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I posted this on Parenting, but I know a lot of people here have likely been through something similar and may not frequent that forum. I'll attempt to keep it brief.
I am being faced with a possible dilemma again. My ex seems to have landed a permanent job finally. In a few months when my lease it up, if the job seems to be going well, I have the opportunity to move up to the NoVA area so the kids can be closer to him.
My dilemma is basicly whether it's worth the risk that the job may not work out, and possibly compromising my own happiness (I've met someone), so that the kids can be near their father. I do want to do what is best for them.
There are of course other considerations. My family lives closer to where the man I care for lives, though still a couple of hours away. The cost of living is less. Plus, I could go back to college sooner, allowing me to be more financially stable in the future. Going to school would still be possible in VA, it just may take a little longer due to finances and residency requirements. It may be necessary as well to live over an hour away from their father due to the high cost of living in that area.
I'd like to hear from anyone that's had to choose, and why you made that decision. Whether it be to move closer to the other parent, or that you chose to move away from your kids and how you and the kids handled it.
Last edited by floridadreamer; 12-29-2009 at 12:00 PM..
I appreciate your thinking about the welfare of your kids, and the willingness to put them before your needs. Having said that, I think you have A LOT to lose personally, and nothing to gain personally, by moving. But, the kids will be closer to their dad.
Why don't you wait like 6 mo - a yr, to see how this job of his pans out? B/c if it doesn't, you'll have moved for nothing, and will have lost a lot. Also, you can see what direction your current relationship is going, and if you will be making things more permanent with him, you will be less inclined to move. But if it doesn't work out, and your ex's new job looks like it's really working out, you may want to move.
I'd be waiting at least 5 months anyway, my lease ends at the end of May. In the end, the decision may have to be based on finances, but I'm trying to get some input from people that may have been through living away from their kids as well. Why they felt that decision was best for everyone involved.
How old are your kids? I don't think YOU should be considering a move anywhere based on something your ex is doing. Do what's best for you and the kids will adjust accordingly. Visitation is still possible and there is nothing stopping you from living closer at a later date. You don't seem to have any good reason to move at this point so my advice is DON'T. Remember, even happily married couples with kids are sometimes apart for long periods of time for various reasons.
How old are your kids? I don't think YOU should be considering a move anywhere based on something your ex is doing. Do what's best for you and the kids will adjust accordingly. Visitation is still possible and there is nothing stopping you from living closer at a later date. You don't seem to have any good reason to move at this point so my advice is DON'T.
My kids are 3 and 19 months. One of the reasons I am considering the move is that I do need help with them. His visits are infrequent enough now that the only way I get a break is to take them to the gym with me two hours a day. The other options are paying through the nose for a babysitter so I could go to the movies once in awhile, or get a part time job to pay for them to go to daycare part time. And the job wouldn't cover the cost of daycare for the two of them at $7.25/hr or whatever it would be now for a simple day job.
There is also the fact that I want to go back to college. Here in FL I could do it but have to pay for childcare completely on my own for at least 6 months while waiting for childcare assistance to kick in. SD has a shorter waiting list I believe and I don't need residency to go to a tech school. VA childcare assistance is a really long wait I believe. I'd have to wait to be a resident, and likely end up having to wait until they are both in school to go.
I am in FL, my family is in SD. I could move there to be near them, and have the very nice benefit of getting to know my gentleman friend better, but SD woudn't be my first choice of places to live. What I am in need of is a support system, whether it be my family or their dad.
I plan to move by summertime, whether it be to SD or to VA, I don't know. The FL heat is getting to me enough that I pretty much rather put up with cold weather, even though I am not a big fan of it.
My Mom had to move my brother and myself away from my Dad for better opportunities. We moved when I was 12yrs old and my brother was 10yrs old. Realistically, we only moved an hour and a half away and it was still too far for regular visits. My Dad only came to see us 5x in 5yrs and that was only bc he was near the area. We saw him every other weekend besides that bc he would meet half way, but even when you are that close (which it is close) it doesnt feel like much of a relationship. So if your moving to be closer to your ex for your kids sake and your still going to be at least an hour away, just really weigh out if its that much more worth it. My mom and dad both work full time and back then it was hard enough for them to each have time off at the same time in order to swap my brother and I. In my opinion you need to do whats best for you and your children. My Mom did that for us and bc of it she gave me more opportunities then I would've ever had living closer to my Dad (bc of the area). I still had a relationship with him which was great, but my brother and I always knew he was just a phone call away.
You will be doing so much for your kids by taking care of yourself and your education and being strong enough to do it on your own. I understand your ex took a job further away for the money, but he made that choice and he will be able to see them and like I said he's just a phone call away. And being that they are so young they can have get-aways with him. Maybe switch every week or 2 weeks. Whatever works for you. That way he can pay for day care during those weeks and you on the other weeks. You just have to find a way to meet in the middle.
Oh wait didn't realize you 2 were THAT far away. Well anyway, figure out a way for you and your ex to work out seeing the kids however it will work for you.
Good luck!
Last edited by Ablees8951; 12-29-2009 at 01:11 PM..
FL does have pre-k care that is covered by the state, and every child is eligible for that. So that would free you up during the days quite a bit.
I would sooner count on your family for support than an ex. Just b/c you move closer doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be watching them more often, or as much as you like. And if he starts seeing someone, it'll probably be a lot less often.
FL does have pre-k care that is covered by the state, and every child is eligible for that. So that would free you up during the days quite a bit.
I would sooner count on your family for support than an ex. Just b/c you move closer doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be watching them more often, or as much as you like. And if he starts seeing someone, it'll probably be a lot less often.
FL does have pre-k care that is covered by the state, and every child is eligible for that. So that would free you up during the days quite a bit.
I would sooner count on your family for support than an ex. Just b/c you move closer doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be watching them more often, or as much as you like. And if he starts seeing someone, it'll probably be a lot less often.
Yes, they do, but he won't be in that for at least two years. His birthday is in October.
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