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There has been lots of interesting conversation on this board about what it means to be a good husband or wife. And when someone should consider divorcing their spouse.
One of the main conflict points of many married couples is frequency of sex. In another post I told everyone I really do not have much of a sex drive and have always felt that the act of having sex was kind of ugly, dirty and unpleasant. It does not have anything to do with my wife, who is just wonderful, my feelings about sex would be the same no matter who I was married to.
I am sure my wife is telling her friends about our unsatisfactory sex life and they are telling her to demand more sex from her husband (me). They are probably saying that it is a husband's role to keep his wife happy sexually and romantically. But is that really the case?
Does a husband have a ethical and moral obligation in a marriage to have a sexual relationship? Just like his obligation of: being a good father, provider and communicator. (Remember, we can not fake interest like a woman can)
YES, he does, but then so does the wife (unless of course there are health issues preventing it).
Sex and intimacy are a big part of a successful marriage.
So I hope part of your counseling right now is to determine why you've lost interest and how to get it back.
Methinks if you want to do everything with someone (ixnaying the intimacy), you're just really good friends.
I mean, the only thing that separates my relationship with my friends and a girlfriend is the intimacy. In both kinds of relationships, I eat; watch movies; and go out.
There has been lots of interesting conversation on this board about what it means to be a good husband or wife. And when someone should consider divorcing their spouse.
One of the main conflict points of many married couples is frequency of sex. In another post I told everyone I really do not have much of a sex drive and have always felt that the act of having sex was kind of ugly, dirty and unpleasant. It does not have anything to do with my wife, who is just wonderful, my feelings about sex would be the same no matter who I was married to.
I am sure my wife is telling her friends about our unsatisfactory sex life and they are telling her to demand more sex from her husband (me). They are probably saying that it is a husband's role to keep his wife happy sexually and romantically. But is that really the case?
Does a husband have a ethical and moral obligation in a marriage to have a sexual relationship? Just like his obligation of: being a good father, provider and communicator. (Remember, we can not fake interest like a woman can)
I personally feel sex in any relationship with someone you love is very important. To feel that close and intimate with someone you care about is part of being in that relationship. If one person isn't happy, content, pleased about the other person's performance that might be a big issue in the long run.
That's where cheating, divorcing or being miserable comes into play. I feel both couples should at least have the same intimacy level, interests for the relationship to actually have a chance.
I don't think so, but what you won't do, another will. I know for me, every time I look at my lady from head to toe and notice those curves, I want to do naughty things to her, but she tells me, "The only time you're hitting this is on our wedding night, and not a moment before or after. The same applies to her.
I don't think there's any obligation to have a certain sex drive as long as you are upfront about it. However you have to be aware that the vast majority of people will have a hard time being in a relationship with a lackluster sex life.
To the subject if not the OP's particular dilemma:
Best is if you know what your mentality is about it ahead of time, so that your partner can make informed consent. If they also do not need sex, then you could both be content with a companionship that doesn't include that.
However, normally, people don't bother to be self aware, or they don't tell a partner such things, or they feel like they have a drive in the beginning, but it wanes. If you find yourself in a loving marriage except for a problematic mismatch in libido, there is some recourse to you. First rule out medical stuff. For men, testosterone levels can be checked. For women, what birth control you're on can have a SERIOUS effect on your drive. Once you've examined the chemical part of the situation, then there is the psychology of it. If you have trauma or programming that is holding you back, seek counseling for that, for instance. Then the question of, if there IS something that does it for you, but it simply is not your partner, such as for instance porn, are you willing to be experimental and try bringing that into the bedroom? Try to find ways to be playful, do acts of physical affection that simply feel good, with no imperative to achieve a certain result. Try to relax, it's supposed to be fun.
If it is the woman who feels that her drive is diminished (and I've known many wives who feel very guilty about this) go now and find the book called "Come As You Are." Read it. It will help. I promise. If you are a man who wants to understand how a woman's psycho-sexual apparatus functions, go get that book, and read it. The way it is written, honestly, from a literary standpoint in terms of structure, it could be better, but that isn't the point. There is information in that book that is PRICELESS.
And finally, if the disparity cannot be resolved, then no, I do not think that it's healthy for one partner to languish away feeling unloved and unfulfilled, nor the other to feel guilty and broken, because one wants sex and the other one doesn't. The other solutions are to consider an open marriage, or some other kind of "arrangement" (which should come with a lot of negotiation, about everything from rules of how much disclosure is desired and needful, to sexual health standards and practices)...or, if that is not an option, and it won't be for most people...then consider ending the relationship.
More significantly, consider modifying or ending it, BEFORE you hate each other. Rather than dragging it on until you do.
Of course the presence of children, and any other dependencies and entanglements, would complicate things a lot, but that's beyond the scope of this particular piece of advice.
I only speak to this, because it's a common enough problem. OP, one would hope, has after all these years, found some way to cope or some resolution.
Does a husband have a ethical and moral obligation in a marriage to have a sexual relationship? Just like his obligation of: being a good father, provider and communicator. (Remember, we can not fake interest like a woman can)
No, but it seems common sense to me that both genders pay attention to their mutual interest in sex before they pair off, AND not just talk about it. Actions speak louder than words.
I also find "sex for good behavior" an offensive practice.
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