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Saving to own his own home, and doesn't want to blow thousands on rent every month?
I wish I could!
Sure, when he finally decides to buy his own home.... paid for just like that!!
There work ethic is amazing and take choosing a mate very seriously as well,
a lovely culture.
Who's talking about abandoning anyone? You can look out for a relative without living under the same roof forever. Are all these family members sick, elderly and helpless? Do they have friends, jobs, abilities, a life outside of their family? If not, it sounds like the family support was isolating them from the outside world. Suppose a 60 something year old mother is widowed - is her 30 year old son supposed to live with her for 20 or 30 years if she lives a good long life? Hope he likes being single forever. I've seen this first hand. Mother is "retired" and healthy but doesn't want to live alone, takes son's life with her. Son martyrs himself, whatever.
I think a man or woman who chooses to stay in the family home in their 30s and until they get married, totally avoiding the adult independent stage of life, is a baby. Even if they are helping others in that family.
If your mother has never worked outside the home, what do you expect her to do when her source of income--her husband--goes away? Go back home to live with mom and dad?
If her husband's dead, her parents are likely also dead.
Also, if the home's been in the family for generations, at least one son will inherit the home upon her death, if not both, jointly.
I think a man or woman who chooses to stay in the family home in their 30s and until they get married, totally avoiding the adult independent stage of life, is a baby. Even if they are helping others in that family.
Your idea of "adult independance" is limited so I'm not surprised you feel this way.
If your mother has never worked outside the home, what do you expect her to do when her source of income--her husband--goes away? Go back home to live with mom and dad?
If her husband's dead, her parents are likely also dead.
Also, if the home's been in the family for generations, at least one son will inherit the home upon her death, if not both, jointly.
Life insurance. Social security. Did they do no planning? What if the child/children die first, will she live on the street? What if the kids are irresponsible, you cannot depend fully on children caring for you.
It's wise to sell a high maintenance home, and go to a smaller home or condo and many do that. I'm already planning on that and I'm only 41. But right now I'm a caregiver, sharing responsibilities with another family member and an aide, for an elderly parent.
Your own story tends to support my position. Why isn't your parent living on their own? I don't think it's a bad thing--if you get along well with family to begin with. If my parents were alive, I didn't have a good enough relationship with them to want to do this for them, personally, but I don't see anything wrong with it.
This whole thread could be summarized in four words.
To each his own.
That's true but not so much when it comes to relationships. Then you have to have compatible values, and it could be difficult to live with in-laws, or live in a home with 4 generations living in it and 4 or 5 different nuclear families.
Those who like that - it's fine, but also in those cultures, it's the women usually expected to provide the nursing care for their in-laws, not their son, and that's something else to consider. A woman whose own parents are independent and took care of their retirement years may find it difficult when she's expected to provide round-the-clock care and financial support for the in-laws who did not. Same for a man, if his own parents saved up for their retirement, to have to live with and support the in-laws who did not, it can create a clash.
It's ignorance like this that makes me shake my head. Not everyone is supposed to live the oh-so-great American way of life. I have close Indian friends that I went to University with and they live at home at 26, but guess what? They are richer than me, they opened two businesses and one restaurant and they are living the high life. What do I have to show for when I moved out at 21? A little compared to them.
You can say you don't wanna date someone who lives at home, but stop with the blatant ignorance calling them mamas boys when they are in fact more mature than most people. They have different culture than you. There is a whole word outside the Western hemisphere.
I'm talking from the perspective of the American way of life. It's fine if another of the same background marries into this and lives with the in-laws, but someone not of the old country's culture, moving in with the in-laws could find it very difficult.
Yes, I realize that in other countries, they do things quite differently but here when someone is still living with mom and dad in his or her 40's it's usually not because they're very independent or running many businesses.
One of my Scottish friends has his own place but ever since his dad passed away he's been looking after his mom and staying with her. I don't see that as a bad thing. It's what any loving son/daughter would do for their parents. If you don't think that giving you life and raising you is a good enough reason to look after your parents when they're alone then that's your business. I for one would never abandon my parents.
Well that's the other thing about most Americans that is different. Most American parents don't expect or want their children being their nurse maids and don't expect the children to provide for them when they retire.
I realize that in some countries, people even have children with that thought in mind, that the children will be expected to provide for them in their golden years. Here we have social security and retirement plans and we don't have children because we think they should someday take care of us.
My dad is 80 and still works - but it's not less love that makes him want to be independent, he really doesn't want us providing for him. But yes - that's cultural, the American culture isn't the same as others. In some cultures, at least one child is expected to never leave home, never make their own life and is there to care for the parents. Often with no help from the others.
Well that's the other thing about most Americans that is different. Most American parents don't expect or want their children being their nurse maids and don't expect the children to provide for them when they retire.
I realize that in some countries, people even have children with that thought in mind, that the children will be expected to provide for them in their golden years. Here we have social security and retirement plans and we don't have children because we think they should someday take care of us.
My dad is 80 and still works - but it's not less love that makes him want to be independent, he really doesn't want us providing for him. But yes - that's cultural, the American culture isn't the same as others. In some cultures, at least one child is expected to never leave home, never make their own life and is there to care for the parents. Often with no help from the others.
This is not what I've seen. The attitude I've seen as prevalent is: "Your parents took care of you when you were young and needed help. It's your turn to return the favor when they get old and need help."
However, since I didn't get any sort of help from my parents, I would refuse to do this--if they weren't already dead and gone.
Well that's the other thing about most Americans that is different. Most American parents don't expect or want their children being their nurse maids and don't expect the children to provide for them when they retire.
I realize that in some countries, people even have children with that thought in mind, that the children will be expected to provide for them in their golden years. Here we have social security and retirement plans and we don't have children because we think they should someday take care of us.
My dad is 80 and still works - but it's not less love that makes him want to be independent, he really doesn't want us providing for him. But yes - that's cultural, the American culture isn't the same as others. In some cultures, at least one child is expected to never leave home, never make their own life and is there to care for the parents. Often with no help from the others.
Being American and Hispanic, for me, it's not an issue of returning the favor or even obligation, so to speak. It's my family. My mom, dad, my brother or sister - any one of them would be welcome to stay with me if they were ill or elderly and limited. I'd want them to be able to relax in their retirement, knowing social security would not be enough for them to do much with and if their retirement funds were limited. If they're sitting on a nice nest egg and healthy, they can pay their own way.
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