Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-10-2009, 10:09 PM
 
81 posts, read 297,913 times
Reputation: 39

Advertisements

My boyfriend of 5 years is 17 years my senior. Me 27. Him 44.

For most of our relationship, this was never a problem, but lately it has started to really bother me. It has nothing to do with our different interests or anything like that and he certainly doesn't act his age (not in an immature way). I have never seen his age before, only the person he is, but over the past few years I have seen groups of my friends getting married - all to people their/my age (give or take maybe 1 or 2 years in between). This has started to really upset me and I dread receiving wedding invitations in the mail.

When we first started dating (I was 21, nearly 22), telling people his age was a huge novelty for me. It made me feel mature. But as the years have gone on I have become almost embarassed by it. I don't show people photos of him and I don't like how we look in photos together. I feel like he looks like my dad - don't even get me started on how creepy sex has started to feel. I don't want to marry him. We have spoken about it and I have told him it is just not a big deal for me when in reality something about marrying him doesn't sit well with me.

I worry a lot about the future too. Sure, it's ok now, but when I am 33, he will be 50. When I am 63, he will be 80. I know all of these things are a lifetime away, but he joked about it on the weekend and it kind of hit home with me. We have always lived in the moment in our relationship and I had never really stopped to think about the long term future. If we haven't had children by the time I am 33, he might be ok with being a 71+ year old father at our child's 21st, but I am not ok with that. He will also retire nearly 20 years before me and when it is time for me to retire, he will be either very old or passed away, leaving me on my own.

I only wish he was 15 or even 10 years younger! He is the perfect man!!!! He treats me like a queen and still tells me he loves me every single day. He puts me first. He trusts me. He allows me all the freedom in the world. He supports me. He doesn't belittle me. I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful... but I can't shake this feeling and I don't know what to do.

How do you tell someone who you mean the absolute world to that you are breaking up over the one thing they can't control or fix?!! Why has this started to bother me NOW?!!

How do I make him see that this has nothing to do with the person he is? I feel like I have been hit by a car, suddenly realising there is no long term future for us. Am I just an awful person??

It's all very romantic to say age is just a number and love is all you need, but just how realistic is it? Is it a head/heart battle?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-10-2009, 10:20 PM
 
173 posts, read 608,051 times
Reputation: 125
You have to think of your future. Isn't it better to get it of your chest now, Than two years in the future? It seems like you already made up your mind, Now it's just to tell him. Sit down with him and talk about it. I'm sure he is a wonderful person, but the older you two get, the more you will notice this. You're not a cruel or awful person for this, It's a good thing that you bring it up with him. It either means that you can put it to rest and learn to live with it, if that's the path you end up taking. Or that you can let it go, and search for something you wish for.

I'm sure someone will tell you that if he's that great, stay with him as it's rare to find. But it's neither fair to you, nor to him if you feel like you do now and keep it wrapped up. The sooner you get this over with, the better.

The fact that you are embarassed about the photos, or the sex is starting to feel creepy. Should point out that this dosn't work now, and as the age gap will be more visible in the future, it's not going to start working any better.

Another thing is that you're not married to him, nor do you two have any children (?) . So you should cut it of now, before that happens. Or you will be facing much frustration, pain and grief.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best. And in this position (Having no children) Follow your own feelings, And go from there.

Good luck
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2009, 10:41 PM
 
3,284 posts, read 3,508,824 times
Reputation: 1832
Yeah you break up with him. What's with all the questions? Just end it so the old guy can move on...jeez

Oh, and I know your name is "secretly sad", but I really doubt many have sympathy for you. The poor guy is the one who's gonna have the hard time starting over.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2009, 10:48 PM
 
173 posts, read 608,051 times
Reputation: 125
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jays1983 View Post
Yeah you break up with him. What's with all the questions? Just end it so the old guy can move on...jeez

Oh, and I know your name is "secretly sad", but I really doubt many have sympathy for you. The poor guy is the one who's gonna have the hard time starting over.

She's making the right choise, so there is no need to be harsh / Rude to her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2009, 10:53 PM
 
3,284 posts, read 3,508,824 times
Reputation: 1832
Quote:
Originally Posted by I Amuse Myself View Post
She's making the right choise, so there is no need to be harsh / Rude to her.
Oh, I am so sorry.....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2009, 10:57 PM
 
81 posts, read 297,913 times
Reputation: 39
Thank you I Amuse Myself.There is absolutely no need to speak to me like that. I have come on here because I wanted to express my feelings. I deeply love and care for this man and I am trying to figure out if I am doing the right thing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2009, 11:08 PM
 
3,284 posts, read 3,508,824 times
Reputation: 1832
Quote:
Originally Posted by I Amuse Myself View Post
\


She didn't say she didn't WANT him. She said he was a wonderful person, but she was worried about the future. Which she should be in her position. It's not about her not liking him. It's her thinking about her future. And no matter how great he is, it's still a big gap. I would leave, for both of their sake. Sadly i have a feeling it would only go downhill from here if they kept together.
She doesn't want a guy 17 years her senior = She doesn't want HIM.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2009, 11:10 PM
 
173 posts, read 608,051 times
Reputation: 125
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jays1983 View Post
She doesn't want a guy 17 years her senior = She doesn't want HIM.
I'm not going to argue about this. Just try to keep back on the harsh words, it's neither going to help you nor her. But if you don't wish to do that, then that's your choise. I'm not going to argue for the sake of arguing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2009, 11:11 PM
 
81 posts, read 297,913 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by I Amuse Myself View Post
You can't live your life based around others. No matter how much it might hurt someone else. It's your life to live and you have to do the best you can with it. If you had children, it would have been another thing. But right now, It's your life to live. Not to mention from what i read so far, the choise is already made. You just have to get the boulder moving, Hopefully he will understand you. But if not, You still have to follow your own path. The worst thing you could do to him would be to stay with him because you pity him, or feel bad about moving. Be honest, and see where it leads you.



[Edited]:



She didn't say she didn't WANT him. She said he was a wonderful person, but she was worried about the future. Which she should be in her position. It's not about her not liking him. It's her thinking about her future. And no matter how great he is, it's still a big gap. I would leave, for both of their sake. Sadly i have a feeling it would only go downhill from here if they kept together.
You're right. I have spent my whole life living it for others and always putting myself last.

Exactly, I never said I didn't want him - did you read any of my post Jays?? My one wish in this world would be for him to be 10 years younger. I would be the happiest person alive. When I was 21, 22, 23 the long term future was the furthest thing from my mind, but now I find myself less than 3 years shy of 30 and I am beginning to think more about things rather than living "in the moment" as I have been all this time.

I just picture myself becoming resentful - I even feel a little resentful now I am ashamed to admit. But later in life when e.g. he is retired and I have to continue working for nearly 20 years after, I am not going to be too pleased.

Thanks for listening.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-10-2009, 11:14 PM
 
173 posts, read 608,051 times
Reputation: 125
You're most welcome Secretlysad, and i hope it works out for you! Feel free to poke if you're wondering something, or update how it went. Otherwise it's well enough time for you to start thinking about yourself, and live YOUR life!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top