You've heard the saying "opposites attract" (marry, man, love)
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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Originally Posted by TaoistDude
Opposites do not make for good, lasting relationships. Yes, there is often an attraction for someone different - that's because their differences can be intriguing. However, relationships where the differences are considerable don't last as readily, and aren't as happy or successful as relationships where the two people are more similar.
Researchers looked at this in an article I saw recently. Couples who have similar values, goals, beliefs, and some shared interests (they don't have to have everything in common, mainly core values) tend to have better, lasting relationships.
The best relationship of my life is my current relationship, and I deliberately sought someone with high compatibility. We are different in many ways, but not in any key areas that would contribute to conflict or instability. We actually share more interests in common than most (successful) couples, and find that this provides evem more opportunities to share ideas and experiences.
The researches also dispelled the myth that couples grow more similar over time - they found that compatible couples started out being similar, and stayed that way.
I agree with this. My guy and I are so much alike it amazes us but our differences compliment each other.
As long as the Super Glue (great hot sex) is present in the relationship, who cares if you like Aesop's Fables, he likes Marcel Proust, you go to Argentina, he goes to Alaska for vacations, you like TV, he hates TV, he works the nite shift, you work day shift.
With my current roommate of 11 years, (similar to having a relationship) we're like Siamese twins, but no sex, we're so much alike that even our eyelids open and close at the exact same time. It would be a real problem if there were only one bathroom in the house!
I've seen too many couples with the exact same interests, and the sight of and sounds from them have never stirred up my jealousies.
I've been in opposite relationships where I stood to gain enormously, without them I probably would never have taken up downhill skiing, tennis or lent an ear to the pleasures of classical music.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,998,362 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by tijlover
As long as the Super Glue (great hot sex) is present in the relationship, who cares if you like Aesop's Fables, he likes Marcel Proust, you go to Argentina, he goes to Alaska for vacations, you like TV, he hates TV, he works the nite shift, you work day shift.
With my current roommate of 11 years, (similar to having a relationship) we're like Siamese twins, but no sex, we're so much alike that even our eyelids open and close at the exact same time. It would be a real problem if there were only one bathroom in the house!
I've seen too many couples with the exact same interests, and the sight of and sounds from them have never stirred up my jealousies.
I've been in opposite relationships where I stood to gain enormously, without them I probably would never have taken up downhill skiing, tennis or lent an ear to the pleasures of classical music.
My ex husband and I had one thing in common, we were physically compatible, very attracted to each other that way. Once we left the bedroom (or where ever we ended up) it was world war III. Great sex is just not enough to hold a relationship together.
I just had a brief discussion with someone regarding this very topic.
I've always thought a silly (but applicable) illustration for a perfect relationship is to lay your hand, palm down, on a flat surface; and then lay your other hand, also palm down, atop it.
The middle fingers match up; the index and ring fingers are close, but seldom an exact match, while the pinkies and thumbs are just WAY off.
A good couple has simply GOT to have enough common ground so they can share footing; and then they've got to share some interests -- perhaps she'll never love nature hikes the way I do, but she doesn't loathe them, enjoys them once in a while; maybe I'll never love art galleries with the same passion she has, but I enjoy them once in a while and it doesn't even remotely gall me to attend one.
And then people need to maintain a certain sense of self in order to feel whole. Even among couples there tends to be a need for just a little personal pursuit, some ME time -- but the pinkie and thumb, while critical, are smaller than the rest and certainly don't outweigh the whole package. It's that security to say to a person hey, I'm not into that but YOU go ahead, I'll see you later when you get home.
Opposites can be charming, intriguing because they're different, they represent the new and exciting; but excitement is just another form of passion and while passion is heady, it's no way to lay a solid foundation for a lasting relationship.
eh, love is a mystery. I don't know that there is a secret to it - if there were, we would arrange practical marriages instead of relying on something as difficult to define, and as impractical as love.
My husband and I are opposites. If I had made a list prior to meeting him, and had stuck to that list, we would not ever have married. I'm an introvert, and he is an extrovert's extrovert. He likes opera - I have tried but I'm not going to learn to like it in this lifetime. At best I endure. Although he grew up on a farm, he is as he has described his father - a farmer "at heart" but without any real, practical or instinctive knowledge of what farming involves. I tend to be a peacemaker, and my husband likes to get people riled up with provocative remarks for no reason at all.
The one thing we have in common is a love of ideas and knowledge.
He's messy, I'm neat. I could go on.
And we've been married almost 20 years. I do wonder sometimes what it would be like to be married to someone who shared my interests. It's hard to imagine how life might be after such a long time.
My husband's extroversion and different interests have pushed me into places I would never have thought of going if left to myself. And some of my qualities, rather than simply being something to be endured by him, have over time become qualities he cherishes.
eh, love is a mystery. I don't know that there is a secret to it - if there were, we would arrange practical marriages instead of relying on something as difficult to define, and as impractical as love.
My husband and I are opposites. If I had made a list prior to meeting him, and had stuck to that list, we would not ever have married. I'm an introvert, and he is an extrovert's extrovert. He likes opera - I have tried but I'm not going to learn to like it in this lifetime. At best I endure. Although he grew up on a farm, he is as he has described his father - a farmer "at heart" but without any real, practical or instinctive knowledge of what farming involves. I tend to be a peacemaker, and my husband likes to get people riled up with provocative remarks for no reason at all.
The one thing we have in common is a love of ideas and knowledge.
He's messy, I'm neat. I could go on.
And we've been married almost 20 years. I do wonder sometimes what it would be like to be married to someone who shared my interests. It's hard to imagine how life might be after such a long time.
My husband's extroversion and different interests have pushed me into places I would never have thought of going if left to myself. And some of my qualities, rather than simply being something to be endured by him, have over time become qualities he cherishes.
I would dare say that love of ideas and knowledge is, while a singular(ish) item on a list, VAST in application.
People who love to explore, who prefer solution and answer to "winning", who can share pleasure in new things and find those new things not merely interesting but exciting -- it's the stuff that keeps conversations going, keeps the friendship aspect of a relationship alive, and such people are prone to flexibility.
I'm always reminded of a movie (the title of which I cannot recall) wherein Jimmy Stewart says to a young man who is courting a girl "Well, son... do ya like her?"
The boy looks both perplexed and proud, and says "Sir, I LOVE her!"
Stewart replies "Well I know ya LOVE her, son -- but do ya LIKE her?"
I'd say of all the combinations of opposites vs similarities, you got the best bunch! You can love them, but you've got to also like them, and flexibility helps with that!
Does anybody else feel like they are in a realtionship where each of you like to do totally different things? Therefore, you feel like you're missing out on alot b/c your SO doesn't do alot of things you like? I know I can do alot of it with friends, but I just would like to enjoy it with my DH.
I enjoy the shopping and going out to eat, but it gets old doing the same thing all the time.
The esteemed and mysterious Mr. Yin/Yang is honored to address your concern. Please place $0.25 in the coin slot and we will begin...
...*clink*...
"In ancient Chinese philosophy there lies a cornerstone principle of the Universe, and this principle is illustrated with the symbol known as "Yin/Yang".
It signifies, in the most sublime sense, the concept of balance in everything we do. While the "ancient" (*chuckle, chuckle*) American philosophy of "Live Fast, Die Young and Leave A Good-Looking Corpse" does seem to rally your people to certain causes, for the most part your people are not unlike a scattered bunch of rice grains in a tsunami.
You say "Tomato", he says "Tomahto" - it doesn't matter. Indeed, you are following the complimentary nature of the Yin/Yang principle. But remember - the main factor in achieving a dynamic Yin/Yang partnership is BALANCE.
Without balance, you simply become two opposites floating aimlessly in space. You might occasionally bump into each other when your orbits collide, but for the most part you make your way through the void cold and alone.
But WITH balance, you become a complimentary pair. Note that the Yin/Yang symbol contains a little white dot within the black section and vice-versa. This signifies that within good there is some evil, within happiness there is some sadness, and within a relationship there should be just enough room to comfortably indulge in your own personal quests while still devoting a majority of your time to the relationship.
Mr. Yin/Yang's Personal Recommendation:
Do only a few things with your friends, but many with your SO. If you both find your interests constantly drifting apart, perhaps you need to sit down and have a lengthy mediation (or meditation ) upon the true nature of the relationship.
Remember, Confucius says...
Quote:
When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.
Opposites do not make for good, lasting relationships. Yes, there is often an attraction for someone different - that's because their differences can be intriguing. However, relationships where the differences are considerable don't last as readily, and aren't as happy or successful as relationships where the two people are more similar.
Researchers looked at this in an article I saw recently. Couples who have similar values, goals, beliefs, and some shared interests (they don't have to have everything in common, mainly core values) tend to have better, lasting relationships.
The best relationship of my life is my current relationship, and I deliberately sought someone with high compatibility. We are different in many ways, but not in any key areas that would contribute to conflict or instability. We actually share more interests in common than most (successful) couples, and find that this provides evem more opportunities to share ideas and experiences.
The researches also dispelled the myth that couples grow more similar over time - they found that compatible couples started out being similar, and stayed that way.
I agree. There are certain differences you can easily overcome. But some things go to the core of who you are (spirituality for example) and being on the same page as the other person becomes especially important. That's not to say it's impossible to work around those differences, just that it's a lot harder. One danger in finding someone exactly like you is if they reinforce your negative qualities. For example, if you're someone who's passive-aggressive, imagine if you married someone who was as well. Having the same interests is fine, but having the same values, beliefs, etc. is far more important than whether you both like football.
I've never personally subscribed to "opposites attract". In a short term, sexual chemistry kind of way sure. In a long term successful relationship way I simply cannot see how it works.
I think it is crucial for people to have the same ideals and goals in life and the share fundamental values or the strain IMO will eventually pull you apart. Having shared interests is a boon but having shared ideals is even more important.
For example I could never have fallen in love ( never mind married) a homophobic, racist bigot or someone whose political ideas were in the opposite direction of mine. How could I possibly respect someone whose values were so diametrically different ?
It is important to remain an individual in any relationship and having different tastes is going to keep things fresh and a lot more interesting. Different to a certain extent that is.
If you absolutely despise Rap ( silly example I know) and your other half lives for it I think it will make things a lot more difficult as a couple. Too many differences and the cracks begin to happen in my opinion. If both of you are lukewarm about it it will not be an issue.
I know many couples who almost live separate lives because of the disparity in their lifestyles, goals, ambitions and tastes. Certain differences are good, too many and it becomes divisive and relationships are hard enough without having to deal with a spouse who wants to spend every free moment collecting Disney china figurines or attending Star Trek conventions.
Being similar without being carbon copies of each other smoothes things and makes the machinery of marriage/relationships a lot easier to run.
Our differences allow us to view things from a different perspective and to hopefully appreciate a different side to life , they enable us to keep a little excitement and mystery going, nobody wants to live with someone too predictable.
But when differences pull you apart as they inevitably will if they are too great then you either end up with strife and an eventual dissolution of the relationship or possibly more common, one partner will "put up" with the other and both parties end up resentful and despondent, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated.
Human beings thrive on a sense of "kinship" ,of belonging and when it comes to intimacy huge gaps in ideologies and even tastes can simply be a fast-track to relationship oblivion.
Hubby is very different in many ways than I am, his personality traits vary from mine quite substantially but still we are pulling together in the same direction as a team. He still can surprise me and hopefully likewise for me but nonetheless we have more in common than in disparity .
If he was a jock wanting to spend every waking hour watching sports or drinking with his buddies we would have a serious problem when what makes me happy is the opposite... And if I wanted to talk endlessly and bore him silly with girlie chat and shopping I suspect our relationship would also be doomed as he would be miserable.
Both parties must be in harmony to work as a whole.
My ex husband and I had one thing in common, we were physically compatible, very attracted to each other that way. Once we left the bedroom (or where ever we ended up) it was world war III. Great sex is just not enough to hold a relationship together.
Agreed. Great sex is not enough to maintain a long term relationship. IMO the couple needs to have the same long term life goals, such has having kids or their definition of financial security. Money disagreements are the biggest reason for divorces.
I just heard that one of my old co-workers stayed in a bad marriage for decades just because she didn't want to lose her house. She's divorced now and still has the house. I guess it's a great house since she just moved to FL with her new boyfriend and has put off selling her home until next spring.
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You can love them, but you've got to also like them, and flexibility helps with that!
) upon the true nature of the relationship. 
