Ewww! How do you handle this??? (jealous, divorced, friend, partner)

[WheredoIlive?]

Originally Posted by teatime

I recently met the spouse of a colleague. I was SHOCKED!!! He is fat, had bad skin and an ugly face there is no way I'd want to wake up to every morning, and he was unpleasant and coarse, to boot! The colleague is attractive, nice, and really a good person. I know she's a devoted Christian, so I'm sure that's part of the equation but I'm wondering...

How on EARTH do you remain committed when your spouse has turned into a fat, unpleasant troll??? I'm not totally superficial, LOL. I've actually fallen for homely guys at times because they had absolutely wonderful qualities. But, to me, when someone lets himself or herself get obese, that shows a lack of self-respect and respect for one's partner, too. I can overlook a lot of things if the person is kind and talented, but obesity is something I can't abide.

What's up with this and what do y'all do about it?

Some people do get fat from health problems. They are rarer but they are out there. He could be on prednisone or have some type of endocrine disease. The bad skin could even be a sympton. Maybe he is nice to her. If he isnt then that is a different equation.

You have to know the full story here. Please do not lump all fat peopl;e in one category either. he could be ill. She could have married him when he was thin.

[OngletNYC]

Why the guy is fat is irrelevant to the thread, which asks how her colleague can remain committed to someone teatime finds to be fat and ugly. At the end of the day, teatime, you are entitled to your personal tastes. (Personally, I am not attracted to overweight men either.) However, you do not get to dictate the tastes of other people, nor must people justify their tastes to you.

I don't know what you look like, but I guarantee you this: some people look at you and find you attractive, and others look at you and find you repulsive. So it goes for us all. Its the mutual respect for each others tastes which prevents us all from being alone.

[teatime]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

Why the guy is fat is irrelevant to the thread, which asks how her colleague can remain committed to someone teatime finds to be fat and ugly. At the end of the day, teatime, you are entitled to your personal tastes. (Personally, I am not attracted to overweight men either.) However, you do not get to dictate the tastes of other people, nor must people justify their tastes to you.

I don't know what you look like, but I guarantee you this: some people look at you and find you attractive, and others look at you and find you repulsive. So it goes for us all. Its the mutual respect for each others tastes which prevents us all from being alone.

Uh, I never said I was concerned about HER or that I felt ANY need to give her advice. I haven't and won't say a word about it to her. Those who keep insisting that are simply reading what they want to read. I was using her situation as an EXAMPLE.

My question was and REMAINS, if it happens to you, how do you deal with it? Very, very few people have answered that question. I'm at an age now that when I date -- I never date anyone younger than myself -- I could be dealing with this issue. And, as I wrote previously, if I love someone, I'd want them to take care of themselves -- for their own sake as well as for mine. As far as relationships go, I cannot be sexually attracted to someone who is obese. That's simply being honest.

But the consensus here seems to be that you just accept the obesity and, if you don't, then you're shallow. Fine, whatever. But if I'm in a relationship and care, then I WOULD want to do something about it.

I've seen a LOT of posts from men whining about how their wife gained a bunch of weight, isn't attractive anymore, lost her sex drive, etc. and the other men all commiserate. Oh, but if a man becomes obese, then we women just have to accept it? If some can and do, good for them. But I'm one who can't -- I wouldn't kick him to the curb because of it immediately but I probably would if he didn't take my concerns seriously and let me help him.

So, if I experience this situation, then I'm a horrible person if I can't accept the obesity and I shouldn't try to help him change? OK, that's your opinion. Btw, I've tried to help female friends who have gained lots of weight and complain about it, too. I guess I should just support them in their obesity? I can't. It's not healthy for them and I've found that underneath their weight gain lies depression and dissatisfaction. But I should just be PC and turn my back? No can do.

But there was absolutely no need to make crazy speculations about my life and turn utterly CRUEL to me. I didn't say ONE WORD to this guy or his wife, nor would I ever consider telling her my impressions of him, even if she asked. But a mob here still felt empowered to attack me very personally.

[teatime]

Forgot to state that I'm not going to respond to any more attacks. The person who viciously attacked me over my "former" SO who died added the last straw. It's gone WAY over the top now.

[nat_at772]

Originally Posted by teatime

Actually, I am 44. And I am committed to a proper diet and exercise so I do NOT get middle-aged spread and can be healthy -- for myself, for my son and for any future grandchildren.

I'm sorry, but a person who allows himself or herself to become obese has problems -- particularly a lack of self-respect. And if, in the future, I live with someone, I will love him enough to want him to be healthy and I will HELP HIM maintain a proper weight and be the best he can be.

Those of you who are saying "who cares" are basically saying you don't care if your SO gets heart disease, suffers a stroke, and dies earlier than he or she should. Good on THAT?! Whatever!

If people really enjoyed being obese and ugly, then why on Earth are diet schemes and all sorts of cosmetics big business? People allow themselves to get huge for a variety of bad reasons and they need HELP.

LOL teatime I'm sorry but I have a hard time believing you're 44 if you're going on about non-issues like this; if I recall there was another thread you created because it bothered you that your married friend took her mother on her vacations...why are you so concerned about what others are doing?

And you didn't create this thread because you are concerned that her husband might have heart diease, suffer a stroke or die earlier than your coworker...you created because you were surprised that a nice looking woman would have an unattractive husband.

[teatime]

Originally Posted by natalayjones

LOL teatime I'm sorry but I have a hard time believing you're 44 if you're going on about non-issues like this; if I recall there was another thread you created because it bothered you that your married friend took her mother on her vacations...why are you so concerned about what others are doing?

And you didn't create this thread because you are concerned that her husband might have heart diease, suffer a stroke or die earlier than your coworker...you created because you were surprised that a nice looking woman would have an unattractive husband.

You're absolutely right -- I DON'T CARE if this woman's husband has a heart attack. I mean, I would because she's a nice person and it would be difficult for her but that's their potential problem, not mine.

But I DO care about the ISSUE involved. Because of health problems and the loss of my SO, I haven't dated in a while and it's HARD to jump back into it when you're in your 40s, as I AM. It's not all about "hotties" and how many orgasms you can have and baby daddies, believe it or not. At my age, different issues emerge and health is a BIG one.

I'm trying to navigate these issues and decide what I can handle. I'm attractive and as fit as I can be but I've got a serious illness. So, can I handle being in an LTR with someone who won't take care of himself? Can I handle the family issues he brings along? My immediate family is all gone now so that's not an issue on my end.

And the SOLE reason I haven't dated recently is because I don't want to inflict my own health issues onto someone else. I've been asked out and pursued quite a bit because, on the outside, you can't tell I've got a bad disease. But I've kept out of relationships until I got my health issues under control because I refuse to burden someone else.

If I love someone, I want to do for him, help him and be there for him. But I need someone who does his part, too, as I do whatever I can to improve my own health situation and remain attractive. But if I fell in love with someone who later decided that he had me so he didn't have to take care of himself anymore, I'd potentially be stuck in a bad situation. I'm not physically strong enough to be a caregiver for a man who suffered a stroke or massive heart attack. My life would literally be at risk from the physical strain.

One of my friends told me that at our age, many men are looking for caregivers, not life partners. That scares me.

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by teatime

Uh, I never said I was concerned about HER or that I felt ANY need to give her advice. I haven't and won't say a word about it to her. Those who keep insisting that are simply reading what they want to read. I was using her situation as an EXAMPLE.

My question was and REMAINS, if it happens to you, how do you deal with it? Very, very few people have answered that question. I'm at an age now that when I date -- I never date anyone younger than myself -- I could be dealing with this issue. And, as I wrote previously, if I love someone, I'd want them to take care of themselves -- for their own sake as well as for mine. As far as relationships go, I cannot be sexually attracted to someone who is obese. That's simply being honest.

But the consensus here seems to be that you just accept the obesity and, if you don't, then you're shallow. Fine, whatever. But if I'm in a relationship and care, then I WOULD want to do something about it.

I've seen a LOT of posts from men whining about how their wife gained a bunch of weight, isn't attractive anymore, lost her sex drive, etc. and the other men all commiserate. Oh, but if a man becomes obese, then we women just have to accept it? If some can and do, good for them. But I'm one who can't -- I wouldn't kick him to the curb because of it immediately but I probably would if he didn't take my concerns seriously and let me help him.

So, if I experience this situation, then I'm a horrible person if I can't accept the obesity and I shouldn't try to help him change? OK, that's your opinion. Btw, I've tried to help female friends who have gained lots of weight and complain about it, too. I guess I should just support them in their obesity? I can't. It's not healthy for them and I've found that underneath their weight gain lies depression and dissatisfaction. But I should just be PC and turn my back? No can do.

But there was absolutely no need to make crazy speculations about my life and turn utterly CRUEL to me. I didn't say ONE WORD to this guy or his wife, nor would I ever consider telling her my impressions of him, even if she asked. But a mob here still felt empowered to attack me very personally.

Now, you are now trying to shift your meaning behind this thread. None of what you are saying now is in your opening post. I don't blame you for shifting it, but at least have the decency of admitting how misguided you were to pose the original question.

And furthermore, you have forfeited the right to complain about personal attacks (I have not attacked you personally nor have I speculated about your personal life) when you opened this thread with an attack on someone else.

You didn't ask, "How do you remain committed to a person who has gained a lot of weight over time?" That's a reasonable, legit question.

Here is what you asked:

How on EARTH do you remain committed when your spouse has turned into a fat, unpleasant troll???

That was a bit of mean spirited name-calling. And that was the point of this thread, to ridicule someone else's choice of a man. As I said before, for all you know the man may have been fat the day she met him and in fact hasn't turned into anything!

It isn't your place to decide the man is a "troll" because you don't like his looks. Just live your own life and let your colleague and her husband live theirs.

[TKramar]

Men have posted here saying that they'd have no problems with it, as well. Or if she got really skinny, or if she lost her hair. What about if your SO has a masectomy--should a man just get rid of her? No. If she's important to you, you stay with her regardless of her health--unless you're one of those shallow types that want your SO to run all over God's creation with you, instead of enjoying being in her company, just the two of you alone, in the house.

You could talk about any number of things.

[teatime]

To "Onglet":
Typically, you "overlooked" the rest of the quote from my OP:

I've actually fallen for homely guys at times because they had absolutely wonderful qualities. But, to me, when someone lets himself or herself get obese, that shows a lack of self-respect and respect for one's partner, too. I can overlook a lot of things if the person is kind and talented, but obesity is something I can't abide

And then I ask how one handles it.

You and your ilk reacted only to my shock and probably didn't even bother to read the rest. You have your own reasons for that, whatever they might be.

I haven't deviated -- it all comes from self-respect, or lack thereof. The only thing I have to be "sorry" about is that I didn't write a huge thesis about how a lack of self-esteem is related to not caring about one's appearance and health. But did you REALLY need someone to connect the dots for you? It's all the same issue.

[TKramar]

Then his wife or SO should stop feeding him so well.

I put on weight every time I get into a relationship. Maybe not to the point of obesity, but I do gain another 10 to 20 pounds. Then, when the relationship is over, I lose it again. Eating my own cooking again.