Guys opinion needed (dating, girlfriend, how to, man)
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So the short version is I met this guy we dated, had relations with one another, but because life got in the way and I didn't feel that certain needs were being met by this person I broke up with him. I knew that he was upset by this and I really didn't want to lose him as a friend. After some deep conversations we were able to salvage our friendship. Things were going great, then one day it was like well I am not seeing any and your not seeing one so we managed to meet our physical needs and remain friends. Which was also going great. Now I am ready to start dating, but I don't think this guy only wants to be friends. There were reasons that it didn't work out before and I don't think that they are going to change.
My question is this, how do I let him know that I am interested in someone else and that I am ready to start dating seriously? How do I keep him as a friend because that is the most important thing to me? I would rather have his friendship then not have it and be dating someone else.
If he's a true friend he will understand and move on. He obviously has feelings for you and unless you let him know and break it down to him, I see him becoming obsessed with you and making this a miserable friendship, if that's what you wanna call it.
Make it clear both of you are free to see/date other people and if he doesn't like the idea then sucks to be him.
I would really like to avoid all the nasty drama stuff, and I am not sure that he thinks that we are only friends. All I can say is when we "broke up" he said that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend or all the stuff that comes with it. I told him then that a friendship was much more important to me then anything else.
So the short version is I met this guy we dated, had relations with one another, but because life got in the way and I didn't feel that certain needs were being met by this person I broke up with him. I knew that he was upset by this and I really didn't want to lose him as a friend. After some deep conversations we were able to salvage our friendship. Things were going great, then one day it was like well I am not seeing any and your not seeing one so we managed to meet our physical needs and remain friends. Which was also going great. Now I am ready to start dating, but I don't think this guy only wants to be friends. There were reasons that it didn't work out before and I don't think that they are going to change.
My question is this, how do I let him know that I am interested in someone else and that I am ready to start dating seriously? How do I keep him as a friend because that is the most important thing to me? I would rather have his friendship then not have it and be dating someone else.
Look, you created this toxic soup, now you're going to have to eat it too.
There is no "gentle" way of doing this. Thing is, just because you wanted your "needs" met, you ended up putting this guy in a situation that is going to hurt him. You're not going to be able to avoid the drama, in fact, you're probably going to be able to make a pretty good soap-opera out of this.
The whole FWB thing never really works.. someone always gets hurt. That's just the bottom line. Better just to tell him and get it over with now.. just watch out for the fireworks.
........ I would rather have his friendship then not have it and be dating someone else.
You are giving yourself an unrealistic ultimatum. Your definition of being "friends" is obviously different than his. You have already spun his head around once by going back and forth between friendship and intimacy.
If you really want to ONLY be friends, then tell him this, hope he accepts it, and make it an ironclad rule not to share sex with him in the future.
Look, you created this toxic soup, now you're going to have to eat it too.
There is no "gentle" way of doing this. Thing is, just because you wanted your "needs" met, you ended up putting this guy in a situation that is going to hurt him. You're not going to be able to avoid the drama, in fact, you're probably going to be able to make a pretty good soap-opera out of this.
The whole FWB thing never really works.. someone always gets hurt. That's just the bottom line. Better just to tell him and get it over with now.. just watch out for the fireworks.
Ok so there is no toxic soup. BTW, he is the one that said he didn't want to have a girlfriend, and I am the one that said my intellectual needs are not being met. So we are still on that same page. There is no drama, no silly **** going on. We have remained completely civil and kinda caring towards the others feelings. Although I do have to tell him to man up and be honest every once in a while because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, boo hoo. My questions has still not been answered. We both like each other, we are friendly towards each other, we both know that we are going to die one day, so why not get laid in the process that part is between him and I. But at some point in my life I know that I am going to want the emotional and intellectual needs that this particular fellow can not seem to meet will need to be met. I just want opinions about how to tell him that I am going on a date with someone else, without sounding uncaring for him.
If he's a true friend he will understand and move on. He obviously has feelings for you and unless you let him know and break it down to him, I see him becoming obsessed with you and making this a miserable friendship, if that's what you wanna call it.
Make it clear both of you are free to see/date other people and if he doesn't like the idea then sucks to be him.
Just let him know that you enjoy his friendship and respect him as a friend, and the sex was fun, but you are ready to pursue something more serious and that the two of you aren't very compatible in that regard. Like Cat said, if he's a real friend he'll understand. It may sting a little, but he should be able to handle it like an adult. If not, then that will only reinforce your judgment and choice to move on.
Ok so there is no toxic soup. BTW, he is the one that said he didn't want to have a girlfriend, and I am the one that said my intellectual needs are not being met. So we are still on that same page. There is no drama, no silly **** going on. We have remained completely civil and kinda caring towards the others feelings. Although I do have to tell him to man up and be honest every once in a while because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, boo hoo. My questions has still not been answered. We both like each other, we are friendly towards each other, we both know that we are going to die one day, so why not get laid in the process that part is between him and I. But at some point in my life I know that I am going to want the emotional and intellectual needs that this particular fellow can not seem to meet will need to be met. I just want opinions about how to tell him that I am going on a date with someone else, without sounding uncaring for him.
The soup is still on the stove, so to speak. Thing is, I haven't ever met anyone who has been in your situation where it hasn't turned into a disaster.
Look at things in black and white here for a second.
He cared deeply for you, but he wasn't what you wanted. So, you broke up with him but remained friends with him. Time goes on, and now you two decided to sleep together so that at least your physical needs were met. Now, you're contemplating seriously dating again.
Now look at things from his standpoint. He cares deeply for you. When you broke up with him, it hurt him. But, since he was so infatuated with you, or in love with you, or whatever, he rationalized that having you as a friend would be better than not having you at all. He probably was thinking that if you two stayed friends, that one day you would go back to him. So, time passes, and you two start sleeping together. To him, this is just one more step in getting you back.. I don't care what he says to you: He'll say anything to keep you from leaving again. But, inwardly, he's still hurting. He's probably ecstatic that you two are semi-together, and he's hoping that it will become more than that.
This is the toxic soup that I speak of..
Now, thing is, you're going to hurt him no matter how you tell him. He's going to feel abandoned - again, and yes, that hurts.
So, to answer your question: The best way to tell him is just simply to tell him. Let him know that you still care about him, and that you consider him your best friend.. Then tell him that you feel that it's time to move on, that you don't want him to get hurt by all of this.
Either he'll understand or he won't. It's just a chance that you have to take.
Just to let you know I was asked on a date last night and I went. I told the friend about it and he was like so when can we hang out. Everything is still all good. : )
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