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During a big part of my life, this was a MAJOR issue: Whenever I spoke to someone, I asked "random", dull, questions in the hope the other would talk a lot, and I'd just have to smile and nod every now and then. Tactic which almost never worked of course, only with very talkative people.
It's going much better now, and I can get conversations going, but once in a while, it's still a bit difficult. Even with people I can have good conversations with, I sometimes have difficulties.
When I see certain people, it's like no matter the time or place, they just go towards someone they know, say something, get the other hooked, and talk for hours.
Any ideas on how to change this? Any topics that are sure to get the other talking? Any particular ways of talking?
i can't really help, as children, we were part of the "children should be seen and not heard" philosophy.
we also weren't encouraged to mix with other people.
now, as an adult, it's left me slightly socially inadequate.
i'm LOUSY at starting conversations with people.
i'll be watching this thread with interest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tkt
Hey,
During a big part of my life, this was a MAJOR issue: Whenever I spoke to someone, I asked "random", dull, questions in the hope the other would talk a lot, and I'd just have to smile and nod every now and then. Tactic which almost never worked of course, only with very talkative people.
It's going much better now, and I can get conversations going, but once in a while, it's still a bit difficult. Even with people I can have good conversations with, I sometimes have difficulties.
When I see certain people, it's like no matter the time or place, they just go towards someone they know, say something, get the other hooked, and talk for hours.
Any ideas on how to change this? Any topics that are sure to get the other talking? Any particular ways of talking?
I have long conversations with people. Obviously, you have to have someone that is also willing to speak with you. Two people that don't know what to say aren't going to get very far. The key, imo, to keep them going is...are you really interested in what they have to say? I remember some book I read a long time ago about this guy who had writers block. He wanted to write a paper about his town (for a class). Maybe it was a history paper. I can't recall. He couldn't get started. His instructor advised him to pick a street. Still, the writer's block was in full force. Then, he was told to focuss on one building. Maybe it was a bank or the city hall. But, no go. Finally, his instructor told him to write about a brick in the building. From there the flood gates opened.
Point being, you ask a question. How's work going? or how are the kids? This happened to me this morning via IM on fb with my brother's old girl friend. Her dh lost his job. That led to conversation about what kind of work he did. How bad the economy is for everyone. Her not working, tho, she's back in school, which led to discussion about problem classes she was having and the desire to transfer. I also added how proud I was of her for going back to school after all these years. So, I think it's a matter of getting into whatever situation a person is in; getting involved and caring about it.
Is the thread about starting conversations or keeping them going? If the latter then keep reading:
Identify commonalities
Stretch the conversation out through past & future projections. Create a link in the other person's mind using memories, imaginary as they are. Another method of identifying commonalities is branching out off of statements. Nearly every statement has two topics (or more). Natural conversation isn’t questions followed by answers, it’s mostly statements spun off into new directions. This is the “gift of gab”. The baseline “secret” of doing this is to follow this simple rule:
Relate your experiences using THOUGHTS and EMOTIONS.
When telling a story don't just spit out a bunch of facts of events and what happened. Tell them what was running through your head and what you were feeling when the event occurred. Use analogies as well for things that they might be more familiar with.
Bad conversation:
My TV broke last weekend during the game so picked up a new one Monday after work and of course Best Buy sucked as usual.
Good conversation:
I was watching TV last weekend and just as my favorite team was making the last drive to tie the game it broke. Just...poof. Nothing. I was soooo frustrated. Have you ever been watching something you were so into and then your power or cable go out and you miss a really important part? Doesn't that suck? Worst still is when I went to Best Buy the sales people were no help. Ever been shopping and everyone sorta just ignores you? Hellooo! I'm right hear people! Talk about frustrating. You know what I mean? I just kept thinking to myself 'I wonder what would happen if I just made up some popcorn in the appliances section and kicked off my shoes and lounged on the couch and popped a movie into the display setup they have?' That would kick ass and you KNOW they'd come running to see what's up.
Get the idea? Thoughts, emotions, and use what I call "checking in" to see if they're following along:
You know what I mean...
Have you ever...
You want them nodding their head, or even better piggybacking on your conversation thread and injecting their own stories as they relate to yours. A good way of getting them invested in the conversation is vertical conversation. Horizontal is the surface stuff, basic bland questions (where you from, what do you do, what school do you attend, etc). Vertical digs deeper. Check-ins for keeping the vertical conversations going are:
What was that like?
Really?
As I mentioned before, another key aspect to remember is to use past & future projections. Try and steer topics away from the present tense. The fastest way to make someone's eyes glaze over is to talk about facts and boring detail, which is exactly what happens when you are talking in the present tense. One of the best ways to build a connection is to use future projections. The reason they work so well is they build memories in their mind as they imagine the journey you’re describing.
It’s amazing how simple it is finding commonalities while painting the rich canvas of your life. That being said, the one thing you don't want to talk about if you can help it is the here and now. Again, present tense = boring. When you talk about what you want to do in the future, they pay more attention. Plus part of it is we're more excited when we talk about fun stuff we want to do with our lives, so it's a win-win due to how it draws them in. It's how they imagine doing things with you and making mental links between the two of you.
i can't really help, as children, we were part of the "children should be seen and not heard" philosophy.
we also weren't encouraged to mix with other people.
now, as an adult, it's left me slightly socially inadequate.
i'm LOUSY at starting conversations with people.
i'll be watching this thread with interest.
That's really awful, must not have been fun growing up like that
I admit, starting a good conversation, especially with someone you don't know much, is a real pain in the ***
For me, especially when I've had a first conversation with someone, and it didn't go very far. The second time I talk with the person, it's like all of that stuff isn't talkable anymore, and I have to think of other stuff ...
I hope you also find answers to your problem
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn
I have long conversations with people. Obviously, you have to have someone that is also willing to speak with you. Two people that don't know what to say aren't going to get very far. The key, imo, to keep them going is...are you really interested in what they have to say? I remember some book I read a long time ago about this guy who had writers block. He wanted to write a paper about his town (for a class). Maybe it was a history paper. I can't recall. He couldn't get started. His instructor advised him to pick a street. Still, the writer's block was in full force. Then, he was told to focuss on one building. Maybe it was a bank or the city hall. But, no go. Finally, his instructor told him to write about a brick in the building. From there the flood gates opened.
Point being, you ask a question. How's work going? or how are the kids? This happened to me this morning via IM on fb with my brother's old girl friend. Her dh lost his job. That led to conversation about what kind of work he did. How bad the economy is for everyone. Her not working, tho, she's back in school, which led to discussion about problem classes she was having and the desire to transfer. I also added how proud I was of her for going back to school after all these years. So, I think it's a matter of getting into whatever situation a person is in; getting involved and caring about it.
I am usually interested in what people have to say. But it's like they aren't interested in what I have to say ...
Besides, I've already tried being really interested and trying to get to know people well. People started saying I was TOO interested
What you describe afterwards, the thing of going from one subject to another: I remember doing that when I was a kid, very very young, I could talk for hours about kid's subjects. Too bad I've lost that skill.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Cat
Me too!
Welcome to the club
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nutz76
Is the thread about starting conversations or keeping them going? If the latter then keep reading:
Identify commonalities
Stretch the conversation out through past & future projections. Create a link in the other person's mind using memories, imaginary as they are. Another method of identifying commonalities is branching out off of statements. Nearly every statement has two topics (or more). Natural conversation isn’t questions followed by answers, it’s mostly statements spun off into new directions. This is the “gift of gab”. The baseline “secret” of doing this is to follow this simple rule:
Relate your experiences using THOUGHTS and EMOTIONS.
When telling a story don't just spit out a bunch of facts of events and what happened. Tell them what was running through your head and what you were feeling when the event occurred. Use analogies as well for things that they might be more familiar with.
Bad conversation:
My TV broke last weekend during the game so picked up a new one Monday after work and of course Best Buy sucked as usual.
Good conversation:
I was watching TV last weekend and just as my favorite team was making the last drive to tie the game it broke. Just...poof. Nothing. I was soooo frustrated. Have you ever been watching something you were so into and then your power or cable go out and you miss a really important part? Doesn't that suck? Worst still is when I went to Best Buy the sales people were no help. Ever been shopping and everyone sorta just ignores you? Hellooo! I'm right hear people! Talk about frustrating. You know what I mean? I just kept thinking to myself 'I wonder what would happen if I just made up some popcorn in the appliances section and kicked off my shoes and lounged on the couch and popped a movie into the display setup they have?' That would kick ass and you KNOW they'd come running to see what's up.
Get the idea? Thoughts, emotions, and use what I call "checking in" to see if they're following along:
You know what I mean...
Have you ever...
You want them nodding their head, or even better piggybacking on your conversation thread and injecting their own stories as they relate to yours. A good way of getting them invested in the conversation is vertical conversation. Horizontal is the surface stuff, basic bland questions (where you from, what do you do, what school do you attend, etc). Vertical digs deeper. Check-ins for keeping the vertical conversations going are:
What was that like?
Really?
As I mentioned before, another key aspect to remember is to use past & future projections. Try and steer topics away from the present tense. The fastest way to make someone's eyes glaze over is to talk about facts and boring detail, which is exactly what happens when you are talking in the present tense. One of the best ways to build a connection is to use future projections. The reason they work so well is they build memories in their mind as they imagine the journey you’re describing.
It’s amazing how simple it is finding commonalities while painting the rich canvas of your life. That being said, the one thing you don't want to talk about if you can help it is the here and now. Again, present tense = boring. When you talk about what you want to do in the future, they pay more attention. Plus part of it is we're more excited when we talk about fun stuff we want to do with our lives, so it's a win-win due to how it draws them in. It's how they imagine doing things with you and making mental links between the two of you.
Well I guess the thread is about both, although I asked about the latter ...
I understand what you mean about not asking only about facts, but really involving feelings into the conversation. Not only is it more interesting, but it's also much more you can actually say. I guess it's something I forget in general.
Probably because I'm afraid of people thinking I'm TOO sentimental, or too whiny, or gossiping about everyone and evertything ...
When talking about the past, do you think it is okay to make up anecdotes? Or semi-true anecdotes? Do you do it?
Conversation is like many other areas in life - it takes two to tango. With some people you can't stop talking; with others - it's an ordeal. A good conversation happens only with people one clicks with.
thanks.
don't get me wrong tho, i didn't have an unhappy childhood, it's just that we were repressed around adults, and new people.
"speak when you're spoken to", that sort of thing.
my parents weren't bad people, they were just "old school".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tkt
That's really awful, must not have been fun growing up like that
Funny, I never imagined I would make a reappearance on this forum in a thread about conversations, huh...
Starting Conversations
With a Stranger
You can start a conversation with someone you don't know either formally or informally.
Formally is where you walk up to them and introduce yourself.
Informally is where you direct a comment or question to the other person. A good example is if you're standing in line, catch their eye and ask: "What do you think of this Tiger Woods thing?"
Some people will brush you off. Others will respond. If they ignore you it has nothing to do with you, maybe they have a lot on their mind, or they're just unfriendly people. The reality is the vast majority of people will respond if you're casual and relaxed.
With Friends
Since you already know them all future conversations with them will start off for the most part informally, beside a quick "Hey Joe!". Assuming you haven't scared or bored them to death previously you are pretty much guaranteed a receptive audience.
If they're sort of in the middle, like an acquaintance, where you know each other but you're not yet really comfortable. I find it best to treat them as if we're already friends. That means you don't grill them with 100 questions and you are interested but not intense.
Keeping Conversations Going
As several posters have already mentioned, this is not something you can do on your own. A conversation is an inter-action. Sometimes you click with someone and you both can talk and listen to each other for hours. With other people nothing happens. Still others you'll be wishing they'd just shut up and get lost so you can talk to someone else!
Above all, if you want the conversation to keep going, then don't worry about trying to keep it going. It either will or it won't and if it doesn't just move on to someone else. There's no magic turn of phrase or perfect question that makes a conversation work.
Additional Skills Here are a few suggestions for breaking into certain social situations.
* Don't sneak up on someone from behind and tap them on the shoulder unless you know them well.
It's best to approach from an angle so they can see you coming but you're not coming straight at them which can be intimidating. This is especially true of people who are on their own, and even more so if you are a single man wanting to approach a single woman. Don't act sheepish, but don't make a frontal assault either. Try to use some common sense!
* One possible exception to the above is when you want to break into a circle.
If several people have formed a circle with their backs to the rest of the room and you want to join in, most socially awkward people would stand behind two members of the group and hope someone will notice and open a space for them. But that doesn't usually work. It's better to observe the group from a few feet away and pick out someone who is not participating in the group conversation. Walk up and tap that person on the shoulder and ask them a question or introduce yourself.
This does all kinds of good things.
#1 It breaks the circle allowing a space for you to join in.
#2 You bring positive recognition to a 'lesser' member of their group by singling them out.
#3 Circles like this are often dominated by a social alpha who is bragging about something or other. You can often give the group relief and gain status for yourself by splitting the group even if it's just for a few moments. Just make sure you don't overstay your welcome, or appear like you're butting in. Listen to your gut, the second the vibe from the group is anything less than 100% positive to your presence, quickly and gracefully make your exit.
OK I could probably go on and on about this topic so I better just shut up now and let you respond...seeing as we're having a conversation here
Talk to people you have known for awhile...can relate to.....topics that you are both interested in....excited to jabber on about....or topics to b*tch about things..Or I like to talk politics but beware if its not your team you better know your sh*t.
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