supports me. He doesn't belittle me. I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful... but I can't shake this feeling and I don't know what to do.
How do you tell someone who you mean the absolute world to that you are breaking up over the one thing they can't control or fix?!! Why has this started to bother me NOW?!!
How do I make him see that this has nothing to do with the person he is? I feel like I have been hit by a car, suddenly realising there is no long term future for us. Am I just an awful person??
It's all very romantic to say age is just a number and love is all you need, but just how realistic is it? Is it a head/heart battle?
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