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Old 01-05-2010, 08:45 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,092,051 times
Reputation: 3787

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
No offense, but I think your work with abused and neglected kids has greatly colored your perspective on this subject. But then I'm sure the kind of parents you know of first hand in your work would do that.

The point is, as I stated before, a kid DESERVES and NEEDS two parents - not just mom, not just dad. Unless mom REALLY had to go 11 hours away for a life or death reason, staying in the same area her child is in is for the best, no question about it. Parenting is a hands on job - you can't just "phone it in".
As I've stated before, two unhappy parents or one unhappy parent is just as damaging as you have decided living in a single parent family is.
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Old 01-05-2010, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
As I've stated before, two unhappy parents or one unhappy parent is just as damaging as you have decided living in a single parent family is.
That may well be, but there is no evidence our OP or her ex are unhappy miserable people who HAVE to move 11 hours away from their children to find "happiness".

In her situation she has now realized her mistakes and admits to needing to repair the damage this situation has done to her relationship with her children - sounds to me like doing THAT will make her really happy.
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Old 01-05-2010, 08:57 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
Letting a child's FATHER raise him isn't "shipping him off" or having happiness at the kid's expense. Doesn't Dad share any responsibility for the child he helped create?
She already said back in post #119 that dads are not disposable!

Clearly she is saying what I've been trying to say to you - this OP and her ex are both able to parent their child if the OP stays put - which is THE best case scenario for the kid because kids do better with TWO active, interested parents in their lives.
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Old 01-05-2010, 08:58 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,092,051 times
Reputation: 3787
Well initially she felt that moving to be this man would make her happy and she was certainly entitled to do so. Her relationship with her children was strained because children have been wrongly taught that they are the end all and be all of existence. If they truly cared about their mother's happiness and not of their own selfish selves it should have been okay. Both children are old enough to understand what was going on and BOTH had an open invitation to be with Mom, they Chose to be with Dad.

If these were young children or she was pawning them off on a stranger, or cutting off all contact forever, I'd feel differently, but the one was going to college and the other to live with DAD. And they both had an open invitation to come live with Mom or visit as much as they'd like. And there would have been visits.

Granted this man wasn't the right one, but I hope for her sake she doesn't cut herself off from finding someone just because she has a teenager. She will be sorry later when they're off living their lives and she's alone.
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Old 01-05-2010, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
Well initially she felt that moving to be this man would make her happy and she was certainly entitled to do so. Her relationship with her children was strained because children have been wrongly taught that they are the end all and be all of existence. If they truly cared about their mother's happiness and not of their own selfish selves it should have been okay. Both children are old enough to understand what was going on and BOTH had an open invitation to be with Mom, they Chose to be with Dad.

If these were young children or she was pawning them off on a stranger, or cutting off all contact forever, I'd feel differently, but the one was going to college and the other to live with DAD. And they both had an open invitation to come live with Mom or visit as much as they'd like. And there would have been visits.

Granted this man wasn't the right one, but I hope for her sake she doesn't cut herself off from finding someone just because she has a teenager. She will be sorry later when they're off living their lives and she's alone.


You aren't a parent yet are you?
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Old 01-05-2010, 09:01 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,092,051 times
Reputation: 3787
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
She already said back in post #119 that dads are not disposable!

Clearly she is saying what I've been trying to say to you - this OP and her ex are both able to parent their child if the OP stays put - which is THE best case scenario for the kid because kids do better with TWO active, interested parents in their lives.
How interested will those kids be when they have SOs? Do you think they'll stay put for Mom? And what if Mom is unable to find another SO? How welcome will she be in their lives when she's alone and lonely?
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Old 01-05-2010, 09:04 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
How interested will those kids be when they have SOs? Do you think they'll stay put for Mom? And what if Mom is unable to find another SO? How welcome will she be in their lives when she's alone and lonely?
Kids are SUPPOSED to grow up and go away from Mom and Dad - if you've parented them well they'll do it successfully.

But PARENTS are not supposed to go away from their kids who are still under the age of 18.
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Old 01-05-2010, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,092,051 times
Reputation: 3787
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
You aren't a parent yet are you?
Wrong. I just know how to balance life. Children are wonderful but they are not the beginning and end of life just like when they are adults, parents are not the end all and be all of their lives.

When children are young they need hand-on parenting. As they get older, they need to learn how to survive in a world that does not revolve around them. If you've done your job when they are young, by the time they are teens the hands-on should be minimal, it should be mostly guidance.
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Old 01-05-2010, 09:09 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,092,051 times
Reputation: 3787
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Kids are SUPPOSED to grow up and go away from Mom and Dad - if you've parented them well they'll do it successfully.

But PARENTS are not supposed to go away from their kids who are still under the age of 18.
If parents are not in the same household but working together, there is no reason one or both should not be able to move on with their romantic lives. And no reason the non-custodial parent who is only having visitation anyway can't move to another state or close country.
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Old 01-05-2010, 09:09 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
Wrong. I just know how to balance life. Children are wonderful but they are not the beginning and end of life just like when they are adults, parents are not the end all and be all of their lives.

When children are young they need hand-on parenting. As they get older, they need to learn how to survive in a world that does not revolve around them. If you've done your job when they are young, by the time they are teens the hands-on should be minimal, it should be mostly guidance.
Come back and share all your wisdom when you've actually successfully raised your own kids okay?
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