How to create a spark that never existed?

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by dgfurman

Dh and I have been married 11 yrs now, and for the last few yrs, things have gotten tense b/t us. One issue is that I don't have any desire to get intimate with him. I try, but the thought of doing it feels like more of a chore that I do for him, than anything else.

The big problem stems from the fact that I never really had any passionate/sexual feelings for him from the get go. And now, over time, you can imagine that that hasn't improved. Quite the contrary.

However, he is a good man, and we have 3 kids, and I don't want to rip our family apart, so I'd really like to try to ignite some kind of spark, if possible. I've searched online, but everything I find is about rekindling the passion that previously existed, finding what it is that brought you together in the 1st place. What if you never had that? Excitement/passion/desire whatever is just something you can't fake, and I know he is disappointed that I'm always avoiding him.

Thanks!

My question is, did you ever have spark/passion/desire with anyone? ANyway

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships: David Schnarch Ph.D.: 9780805058260: Amazon.com: Books

[goodheathen]

Originally Posted by blackyhart

I've just found myself in the same position but on the other side, and would love to know if its possible to save a 16 year relationship that missing the "spark". My wife and I have been married 6 years but together since our early twenties. Just the other day my wife announced that there was no "spark" between us. As I probed deeper and we discussed this very honestly and openly she claimed there was never any real "passion" there. When I mentioned How we were the first time we met she did admit that for the first few months there may have been something, but that was a long time ago.
This whole conversation didn't come as a complete shock, but the fact that she thinks we are over, certainly did. We both knew we had serious issues around sex (or the lack of it, 10 mins a year) but thought that or relationship was so good in ever other respect that we could both live with what we had. In hindsight we should have sought help years ago.
I'll do anything to save our relationship and suggested counselling, which she has agreed to put doesn't think it will do much and can't brink back or create a "Spark". To make it 16 years I think there must have been something there and won't give up withour a fight, but just hope I'm not fighting a loosing battle.
We're both fit, healthy and in descent shape (I think she looks amazing) with good careers, no financial worries and most of all no kids. So going our separate ways would be "easy" but I don't want to loose my best friend and the woman I love, not least of all because I don't think I could replace her.
No Kids is another issue ( we probably have too many issues to go into here), for years I thought we were both on the same wavelength there where neither of us wanted kids, if anything she was more opposed than I. In our last conversation she now says that maybe she would like kids but with someone that she has a spark with!
She says she still loves me, but that we both deserve better and fuller relationships. I see her point and god knows I'd love more sex (with her) but I think we can achieve this together and not by splitting up and looking for someone else.
What do people think. Can a really dim and distant spark be re-ignited or if indeed it never existed, is there any point!!

You should have made your own thread. Still could.

I think it depends largely on whether you're physically the kind of man she is wired to like. There are other elements of attraction, but I can't comment on undisclosed details.

[kat949]

Originally Posted by dgfurman

Dh and I have been married 11 yrs now, and for the last few yrs, things have gotten tense b/t us. One issue is that I don't have any desire to get intimate with him. I try, but the thought of doing it feels like more of a chore that I do for him, than anything else.

The big problem stems from the fact that I never really had any passionate/sexual feelings for him from the get go. And now, over time, you can imagine that that hasn't improved. Quite the contrary.

However, he is a good man, and we have 3 kids, and I don't want to rip our family apart, so I'd really like to try to ignite some kind of spark, if possible. I've searched online, but everything I find is about rekindling the passion that previously existed, finding what it is that brought you together in the 1st place. What if you never had that? Excitement/passion/desire whatever is just something you can't fake, and I know he is disappointed that I'm always avoiding him.

Thanks!

You must feel so frustrated!

On one hand, you love him, on the other hand, you aren't able to feel passion and sexual desire for him, at all.

I think over time, the physical passion wanes even in relationships where sexual attraction was strongest in the beginning of the relationship, but how to yearn for someone you may not feel sparks at all for?

Maybe you can try alternatives like get him to wear a cologne or dress-up and do something very non-routine?

Cologne can mimic the pheromones, and a guy dressed up in a nice pair of pants and sexy shirt? Can do wonders for the mind. Role-play a little.

Creativity is another way.. psychological flirting/banter to set the mood? Create some distance, and then the yearning may build up? Or admire him as a father? All of the above, and think of the joy and love you share and be in that moment just for the time being, and then you may feel the sparks?

[strawberrykiki]

I have mixed feelings. Everyone wants the spark, don't they? But sometimes I do wonder how realistic it is and if the spark is really a good guide in choosing someone for the rest of our lives.

I think with or without spark if two people really love each other for who the other person really is and they both really want things to work out, then things CAN work out even if there isn't a great spark between them. The older I get the more I feel I would rather have a partner who is a good father (if I ever have kids), makes me laugh, is supportive, is a kind and caring person, and someone I can really count on no matter what life throws at us over someone I fight with and can never count on but want to rip their clothes off every day.

I would definitely think twice over divorcing a wonderful person and great partner over lack of spark. Who knows if you'll find the spark even if you leave. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

[oakgrrl]

I have been married 11 yrs now, and for the last few yrs, things have gotten tense b/t us. One issue is that I don't have any desire to get intimate with him. I try, but the thought of doing it feels like more of a chore that I do for him, than anything else.

Not sure you are going to get this, since you posted so long ago..but I am in a similar position and wondered how you resolved your situation. As you know, there's not much online help.

[stepka]

Originally Posted by dgfurman

I got married b/c there was finally someone who was a decent guy, no bullsh*t, that loved me, and wanted to be with me. I was in my mid 30s, was hearing the clock tick, and had fallen out of love a few times before, that I thought that the physical part faded anyway, and wasn't that important as all the other qualities, like comfort, security, someone that would do anything for me...

Not peri-menopausal yet.....prob. soon, but I can tell you that I have the desire - just not for my dh, unfort.

OMG, you sound like me before I got divorced. I was so relieved when he left me and I've never looked back. It seemed sensible at the time but I hope some young women are paying attention here.