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But not fully raised and out the door yet, correct??
You've apparently got a lot of experience dealing with abused and neglected kids, and I respect that. But loving parents and their teens have a lot different relationship than you are used to seeing - and it is a VERY important relationship. Our OP put hers at risk by almost going off to be with this man who now turns out not to have been worth a second of her time. I'm just glad she caught her mistake before too much time had passed.
Wrong. I just know how to balance life. Children are wonderful but they are not the beginning and end of life just like when they are adults, parents are not the end all and be all of their lives.
When children are young they need hand-on parenting. As they get older, they need to learn how to survive in a world that does not revolve around them. If you've done your job when they are young, by the time they are teens the hands-on should be minimal, it should be mostly guidance.
And yes, kids do need to learn how to cope and survive GRADUALLY over time so that when they get out in the real world they'll be ready for all they face.
But wanting/needing your parents around when you are 14, 15, 16 or 17 is NOT the same thing as believing the world "revolves" around you There is still a lot of work to be done to prepare those under 18 to fly the nest - work that mom (or dad) can't do from 11 hours away.
I know the OP's issues are over so I won't address that anymore.
I'm all for single parents being happy, dating, etc. but leaving the country for a lover shouldn't be done in haste. Better not to be done at all if possible. Sure, kids CAN be fine with one parent, but it's not a situation we should go out of our way to create. Besides, like I've said before, statistically the new relationship won't last and then they will do it again, and again and the message sent to the kid is "being with someone I've just recently met is more important than being with you", or worse "I need a man/woman in order to be happy". Kids soon enough are off on their own and probably won't WANT to spend time with their parents.
Remember that old saying that nobody ever died wishing they spent more time at work? It's the same idea....except with sex.
Good lord. How about talking to some ADULT people who grew up where one of their parents went off to start a new love life, leaving their kids behind with the other parent. Ask them how they feel, and guess what -- they'll tell you they're angry or sad or bitter or some other painful emotion at having been left by a parent who would rather have been with another man or woman and start a whole new life than be fully involved in theirs. Ask them how they felt when dad went off with chickadee to live in Utah while they were left behind with mom in Iowa. Ask them. They are NOT happy about it. They spend lifetimes dealing with the hurt and confusion and often guilt.
You are just SO wrong about this it's insane. Leaving a child to fulfill your own "happiness" is so goddamn selfish and thoughtless and un-parent-like I cannot even begin to fathom anyone who actually thinks it's okay to do! I'm just gobsmacked. Seriously. That's just utterly IRRESPONSIBLE (since you seem to think bold/italic/underlined/red words are so much more powerful).
And just so we're clear, I was raised by two parents who took the marriage vows, "'Til death do us part" seriously. They were happily married for nearly 30 years until my mother died (far too young) of breast cancer. But I've seen enough of the wretched pain that parents inflict on children by their selfishness without having to have experienced it myself, to get that that kind of behavior has long-lasting, detrimental effects on children.
In the early 1970’s, Judith Wallerstein, began to study the effects of divorce on children. She studied a group of 131 children and their families who were going through the divorce process over a period of 25 years. In her book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, published in 2000, we learn that children really aren’t “resilient” and that divorce leaves children to struggle for a life-time with the residue of a decision their parents made.
According to Ms. Wallerstein, “If the truth be told, and if we are able to face it, the history of divorce in our society is replete with unwarranted assumptions that adults have made about children simply because such assumptions are congenial to adult needs and wishes. The myths that continue to guide our divorce policies and politics today stem from these direct attitudes.”
In other words we have become a society of adults who put their own needs and happiness before the emotional well-being of their children and justify it all by buying into the myth that children are resilient or time heals all wounds.
Letting a child's FATHER raise him isn't "shipping him off" or having happiness at the kid's expense. Doesn't Dad share any responsibility for the child he helped create?
Why do you have such a hard time with comprehension? Yes, she'd be shipping him off if SHE'S leaving!
As I've stated before, two unhappy parents or one unhappy parent is just as damaging as you have decided living in a single parent family is.
So if a custodial parent is "unhappy" , tha parent should just give up the kids to search for their "happiness"? Bull. The parent is the adult and needs to SUCK IT UP and just deal with it.
How interested will those kids be when they have SOs? Do you think they'll stay put for Mom? And what if Mom is unable to find another SO? How welcome will she be in their lives when she's alone and lonely?
Oh my god... just when I think you can't get any more ridiculous, you prove me wrong.
So mom only has the time until it takes her kid to become an adult to find another SO? Oh please, son will be 18 in 4 years, and mom won't even be 40 by then. What'll happen when the kid turns 18 and mom is single? Does she turn into a pumpkin or something?
And yes, the kids won't be all that interested when they go off on their own and have their own SO's. That's how life goes. If she raised them right, that'll be what happens. It won't be their responsibility to see that mom is happy. That'll depend on mom. And mom won't be responsible for them any longer.
If parents are not in the same household but working together, there is no reason one or both should not be able to move on with their romantic lives. And no reason the non-custodial parent who is only having visitation anyway can't move to another state or close country.
who said anything about not having romantic lives. You DON'T leave your kids behind to do that.
And you're wrong about the non-custodial parent moving to another state. Never a good idea in general. What you're saying is that parent is expendable. Or the kids are to that parent. I understand you grew up with one. I guess your other parent thought of you as so, and therefore, it's no wonder you think the way you do. Sad.
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There is still a lot of work to be done to prepare those under 18 to fly the nest - work that mom (or dad) can't do from 11 hours away.
, tha parent should just give up the kids to search for their "happiness"? Bull. The parent is the adult and needs to SUCK IT UP and just deal with it.
