Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I again call you out on the double standard. Not once have you spoken to both sides of the coin. What about YOUR ex's? Does your husband know about and communicate with YOUR ex's? Are YOUR ex's "VERY close friends" with your husband? Do they go hunting together? Do you all go out together and talk and chat? Or have there been instances when you've met an ex, out and about or whatever, when your husband wasn't around? Would you want him nagging you about it? Probably not, because it's none of his business; you weren't doing anything wrong.
I say it again: As a female, if all you do is sit around worrying about what your guy might be doing with his ex-girlfriend, the relationship wasn't solid enough to begin with. If you can't trust him to keep his tongue clean, you probably shouldn't be with him in the first place. So he wants to meet her privately - SO WHAT? So he doesn't tell you - SO WHAT? So he's communicating with her without telling you what's being said - SO WHAT?
You can be mad about being lied to, in general. That's acceptable. But please don't sit here and claim that if a man is going out with the ex he's automatically cheating and therefore in the wrong; likewise, don't claim that females aren't guilty of the same behavior.
My advice to OP is simple: sit back and relax. Talk to him about it when he gets it out of his system. Don't press him, don't nag him, don't pester him, don't heckle him. Just let things be until he contacts you. Then calmly ask him what the deal is. If he's evasive about it, express concern that things aren't what they seem. If he's upfront let him know it bothers you. Point is, do nothing until it's out of his system. There's a reason it's his "ex".
What "DOUBLE STANDARD"? Where do you get the idea that I run around with ANY ex-boyfriend, let alone keep it from my husband???
Newsflash, I don't! Not only would I never dream of doing such a thing, but every single aspect of my life is an open book to my husband. Our emails are both directed to the same inbox. He can see my Facebook account any time he feels like it. If an ex-boyfriend got in touch with me, I'd tell him. And if I felt any compunction to get together, I'd make it clear to the ex that any plans would have to include my husband, or not happen at all.
And I don't have to sit around worrying about who my husband meets or chats with, because he has proven to me by his honorable actions that he can be trusted not to do anything that would potentially hurt me. And that's because he cares more about me than any of his exes! The OP's boyfriend has proven to her that he doesn't.
Last edited by yankeegirl313; 11-29-2009 at 04:50 PM..
Reason: Personal attack
The way I see it is, it doesn't matter whether he or she is the "guilty" party in this scenario.
Something happened in their relationship which has caused her distress, angst and possibly emotional pain. His response was to act like her distress doesn't matter one bit, rather than helping her through it. There are many ways he could have handled the situation to make her feel more comfortable, but he didn't do anything, because her distress just doesn't matter to him. Maybe he never had any bad intentions to begin with... but still he's just not a very nice guy, and still he doesn't care about your feelings. Your feelings count to people who really love you, even if your feelings aren't easily justified. If he didn't care about her feelings in this situation, what's it going to take? It will never get better.
The way I see it is, it doesn't matter whether he or she is the "guilty" party in this scenario.
Something happened in their relationship which has caused her distress, angst and possibly emotional pain. His response was to act like her distress doesn't matter one bit, rather than helping her through it. There are many ways he could have handled the situation to make her feel more comfortable, but he didn't do anything, because her distress just doesn't matter to him. Maybe he never had any bad intentions to begin with... but still he's just not a very nice guy, and still he doesn't care about your feelings. Your feelings count to people who really love you, even if your feelings aren't easily justified. If he didn't care about her feelings in this situation, what's it going to take? It will never get better.
Well maybe he didn't make a big deal about her worries because he didn't want to make a big deal about nothing.
And you're right, maybe this guy isn't the right one to be her boyfriend. Maybe she'd be happier with a man that was more sensitive to her needs. Otherwise, if a person isn't sensitive enough, there's no way to change them to be better at it. People are who they are.
She doesn't own her boyfriend. And as long as he isn't planning to romance or sex this ex up that night, there shouldn't be a problem with him having a simple dinner with her. There is no need for maddog1 to turn a perfectly innocent situation into one of drama and potential soap opera. AND... it makes her boyfriend seem potentially p*ssywhipped to me and probably his ex.
And what disrespect is he showing by wanting to spend dinner with his ex without maddog1? If anything, she is disrespecting his feelings and turning a simple dinner with an ex and her son into some power play and tug o' war between the women in his life.
And so far, it seems that the boyfriend and his ex broke up in a mature adult drama-free fashion. Why would maddog1 want to complicate matters by throwing her jealous feelings into the mix? And if she continues to pull this type of crap with her boyfriend, he's not going to want to stay in the relationship, let alone want to eventually marry her. Most guys aren't attracted to controlling b*tches, so maddog1 should just back off from her request and take the same night to go out with her girlfriends.
I feel that it's not disrespecting maddog1 because the ex is his past. Disrespectful behaviour would be him cheating on maddog1 with his ex or other woman.
I agree with MIU on this one. I swear it is redneck girls that just don't have much to do and need to be making drama like this. Just get over it for goodness sakes
My post came up wrong for some reason. It was not "me" but a part of me...somehow got edited..anyway.. I don't want my current talking to his ex about those things. You want someone talking to your girl about those types of things? Please....people don't turn evil because someone treats them as evil. They just are evil and the outside person noticed all the little things that add up to the part where they act on who they really are. So if a person does not go with your grain its not going to work out anyway. Do you say we should all throw away what matters to us and just accept whatever to stay in a relationship? Because I don't think so.
Therein is the problem. It's not "your" grain that needs to be followed. Everyone follows their own path, and it's up to you to decide whether or not you're ok with the path a person has chosen to follow - NOT to conform them to YOUR path. The world does not spin around you.
I'll say it again: talk is cheap. It means nothing. Actions are what you should be worried about, but if they haven't DONE anything improper (i.e. touchy feely), who cares what they talk about? It's just words. Insecure types let words get to them. I've got a bit more snake skin on me...she can talk to whoever she wants about whatever she wants, because it's her right to do so, and vice versa with me. Now if I find out she's been a little too hand-and-finger friendly with a guy, ex or not...that's when I'll have a problem.
Hello all. I am flattered and grateful that there have been so many responses. thank-you. To clarify a little, I feel as though I came to the relationship with some issues. He probably did , too, however, I admit mine seem to be worse. We have had our ups and downs and the newness has worn off.
He does do inappropriate things from time to time but can be trusted not to cross the line. Though, of course, this doesn't help the situation. He didn't want me to make a big deal about the ex and I did after I asked he not see her alone and he put her wishes ahead of mine. Then the big grin was just too much to bear. Regardless of what issues I have, this has been wrong on his part., insensitive, uncaring. Perhaps this is the state of our relationship due to my controlling behavior? Not to blame myself, but the only one I can change is me so that is who I need to focus on.
Jill, I agree with you on many things and sincerely hope to find what you have found one day. I appreciate all who advise. I think bottom line, actions speak lounder than words. I will make an effort to let him off the leash as Miu suggested and let his actions speak in response to his new "freedom".
Hello all. I am flattered and grateful that there have been so many responses. thank-you. To clarify a little, I feel as though I came to the relationship with some issues. He probably did , too, however, I admit mine seem to be worse. We have had our ups and downs and the newness has worn off.
He does do inappropriate things from time to time but can be trusted not to cross the line. Though, of course, this doesn't help the situation. He didn't want me to make a big deal about the ex and I did after I asked he not see her alone and he put her wishes ahead of mine. Then the big grin was just too much to bear. Regardless of what issues I have, this has been wrong on his part., insensitive, uncaring. Perhaps this is the state of our relationship due to my controlling behavior? Not to blame myself, but the only one I can change is me so that is who I need to focus on.
Jill, I agree with you on many things and sincerely hope to find what you have found one day. I appreciate all who advise. I think bottom line, actions speak lounder than words. I will make an effort to let him off the leash as Miu suggested and let his actions speak in response to his new "freedom".
Exactly.
Don't worry about what he's doing, at least not right now. Let him get it all out of his system, because I assure you it will happen. Don't pursue him; let him contact if you if he's going to. Let HIM show you how he feels. Don't assume anything. Meanwhile, sit back and focus on you. If it's not meant to happen then it isn't. I'm willing to bet though that his meeting was benign and not worth the stress you're putting on yourself.
I'm willing to bet though that his meeting was benign and not worth the stress you're putting on yourself.
There's nothing benign about being talked about behind your back with an ex-girlfriend, on a private date that specifically and intentionally excluded you, despite your clearly stated wishes. It's just plain rude.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddog1
Jill, I agree with you on many things and sincerely hope to find what you have found one day.
I assure you that if you don't settle for less than what you're worth, you absolutely will. Keep your sights and your standards high, and the right man who meets them will sweep you off your feet. Best to you, dear!
Therein is the problem. It's not "your" grain that needs to be followed. Everyone follows their own path, and it's up to you to decide whether or not you're ok with the path a person has chosen to follow - NOT to conform them to YOUR path. The world does not spin around you.
I'll say it again: talk is cheap. It means nothing. Actions are what you should be worried about, but if they haven't DONE anything improper (i.e. touchy feely), who cares what they talk about? It's just words. Insecure types let words get to them. I've got a bit more snake skin on me...she can talk to whoever she wants about whatever she wants, because it's her right to do so, and vice versa with me. Now if I find out she's been a little too hand-and-finger friendly with a guy, ex or not...that's when I'll have a problem.
Yeh ok..I guess I just am not full of it and mean what I say. Does not make me anything but not a flirty phoney that acts skanky to the opposite sex just to get attention and stroke my own ego. Guys ALWAYS say something stupid before trying to make a move. They test you with it.
My path? You mean the one of "i don't like or stay or accept cheaters?"
Yeh..ok...I think that is why people get into relationships that exclusive. If you want to hang out with ex's and all that crap you should stick to casual dating in my book. I thought that was something understood by most.
No. I feel that it's your boyfriend's feelings that should be the priority here. He obviously would prefer to hang out with his ex without you, so why not honor his wishes? So what if they want to talk about old times or mutual friends? You'd only be the third wheel. If you can't trust your boyfriend, then that's a whole other problem you need to discuss with him. But your boyfriend considers this woman an ex, she already has another boyfriend, and there is a child involved. I really see no reason to get upset over not being invited to dinner. Even if you were married to him, I think that you should show that you trust your man to behave himself when you aren't around. And if you can't then you shouldn't be with him.
I agree.. if you don't trust him, why are you with him?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
