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So my girl car breaks down. She's not on the highway, but actually along a well traveled residential/college area. It's about 2pm I'm at work. She calls me. She has AAA, so she calls them, and she tells me that they would be there btw 20-30 mins, to drop her call off at the dealership, and her father was coming to get her.
So she's fine, right? Wrong.
She texts me about 2 hours later and asks why didn't I call to check up on her. That everyone else called and checked on her. My Bad. I apologize in the text back to her, and ask her if everything's okay. She doesn't feel like talking. When we do talk, she tells me how creepy the tow truck dude looked, and her father took a while to come get her. She didn't feel the need to call me while any of this was going on.
We work it out, but what I take from it was that (1)she expected me to call to check up on her, (2) and to have offered to leave work to pick her up (she is 'more important' than my job)
I agree with 1. A major personality trait I have is that I am very focused on what I'm doing, and I tend to have very tunnel vision. That does not mean that if something serious is happening, I'm oblivious to it. That's not the case. The issue is I didn't consider this a crisis, and while I didn't call her 2 hours after we talked I sensed that she was okay, I would have called her first thing when I left. Okay, something I can work on.
But I have a problem with 2. Yes she is more important than work, but not this situation. on a scale of crisis, this is very low, based on circumstances. She's a grown woman who is capable to do things on her own, and has done them before I came around. She expects, that as her boyfriend, I would have offered to come pick her up. And when I didn't call, instead of calling me, she waited. Hello? I'm sure if it was a serious situation, she would have called. If it was a traumatic as she described, she would have called.
While I admit I was wrong, she feels that she has nothing to apologize about in this situation. I feel she should apologize for the way she handled things intially- she never expressed these expectations, and since I was at work, and she was not in a dire situation, there was no need for me to offer to leave.
I recognize that some women like to play that damsel in distress role, and, if the situation were different (let's say I was home)- I would have definitely came out to assist her. But by nature I'm not compatible with that type of attitude. If she wanted more from me in this situation, I expect her to be upfront with it, and If I ask, I get a definite answer. I'm at work!
How many of you ladies have this type of expectation with your SOs? Was it something he learned through something like this? Have you learned to give and take with these situations, or is there very little room for deviation?
Well, if you aren't willing to do it, lots of other guys will.
If you two are kickin' it like that and she doesn't do this kind of thing all the time, you should have at least called. That would have showed her (in her mind) that you were concerned about her. Learn from this: this things go into a secret account to be used against you later
Okay - I think you're right with number 1 - you probably should have called (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you really were going to call later).
Honestly, if it were me and my SO was at work - I probably would have called and asked him to look up a phone number for me so I could call for a tow....but then, if her dad was picking her up I may have just called the parents for that number too. But if I called my SO, I would expect he could take the 5 mins to find a number for me. I would not expect him to leave work. If it were reversed I know I wouldn't be able to up and leave work for that.
I assume if it had been a life threatening situation (she was sent to the hospital, ect...) you would have left work? Or tried...I guess it depends on the level of the relationship. Married? Yes, leave work. Long term relationsihp, living together? probably yes. Dating? Eh, tough call depends on how long and her condition. I would be concerned, but I doubt work would move mountains for me to visit a bf... (harsh but true)....but you go as soon as you can.
I think you're probably in the right here. If she was really concerned about the creepy tow truck guy, she would have been texting or calling if nothing else to make sure someone would notice if she went missing or screamed for help.
Did you tell her that you thought she was okay and would have called if otherwise? While it may have been unreasonable for her to think you should leave work - and she should at least acknowledge that, it isn't really something you should get worked up about either. This shouldn't be a relationship ending miscommunication...just a learning experience for both of you.
Well, if you aren't willing to do it, lots of other guys will.
If you two are kickin' it like that and she doesn't do this kind of thing all the time, you should have at least called. That would have showed her (in her mind) that you were concerned about her. Learn from this: this things go into a secret account to be used against you later
I understand the "if you don't do it others will" stuff. I've heard it before, and you know what, if you feel you need that as leverage, then go find that guy.
I should have called. You are right, but let's say this happens again. She gets her car fixed and it breaks down. If the circumstances were similar, does she expect me to leave work? That's where I have issues with this.
Okay - I think you're right with number 1 - you probably should have called (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you really were going to call later).
Honestly, if it were me and my SO was at work - I probably would have called and asked him to look up a phone number for me so I could call for a tow....but then, if her dad was picking her up I may have just called the parents for that number too. But if I called my SO, I would expect he could take the 5 mins to find a number for me. I would not expect him to leave work. If it were reversed I know I wouldn't be able to up and leave work for that.
I assume if it had been a life threatening situation (she was sent to the hospital, ect...) you would have left work? Or tried...I guess it depends on the level of the relationship. Married? Yes, leave work. Long term relationsihp, living together? probably yes. Dating? Eh, tough call depends on how long and her condition. I would be concerned, but I doubt work would move mountains for me to visit a bf... (harsh but true)....but you go as soon as you can.
I think you're probably in the right here. If she was really concerned about the creepy tow truck guy, she would have been texting or calling if nothing else to make sure someone would notice if she went missing or screamed for help.
Did you tell her that you thought she was okay and would have called if otherwise? While it may have been unreasonable for her to think you should leave work - and she should at least acknowledge that, it isn't really something you should get worked up about either. This shouldn't be a relationship ending miscommunication...just a learning experience for both of you.
Yeah that's what I see it as, miscommunication. If anything I'd like to hear from others on how they see it- to validate my feelings, and hers. It's something that we have to definitely work out, and her totally having her way with these situations isn't the answer.
We have been dating 15 almost 16 months, so the length of the relationship doesn't warrant me dropping everything for a grown woman who has to sit and wait for a tow truck.
It's simply being considerate making sure everything was fine and she was home okay. It's not that difficult. I'd do it just for a friend in the same situation.
Additionally, all I read and hear is how much a man needs to feel 'needed' and when the opportunity presents itself as it has here there is whining and complaint.
I'm raising an eyebrow at your thread title, as it seems to imply that "we" ladies, are all guilty somehow of playing that role. Hopefully, I am just misinterpreting here.
In any event, yes you should have called, absolutely. Being focused on work is great, but checking up on your lady after she has been stranded should have been at the top of your list.
As for offering to go pick her up...eh. I suspect that if you had at least stated that you wished you could offer to pick her up (explaining that you could not of course) then that would have sufficed. I think this would be perfectly acceptable and thoughtful. Most any mature adult would understand the demands of a job.
per OP
she feels neglected.
new years predictions
you will be traded soon for a better model.
one that acts more concerned.
the bad news you will be w/o a girlfriend
and she will probably go pick up a codependent that will orbit fine around her, which she will 1st think is love, but
she will soon loath him.
happier days in the new year.
If my dh broke down, I'd be on the horn with him until I knew he was home. Obviously, it wouldn't be about him being a damsel. If it were the winter time, I'd be more worried - does he have emergency gear to deal with the cold, etc. If I had to be in a meeting, I'd let him know and keep my phone with me and on vibrate. But, we're married/family and older. I'd react the same way if it were my mom, his mom, sibling, whatever. OTOH, I would be surprised if my dh expected me to pick him up if he had another way of dealing with it.
If the situation had been reversed and it was my husband who had broken down I would have rang him to see that he was getting assistance or gone to pick him myself.
This is not a male/female thing.
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Hopefully, I am just misinterpreting here. 
