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Emotional affairs are pretty much dirty and unethical. There is friendship and there is dirty and unethical. Two different things.
My scenario is a little different because this happened to me this week by my boyfriend. We had been "talking" or whatever for a few months back in the spring of 2008, but weren't in a "relationship" (had been friends for 6 years before ever thinking of dating), he left for the summer to work at a national park and started dating someone else while he was out there. He moved back in Sept of that year and started calling me and inviting me to places as "friends" while his girlfriend he started dating that summer lived on the other side of the country. I told him we didn't need to be hanging out as "just friends" because it wasn't just friends to me. Well they broke up in November and then he told me right before Christmas last year that she was coming to visit as "just friends" but he did have feelings for me and wanted to take me on a date after all of that was over and see where things went. We have been dating since January and in a "relationship" since May of this year. Well I found out in the early summer that he was still occassionally talking to her on the phone. I just think that when you are in a committed relationship that the need to share and invest time in a person of the opposite sex should naturally cease and you should want to share and invest in your SO in order for the relationship to grow. I think it's fine to have FRIENDS of the opposite sex and would never discourage that, but there's a line there. He said that he agreed that he shouldn't be sustaining these "friendships" with someone he had previously been in a relationship with. He asked me last month how I felt about him visiting some friends from that summer that were going to be coming through our state. His ex was going to be one of those friends. I asked how he felt about her now and how often they talked. He said they haven't been talking since our last conversation about it in the summer and that their relationship was not serious and was more of a summer fling. I told him to go if he wanted to go, that I trusted him. Well lately I have had a gut feeling that something wasn't right about all of this. So, I asked to see his phone. There were TONS of phone conversations (almost every other day) and most of them an hour or so at the time. Tons of text as well with flirty banter from her end. He said "I know you're not going to believe me, but there's nothing there. I haven't had feelings for her for a while." I felt so betrayed because he has been sharing thoughts and feelings about life with someone that is not me and someone he used to be in a relationship with and was keeping it from me. The worst part is he flat out lied to me. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I would really like some male perspective on this. He told me today that he talked to her last night and told her it was best they not talk. He said that she is a good friend and there's nothing there, but it isn't worth the pain it's causing us. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I've been cheated on.
To be honest, I disagree. Basically, are you saying if I turn to my dad or my sister for a an emotional support, I commit an adultery? Sometimes, my husband and I have troubles and I can turn to my sister to just vent. We all need that. I don't disclose intimate details, but I can say that we are having troubles. I'm confused by your post.
Additionally you can have a very close female friend you confide in.
I guess I disagree with your understanding of emotional affair. I think on most cases it's very closely tied up to sexual attraction and romantic feelings towards one another. If the romantic feelings are not there, then it's not an affair.
I agree. You actually can't get all your emotional needs met by a spouse. It's the combination of emotional needs plus romantic/sexual feelings that makes your relationship different from the ones you enjoy with friends and family.
I think my husband is having an emotional affair now with a co-worker. He consistently texts her although the subject matter is how much he despises his job, there are literally hundreds of texts. Yes, I had to look. He's just been weird lately, cranky, distant. It worries me because he has started mentioning her name a lot and not in relation to work.
Like Shana said she knows people who work where ever. He has seemed distant, preoccupied and he's a Facebook addict. One day I caught him in our room in the middle of the day with his cell phone by his head and he claimed he was "taking a nap" He doesn't nap.
I'm not sure what to do about this situation, except be kinder. I feel like I should be his friend, like he should text me about his stupid job and not her. They sit by each other and they have traveled together, eating dinner seeing sights together after work. It's like dating. But what do I say? He's friendly and outgoing and has as many female friends as he does male friends.
Typically my coping mechanism has been to pay attention to how he treats me. When that goes downhill then I'll worry. I have met this woman and she has a boyfriend that she lives with, but that doesn't mean much to me. I'm hoping he gets this other job where he won't have to travel out of town with female colleagues. That seems to be asking for trouble.
I agree. You actually can't get all your emotional needs met by a spouse. It's the combination of emotional needs plus romantic/sexual feelings that makes your relationship different from the ones you enjoy with friends and family.
I think my husband is having an emotional affair now with a co-worker. He consistently texts her although the subject matter is how much he despises his job, there are literally hundreds of texts. Yes, I had to look. He's just been weird lately, cranky, distant. It worries me because he has started mentioning her name a lot and not in relation to work.
Like Shana said she knows people who work where ever. He has seemed distant, preoccupied and he's a Facebook addict. One day I caught him in our room in the middle of the day with his cell phone by his head and he claimed he was "taking a nap" He doesn't nap.
I'm not sure what to do about this situation, except be kinder. I feel like I should be his friend, like he should text me about his stupid job and not her. They sit by each other and they have traveled together, eating dinner seeing sights together after work. It's like dating. But what do I say? He's friendly and outgoing and has as many female friends as he does male friends.
Typically my coping mechanism has been to pay attention to how he treats me. When that goes downhill then I'll worry. I have met this woman and she has a boyfriend that she lives with, but that doesn't mean much to me. I'm hoping he gets this other job where he won't have to travel out of town with female colleagues. That seems to be asking for trouble.
Man, you better nip this in the bud!
Don't wait around for him to become more emotionally connected to this co-worker!
Come right out and tell him of your concerns. But keep your cool! Don't act jealous or angry, just concerned. But he needs to know how you feel, and maybe have it pointed out to him that what he is doing isn't healthy for your marriage.
Maybe this guy feels like his coworker gets where he is coming from in this particularly situation (hating work) and he doesn't want to bore his wife with office detail. Or maybe not. As a woman, I can become completely enamored of someone without ever touching them. With men, this is also true but they tend to be more proactive about the physical eventuality.
"Emotional" affair is a stupid term. People *KNOW* when they are crossing a line. Each relationship sets up its boundaries differently. Some people freak when their partner looks at porn. Some say "go right ahead."
Maybe this guy feels like his coworker gets where he is coming from in this particularly situation (hating work) and he doesn't want to bore his wife with office detail. Or maybe not. As a woman, I can become completely enamored of someone without ever touching them. With men, this is also true but they tend to be more proactive about the physical eventuality.
"Emotional" affair is a stupid term. People *KNOW* when they are crossing a line. Each relationship sets up its boundaries differently. Some people freak when their partner looks at porn. Some say "go right ahead."
I'd rather my man look at porn than "do the talky talky and get close to another women" He can have friends but should know when it is crossing the line.
Maybe this guy feels like his coworker gets where he is coming from in this particularly situation (hating work) and he doesn't want to bore his wife with office detail. Or maybe not. As a woman, I can become completely enamored of someone without ever touching them. With men, this is also true but they tend to be more proactive about the physical eventuality.
"Emotional" affair is a stupid term. People *KNOW* when they are crossing a line. Each relationship sets up its boundaries differently. Some people freak when their partner looks at porn. Some say "go right ahead."
"emotional affair" may seem like a stupid term to you, but it's a pretty accurate description of what occurs when a married man or woman gets too intimate with another person without sexual contact.
An affair is an affair, however the couple in question chooses to define it.
I was in a relationship for a long time that had very little sexual connection. My partner was depressed and had lots of issues being sexually interested. I was told in the very beginning to go and seek satisfaction elsewhere. Is that an affair? By the definition of my situation, no. For others, maybe so.
My point is that you don't need to stick "emotional" in the term. Sex or no sex, if a partner has diverted their attentions to someone else, that is typically counted as a betrayal. Whether clothes come off a bunch of times or hours of phone calls and coffee chats keep your relationship from growing, it all can end up the same way. People get interested in other people for lots of reasons. Saying "well, lets only count the sex ones as the real ones" is goofy.
And why are we talking marriage only? Can't people outside of marriages have affairs? Or are we calling that cheating? Just curious. I kind of like the term "affair", just for the record.
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