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Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
16,259 posts, read 24,763,471 times
Reputation: 3587
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfeyes
I think in a relationship IT GOES BOTH WAYS!!!!!!! When you are married it is now BOTH your finances NOT just YOURS as the MAN!! And IF you have a good trusting relationship you shouldn't and won't have to worry about where she is going or what she is spending money on!! I also think when it comes to the "Bills".. You should both know what your paying, not just the so called "man". And if your thinking your going to have financial issues when or before you get married, then you shouldn't ever get married!
I just do not agree. My house is my castle and I pay the bills here and give her money for food and house stuff every 2 weeks. She knew that when she married me. The money she makes is what she pays her own bills with (her car, insurance and her credit cards) because she only makes about 20% of what I make. The only bill we split is the cell phone bill because we have a family plan and me, she, my kid and 2 of her kids are all on it. Other than that we maintain separate accounts, separate credit and we file married separate tax returns every year.
Hon if you are asking, you aren't too comfortable with the situation. I guess it boils down to what you can comfortably live with. It's perfectly normal for spouses to let each other know where they are going. It's perfectly normal to tell your spouse how much you spent if it comes out of the family money. It's even normal for your spouse to be concerned about you traveling alone.
What's not normal is when you find yourself answering to an adult like a child in trouble with a parent. If you are told you can't travel, if you find yourself having to explain each and every moment you are gone, if you can't have a checking account or your name on the family checking account you have a problem.
My take is that I'm an adult and am capable of taking care of myself so I have no need for a daddy. I perfer having a man.
Just want to know if this sounds controlling, married, nothing is in my name, he keeps saying he will get a bank acount for me up does not(however I do not push the issue) I do go shopping by myself and he gives me the bank card, when I do though he tracks where I go by looking it up on the internet through the bankcard.Then he asks me where I went when i come home and I tell him and how much i spent and give him recipts(do understand that part) just wondering if this is normal
If my man was dumb enough to treat me this way he would be dumped.
I just do not agree. My house is my castle and I pay the bills here and give her money for food and house stuff every 2 weeks. She knew that when she married me. The money she makes is what she pays her own bills with (her car, insurance and her credit cards) because she only makes about 20% of what I make. The only bill we split is the cell phone bill because we have a family plan and me, she, my kid and 2 of her kids are all on it. Other than that we maintain separate accounts, separate credit and we file married separate tax returns every year.
Well darlin thats all good for you and her!! But thats not how a marriage should work it seems to me you have issues, and if she is willing to accept your issuse then thats good. But MOST families share money equally is all Im saying.
I just do not agree. My house is my castle and I pay the bills here and give her money for food and house stuff every 2 weeks. She knew that when she married me. The money she makes is what she pays her own bills with (her car, insurance and her credit cards) because she only makes about 20% of what I make. The only bill we split is the cell phone bill because we have a family plan and me, she, my kid and 2 of her kids are all on it. Other than that we maintain separate accounts, separate credit and we file married separate tax returns every year.
And you didn't even call her "my wife" once! Wonderful arrangement ... I'd be curious to know how long it's been in place.
Heck, the more I read and experience in life I start thinking I had it too good while being married...
Haha I went to respond to Foreveryoung35 and went to say yes be careful, get a credit card and back up plan in case you find yourself in a pickle, but the sheer ignorance and arrogance of some of the other comments have dumbfounded me and I found myself writing a 5 page BLOG about it all hahaha
All I will say is this. Foreveryoung35? Get your back up plan ready and hope for both you and your sons sake you never have to use it. I did and once my husband found out and realized how I was feeling he felt so horrible he went to counseling to change himself as to never make me feel that way again. Because he loves me and wants us to be equal partners in our marriage. He never meant to make me feel the way I was left feeling.
Any man love with his wife, would support her having friends, family relationships, and be an EQUAL partner in the money matters. no matter WHO makes 20% of the income. Or 0% of the income. You are married, "HIS CASTLE?" is also YOUR castle, and you have as much right to it and the money coming into it as he does. I suppose you are also expected to do 100% of the household chores, and other duties too right? Just an educated guess on a guy who would be so arrogant and so ignorant as to believe in these outrageous theories to begin with. Unless you have done something to prove to him you could not be trusted with money (ie a gambling problem) then there is absolutely NO premise for this argument he has and is more than likely the one hiding things. Or maybe he just really does not realize he is making you feel this way, but there is only one way to find out.... ask.
Good luck
sigh,
I guess I can certainly be thankful for the wonderful caring and supportive husband I DO have. WOW just when I thought I heard it all. MY castle!? WHEW! My vet might just have had to remind me how he neutered my dog after that one had it been him saying such nonsense!! I believe it was with a large mallet type hammer and a brick block!? hahaha
Foreveryoung35, I agree with those comments above saying that if you're asking for our opinions in this forum about your married-financial arrangements, you are not comfortable w/ what you signed up for. However, to help alleviate the situation, I must ask you these questions, and hopefully your answers to these ?s will clear up your head:
1. If the situation is reversed (that is, if your husband was the stay-at-home father, and you're the breadwinner), would you want to have the same financial control as he does now, or would you let your husband have his name on your bank acct., as well as everything else under your name?
2. Have you approached him about this? If yes, what were his answers to your concerns?
3. How is his financial "background"? For example, did he ever marry someone w/ a great amount of debt, hence, a financial scar is left with him (so to speak)?
It is not about trust. It is about the fact that a man should run the finances in his household (exception- he sucks at it in which case he needs to bring home his check and sign it over to his wife who will give him an allowance out of it).
A man should keep his books and keep his funds in order. You cannot have 2 people running things. It don't work that way. I cannot have her writing checks on the account and me writing checks because we would be overdrawn and probably paying the same bills twice.
I don't need credit trouble or trouble with the IRS. I run the books in this house and if she needs extra money besides the money I give her every 2 weeks, ask and she shall receive!
There is a solution to this: carbon copy of every check and also, don't you use the attached booklet to write each deposit, check #'s, withdrawls, etc?
Please, please understand what can happen to you. He IS controlling, and the truth is, you probably really know it in your heart... You probably feel it, wonder if you are crazy, and wonder why you feel so bad when he checks on you the way he does. Does he make you feel good, safe, appreciated for the mother you are?
The reason I say this is because I KNOW! My situation was the very same, but with three children, and I willingly gave up my livelyhood to raise them. I had no idea about the money, the bills, ect. and he treated me like I was indebted to him. It was a horrible marraige, which yours may not be, but I questioned myself and my value the whole time.
When I finally left, my twins were two and my oldest daughter was five. I found out that after years of marraige, he was spending the money like you would not believe, on women, on internet "stuff", and so much more. I lost my confidence in myself, and it ended up we even had a second mortgage I knew nothing of. I lost so much.
Please, for your child, protect yourself and go with your gut! If you wonder, that is not normal... No one, especially your husband should make you feel that way. NO ONE. This is what got me, a friend said to me, "If you saw your child in a marraige like yours, what would you think?" That answered it all for me.
In all kindness,
Shoes
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... I'd be curious to know how long it's been in place.
To: Forever Young~Controlling Husband
