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Well you took the plunge, its that simple. I'm not sure what state y'all are living in, but even if her ex is in the pokey, you can still get child support.
My bet is that she simply doesn't want him to know where she is, or have anything to do with the children. Child support = visitation unless he did something terrible and had his parental rights revoked.
Plain and simply, it sounds like you need to educate yourself on the laws of child support in the area, and then inform your wife. Perhaps she just didn't know, I'm not sure.
Here is the thing. It's normal to fantisize about "what might have been" and having fun, traveling the world, etc. but the truth is that most people never actually do that kind of stuff. Life usually forces us to leave fantasy behind and deal with reality, and unless you are independently wealthy you will always have to work for money and have precious little time to do the things you think you are missing out on. Try to determine what you would REALLY do if you were single again. If it's going to be hanging out at the local bar on Fri/Sat nights and hoping you can hook up with one of the drunk girls you meet there...then you have probably done yourself a huge favor by getting serious at a young age.
Thank you to everyone who's taken the time out to give me their opinions. Whether they were for or against me staying in this relationship, I appreciate them.
I hope to make a decision on what to do over the next few days. If possible, it would really help a lot if someone who is currently around my age and has young step-kids could throw their views into the thread too.
It's never easy taking life-altering decisions, but whatever I do..hopefully it will be for the best.
To be honest, your situation isn't any different than anyone else who got married and had kids at a young age.
I'm 23, and have a 1 year old boy. 2 years ago I had no idea what I was in for. Hell, when my wife was in the hospital giving birth, I STILL had no idea what I was in for. Do I think about where I'd be today if I'd stayed single? Of course I do. If I could go back, would I change it? Not a chance. Sure it could be fun, but I've learned more and grown more over the last year than the rest of my life combined.
If my advice were worth anything, I'd tell you to stick with it. I guarantee those kids will teach you more about yourself than you'd think possible. Hell, you might even decide someday that you enjoy the modest family life.
It's probably quite different if they're your kids.
Before I reply to any of the other messages on the thread, if anything did happen and I were to leave, she would be able to once again qualify for government assistance.
I also realize that there would be an emotional impact on the kids, but this is just one of many reasons why I am trying to work through our issues now as opposed to later on when it would be even more difficult on them.
I'd love to be able to figure out what would make everyone happy in this situation (including them, and me)..
I think you need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with your wife. To me it sounds like she's the one making all the decisions and that is part of the problem. They're HER kids, she decides it is SHE who will be a stay at home mother to them and YOU are the paycheck that replaces her need for a welfare check.
That's not a marriage and if she wants to make it work, she needs to compromise some -- and marriage was also a decision she made. Maybe she should work to contribute financially, or does she prefer living on welfare where nothing is expected of her? You have to feel like a parent if you're going to have to give up things you like and support those kids. Otherwise you'll resent this pre-made family more and more as time goes on.
I think now is the time for you to lay all your cards on the table and work it out with her. Figure out what it takes to have some time as a couple and that you have a helpmate not a welfare queen for wife. Also - if you plan to have kids of your own, at least you can become adjusted to family life.
Before I start, here's some background info: I'm a 23 year old guy. I've graduated from college, have a bachelors and masters degrees and before I got married..had some pretty good career prospects.. My wife is 25, graduated from highschool and was pregnant with two kids from a previous relationship before she was 23.
3 yeas ago I started dating a rather nice single mom online (her), did the whole long distance thing for a while and when I thought that I'd found the girl of my dreams, married her at the end of last year, kids and everything.
Before I got married, we previously only got to spend a few months of "real" time together and I hadn't fully grasped just how much of our time and my finances would revolve around the kids - as expected, we rarely get to do that much outside the house together, so dates, travel etc. are out of the window until she's ready for us to get a babysitter. It's stressful to say the least.
On the finance front, Their bio-dad is most likely in jail somewhere (according to my wife) and has never provided any assistance or child support.
This has meant that for much of the time I've been dating my wife, most of my paychecks have been helping her get through the bills, buy diapers, pay for clothes etc. I originally didn't mind but it can leave you out of pocket which sucks. She works as well, but a lot of the time, I contribute towards the majority of the bills.
It's at the 11 month mark in our marriage now and..selfish as it sounds.. I'm really starting to miss the idea of quiet time...getting to travel..getting to open up my own business or focus on my career..getting to hang out with friends and family...basically, getting to do anything that us adults would consider basic "fun". I wish I could do these with my wife, but with kids in tow and finances being the way they probably will be over the next few years..I don't know if its going to happen.
As a mom, my wife is more interested in family activities outside the house on the very few occasions we do have days off (or just sleeping) and this leaves us with barely any time to do things together as a couple. I COMPLETELY understand that the kids come first and we do need to do things as a family..but she doesn't seem to see how important doing things as a couple are. I'm also concerned that she has this self-decided view that until the kids are well into their teens, I will be the only one working while she will be in charge of bringing the kids up.
I love my wife..but I feel like if I stay..everything..both all my finances and my time are going to be spent on her and the kids over the next few years and I'll lose my chances for a business and career that could be successful (damn..i really feel selfish saying all this).
Don't get me wrong, whether it's foolish youthful thinking or the truth, I think my wife is the one, but I'm having a HARD time deciding whether at my age..love and all these sacrifices for her kids are enough to throw away the other opportunities I could have in life.
If you guys were in my situation, what would you do?
Hi orbital,
Its a sex free for all environment. Women can make it with the bad boys and then find a naive` provider type to clean up the mess. Then there is always the nanny state. Hot sex for everyone but you. If I had kids, I'd find someone with kids. I would not get into it in the first place. Also, the kids don't come first. What a bunch of nonsense one hears all the time. Everyone's needs ought to be addressed. Is it better to sacrifice two days a month building your relationship, or is it better you just up and leave entirely?
Some further information: My wife does actually work a 9-7 job but because her education didn't go past high-school, the income she gets from that work is relatively low, which is why my paychecks go into paying for everything she cannot (many of the bills, outings with kids, clothing, food etc).
I work remotely for a Software company, so although I make more money than she does, during the day I'm the one that's at home looking after her young kids while I work. I've tried talking to her about the importance of us getting a nanny or a babysitter in to relieve me of some of the stresses this situation brings about, but she doesn't seem positive about the idea. I may have already mentioned, but in her view she sees herself as more than entitled to stay at home raising her kids once her job is over. (I'm not entirely comfortable with this idea...it's the 21st century and many couples juggle careers with kids in-tow and they do just fine. It almost feels like she's using me).
Before we moved in together, I was a kind, loving, open kind of guy, but being with her and her kids and seeing just how much almost everything really does revolve around them (understandably..but what she and I do together without the kids is almost non-existant), I feel like a) This relationship over the next 15 years is just going to be about providing for the kids and it doesn't matter what I want..that's just how it has to be, b) She will always put what she wants for herself and the kids ahead of me - I say this, because I actually used to have a pretty good job in London before she and I got married. Before that she'd agreed to move over there (where I planned a balanced life for us between kids and getting to do things together) but a week after we got hitched she "changed her mind" because she wanted to be closer to her friends.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the one that has to keep making sacrifices....I had to give up MY friends and family, my career, my life..move to HER country..and for what? to just be her financial and emotional support system?...surely in a good marriage both people sacrifice equally, right?...
Yes, you do sound selfish. You knew darn well what you were getting into BEFORE you got married, and you did it anyway.
Now almost a year later you're having second thoughts are apparently willing to destroy other peoples lives in order to be "free"
Suck it up, talk to your wife about spending time together as a couple, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how fulfilling your life may become.
Do you even love the children
I almost married a guy with two kids from a previous marriage and I felt like those kids were blessings, not burdens, and I would have loved to be a step-mom to them. I guess I just view parenthood differently than you do
Yes, you do sound selfish. You knew darn well what you were getting into BEFORE you got married, and you did it anyway.
Now almost a year later you're having second thoughts are apparently willing to destroy other peoples lives in order to be "free"
Suck it up, talk to your wife about spending time together as a couple, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how fulfilling your life may become.
Do you even love the children
I almost married a guy with two kids from a previous marriage and I felt like those kids were blessings, not burdens, and I would have loved to be a step-mom to them. I guess I just view parenthood differently than you do
I appreciate your comment, but I'm sorry... until every free moment of your day is occupied with screaming, obstinate, demanding toddlers WHILE you're trying to get your work done ..AND..your partner doesn't help out with it greatly whether they are at home or not...you have no idea how I feel. I'm sorry for saying that, but it's true.
Women have this melancholy view of me being in a situation where I'm blessed to have step-kids and a wife, but sadly you're not looking any deeper into what I'm saying are the causes of my frustration..and why I worry the future isn't going to be as blissful as you're making it out to be.
Before I even began trying to seek advice online about this issue, I *did* try talking to my wife. She more or less ignored the points I was making.
Some further information: My wife does actually work a 9-7 job but because her education didn't go past high-school, the income she gets from that work is relatively low, which is why my paychecks go into paying for everything she cannot (many of the bills, outings with kids, clothing, food etc).
I work remotely for a Software company, so although I make more money than she does, during the day I'm the one that's at home looking after her young kids while I work. I've tried talking to her about the importance of us getting a nanny or a babysitter in to relieve me of some of the stresses this situation brings about, but she doesn't seem positive about the idea. I may have already mentioned, but in her view she sees herself as more than entitled to stay at home raising her kids once her job is over. (I'm not entirely comfortable with this idea...it's the 21st century and many couples juggle careers with kids in-tow and they do just fine. It almost feels like she's using me).
Before we moved in together, I was a kind, loving, open kind of guy, but being with her and her kids and seeing just how much almost everything really does revolve around them (understandably..but what she and I do together without the kids is almost non-existant), I feel like a) This relationship over the next 15 years is just going to be about providing for the kids and it doesn't matter what I want..that's just how it has to be, b) She will always put what she wants for herself and the kids ahead of me - I say this, because I actually used to have a pretty good job in London before she and I got married. Before that she'd agreed to move over there (where I planned a balanced life for us between kids and getting to do things together) but a week after we got hitched she "changed her mind" because she wanted to be closer to her friends.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the one that has to keep making sacrifices....I had to give up MY friends and family, my career, my life..move to HER country..and for what? to just be her financial and emotional support system?...surely in a good marriage both people sacrifice equally, right?...
Hi orbital,
Its not surprising than many women expect you to keep a promise to maintain something you never had anything to do with. That's the base form of the female fantasy akin to the base form of male cad who gets high fives for doing another babe. Marry the accountant and cuckold him with the construction worker. What amazes me is you walked into it. Did she marry this first guy? Why doesn't she stick with the jail bird she opened her legs for? Where is her loyalty no matter what? That is what conjugal visits are for. I did travel around the world a bit. Because of 11 years of celibacy before marriage, I did not worry about STDs, pregnancy and have the moral authority to tell women who want to sleep with the hot bad boy to tell them that you get what you get. Even before I was wise enough to keep it in my pants with the stupidity of youth, it was with LTRs that I would have stood behind. I thought marriage was in the cards with one of them.
Get out. She should go back to the father of her children. Having a man's children is more than a piece of paper. In a few years, you'll be boucing off the wall happy you did. Don't worry, people who sat it out and waited until marriage like me will continue to subsidize the orgy that modern society is.
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