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You ask a good question here because the first boyfriend I had we dated for 6 years (High School through some college) and he was ready to get married. I found out that he was going to propose and I told him not to. Well I was 19 and not ready.
This last guy I thought was the one when we were together. I guess that is why if feels as though it is a slap in the face. I'm not still hung on it because even if he was wanting me back I wouldn't go back. And looking back now of what we had and the things I didn't like about him; no I don't believe I would have wanted to be married to him for the rest of my life.
Good answer! One of the things I try to tell younger folks who are considering marriage is this.... When you're thinking of settling down, figure out what traits you are looking for in a man/woman. Make these realistic things....not superficial, immature things, but the really important ones. Do they have good manners? Are they dependable? Responsible? Do they have good work ethics? Do they like kids? Do you? Are they selfish? Generous? Ask yourself what you have to bring to the table. Are you "settling" for someone who isn't who you want to spend the rest of your life with, just because you don't want to be alone...are afraid of being the last single person standing?
When you meet someone, there shouldn't be a list of flaws about that person that you want to change. If you have a page-long "wish list" (I wish he/she didn't do this...I wish he/she would do that)...you likely aren't with the right person. Do not stay with someone who has a whole lot of things that you want changed. It's entirely likely that the person will NEVER change. Look at it like this...hehe..... Imagine that those "little" flaws are typed out on a piece of paper...in neat, 12 point font. After a few years...those very same "little" flaws my be in 24 point, bold, ALL CAPS....and they're gonna take up a whole lot more room on the paper. Does that make sense. Those little things that you thought might change over time, when they grow up, when you're together longer, etc., can become HUGE irritants.
When you and these guys hooked up...did you have some 12 point font things that irritated them? Are there some things about them that you are extremely glad you didn't see blown up to 24 point font? LOL
The right person is out there for you. There's someone for everyone. Sometimes, we just get in a hurry and don't wait for the right one to come along....Meanwhile, folks need to be worried about turning themselves into someone who is actually marriageable! ...course, if they ever DO want to get married.... Hey, it's not for everyone! LOL IMHO
I've seen that happen quite a few times... A good friend of mine dated a guy for 11 years (started in Jr high) and 3 weeks after breaking up he was engaged to a woman he just met, after telling my friend multiple times he wasn't interested in marriage.
Some single people, mostly women, consider themselves always interested in marriage. But then there's a significant number of people, myself included that are never interested in marriage... until the right person comes along and yhen suddenly marrying that special person and then growing old with them seems like the perfect and logical thing to do.
And when I am single, if there are no single men available to me that I really like and am impressed with, then I have no interest in dating anyone. After all, why waste time dating with someone that just isn't my type and whose company makes me to be with? Why compromise? And what if Mr. Right walks into my life and I am not immediately available to give my heart to him? It wouldn't seem right to me to have to dump Mr. Mediocre to be with Mr. Right. And I wouldn't want to be dumped for the same reason.
Anyway, it takes time to find that special person that you fall in love and want to spend the rest of your life with... and the majority of available single people just aren't that person, even if they are a nice, decent and moderately attractive person. And even if the O.P. were technically more beautiful than the woman her ex married, beauty isn't everything.
The most obvious thing I see is that perhaps you waited too long. Many people seem to marry a new person after a brief courtship before the routine of a long term relationship sets in. I'm not advocating marrying someone you just met, but it is something I have noticed over and over again in my own life.
I think you are right about this...This tends to happen a lot
Also, since you were living together since day 1 there really wasn't a challenge or a reason for him to step up. My daughter was in this position once and couldn't figure out why the relationship didn't feel good even though they were practically living as man and wife. I told her it was because he never had to win her over, she was already there, in his apartment, being his friend, playing house. They never dated. The only thing he had to do was start sleeping with her to take them from roommates to couple. It was @ss backwards if you ask me, and it was doomed to fail. And right around the 3 year mark it did.
As for what you said above, I think you are probably right about that too. I never wanted to live with a boyfriend before engagement/marriage anyway because of the very same reason. It just so happened we really liked each other and that we had lived together.
I'm not still hung on it because even if he was wanting me back I wouldn't go back.
I don't mean that you're still hung up on it like you want to get back together with him... just that you're still analyzing a relationship that ended TWO years ago by thinking his engagement is somehow a reflection on you or your former relationship with him, which it's not. It happened two years ago and she's not even the girl he left you for. To be honest, that comes across as rather self absorbed because fact is, his engagement has nothing to do with you but you're insistant on thinking it does. It's time to close the book and move on.
Okay, so you admit you're stereotyping and judging the OP based on knowing absolutely nothing about her sex life but only based on how you perceive society?
Hi PA2UK,
For the sake of expediency, yep.
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That's not how I see it... but if you must know, the guy I slept with upon first meeting him was the brother of my friend's best friend. My friend had known this guy for 5+ years - though I hadn't met him before, my friend could confirm he was a good guy. Although I didn't know him, he wasn't just some random stranger and I trusted my friends judgment in people (because she has very high expectations of people). So yes, in this case I WOULD have given him a key to my car or house the same day I met him. Not permanently of course because there'd be no reason to do so. But lets say I needed to move my car because it was in a spot where the parking time zone was coming to an end and he offered to do so for me for some reason? Sure, I would have trusted him because like I say... the brother of my friend's best friend.
You don't need to explain it to me. You can live as you like. I am the kind of guy that doesn't single action the hammer on the word of another, but brings a pistol anyway. I would not give anyone my key the day we met.
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Anyway, all of this is MOOT because for starters, this topic is not about debating the acceptability of having sex on the first day you meet someone and secondly and more importantly, you don't know when the OP first had sex with any of her exes. You're still just making assumptions and judgments and if you can't see how wrong that is, clearly nothing will. Shame.
That was your insecurity. Why do you care what I think?
She was almost certainly having sex with them. The earlier you give it up, the more likely you are good for now.
How much debt did you pay off? And what was that debt due to? A s/o having a high amount of personal debt is a valid concern, and their partner shouldn't have to be responsible for helping to pay it off. Even if that partner were getting big military bonuses for deployments. Your high personal debt could have be a red flag for him. Really no one would want to marry anyone with a high amount of debt or a tendency to get into debt. And his advice to you would have been valid had he just been a friend.
It sounds to me that you are resentful for paying off your debt, but not getting a marriage out of it. I hope that your drive to pay off your debts was not mostly fueled by your desire to marry this guy. You should have wanted to do that all on your own.
No. Not really. All that wonderful love feelings in the beginning of a relationship are just crush feelings based on infatuation. And that infatuation is based on physical attraction and sexual lust. It's also commonly known as "the honeymoon period" of a relationship and it generally wears off after 3-5 years. And after that period of crush feelings, if a couple really loves each other, then it's more likely to be a real and true love relationship.
Being in any romantic relationship that lasts for three years doesn't mean that the couple is all set and is ready for marriage vows.
NO!!!! When children are going to be involved, you just have to really make sure that the two of you are right for each other. And I speak as a woman of 51 years. Marriage is very very serious stuff, especially if you want to have kids and raise them properly in a home with two happy parents.
If you only give yourself two years to decide if he's "the one", then you are only going to end up with a sperm donor and an unhappy marriage and divorce. And DON'T you count on the man being the one to support you and the kids financially. It's not fair to consider the man your meal ticket. With your relationship track record, you'd better figure out a Plan B for how to raise your kids without the financial support of a man.
For you, I recommend being more careful and picky before starting any romantic relationship. That way, you will stop wasting time with the wrong type of guys, two years at a time. Geesh. Don't start dating any guy just because you both have the hots for each other. Make sure that you both have the same long term goals and priorities. Make sure that he is best friend (to you) material. And make sure that he wants to have kids also. And if he is the right kind of guy to marry, he will stick around while you get to know him better before dating and sleeping with him.
So why do you want to have children so badly? If you love the company of kids so much, consider becoming a teacher or work at a daycare.
How much debt did you pay off? That's really of none ones buisness and like I said I was just shy of paying it all off. And i've always been responsible with finances. So why do you want to have children so badly? If you love the company of kids so much, consider becoming a teacher or work at a daycare.
Because having your own kids and working with kids are two entirely different. I've known from a young age that i've always wanted to be a mom and have a family. Is that so bad? I don't want to work with other peoples children sorry.
Never understood that mentality and attitude. Do women feel more worthy when a man "wins her over"? What is the point? And it comes across as very demeaning to the man as if the woman is the prize asset and the man is a nobody and he has to jump through hoops just to "win her over". And perhaps his feelings of being valued is irrelevant.
Both people should be jumping through hoops to win each other over.
Dating, courtship, etc. is when you should be putting your best foot forward and giving the other person a reason to want to be with you and showing them what you are bringing to the table. By ignoring this step you loose out big time and usually end up settling for whoever sticks around.
How much debt did you pay off? That's really of none ones buisness and like I said I was just shy of paying it all off. And i've always been responsible with finances.
Why wouldn't you tell us how much you were in debt and why you were in debt? You are anonymous here and there is no way we could find your true identity even if we wanted to. But however much it was, obviously it bothered your ex or he wouldn't have mentioned it as a road block.
And I am truly happy for your sake that you are now out of debt. And I hope that you stay that way in the future unless it's to buy real estate.
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So why do you want to have children so badly? If you love the company of kids so much, consider becoming a teacher or work at a daycare.
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Because having your own kids and working with kids are two entirely different. I've known from a young age that i've always wanted to be a mom and have a family. Is that so bad? I don't want to work with other peoples children sorry.
So did you ex want to have kids?
And if having kids is so important to you, then having a military man for a husband is not the best father for your future children. Future deployments, a possibility of death or war injury, and if he is a career military man, a future filled with many moves... and all that moving is really tough on kids. They really hate to be uprooted and to have to keep leaving their best friends and having to make new ones.
There you go again, making assumptions about people you know nothing about. I'm not even sure what you think was my insecurity.
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Why do you care what I think?
I cared because I didn't want the OP to think any rational, sane person agreed with you. I didn't want her to feel unnecessarily guilty about her choices - she needs to move on, not dwell on it even more.
Why wouldn't you tell us how much you were in debt and why you were in debt? You are anonymous here and there is no way we could find your true identity even if we wanted to. But however much it was, obviously it bothered your ex or he wouldn't have mentioned it as a road block..
She said it was none of your business so why ask again? Can't you accept a simple answer?
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Originally Posted by miu
And if having kids is so important to you, then having a military man for a husband is not the best father for your future children. Future deployments, a possibility of death or war injury, and if he is a career military man, a future filled with many moves... and all that moving is really tough on kids. They really hate to be uprooted and to have to keep leaving their best friends and having to make new ones.
That is just crap! Military families may have some hardships, but I've met hundreds of military families, with kids, who are doing just fine thank you very much. These men and women sacrifice a lot for our country, and for you to basically call them bad parents is just BS Oh, and by the way, I'm a child of a military family. My parents have been married 45 years, including the two when my Dad was in Vietnam.
Oh, and I also know dozens of people who met, married, and had kids in less than a two year time span. Yes, dozens who are still happily married 10, 20, 30, 40 years later. In fact, I know very few people who dated someone for over two years and ended up broken up. Oh, and I know two people who dated their boyfriend for SEVEN years, got married, and then divorced six months later. Dating a longer time is no guarantee that the husband won't suddenly reveal himself to be an abusive alcoholic.
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Don't start dating any guy just because you both have the hots for each other. Make sure that you both have the same long term goals and priorities. Make sure that he is best friend (to you) material. And make sure that he wants to have kids also. And if he is the right kind of guy to marry, he will stick around while you get to know him better before dating and sleeping with him.
Oh, and by the way, I'm a child of a military family. My parents have been married 45 years, including the two when my Dad was in Vietnam.
