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Hey Relationship forum folks! I was wondering if anyone could help me with this.
A month ago, I signed up for a dating website, and last week a woman gave me a "communication" (ie, I'm interested). We haven't actually spoken yet, but we're doing the "guided communication" on the site. She's very attractive, shares my religious views, and has a lot of qualities I'm looking for in a potential mate.
But one thing struck me as odd: In the "First Five Questions" that we ask each other, she asked me about my parents' marriage and how many kids I might want to have someday. Those struck me as unusual questions to ask the first time you meet someone online. I kept communicating anyway.
Then, we shared our "Must have/can't stand" list with each other, and again a lot of them were centered around marriage and family which, again, I thought was unusual to bring up when you're basically introducing each other. (I have not met her in person yet) BTW, I do want to get married and have a family some day, but I wasn't expecting to discuss this when I first meet someone.
Is it just me, or is this unusual? Due to my career, I haven't had much relationship experience, so I'm not really sure. I'd feel uncomfortable bringing those issues up with a woman until later in a relationship.
Any input?
Mackinac
As far as I am concerned, it is normal, but it is not desirable.
Some people might say that these statements/questions tell you "what she is looking for". Maybe they do, but more importantly, they tell you what her past relationships have been like. If she has such big hangups about children and marriage, that tells me that A) she knows what she wants and B) she hasn't been desirable enough to attain it.
If she says, "If you're just looking for sex, move on." or "I don't want any one night stands." - it doesn't matter that I agree - the point is she's (knowingly or not) been some other guy's sex toy. Somebody else, maybe many other men, have rejected her as a long term partner. It creates a great deal of suspicion.
Hey Relationship forum folks! I was wondering if anyone could help me with this.
A month ago, I signed up for a dating website, and last week a woman gave me a "communication" (ie, I'm interested). We haven't actually spoken yet, but we're doing the "guided communication" on the site. She's very attractive, shares my religious views, and has a lot of qualities I'm looking for in a potential mate.
But one thing struck me as odd: In the "First Five Questions" that we ask each other, she asked me about my parents' marriage and how many kids I might want to have someday. Those struck me as unusual questions to ask the first time you meet someone online. I kept communicating anyway.
Then, we shared our "Must have/can't stand" list with each other, and again a lot of them were centered around marriage and family which, again, I thought was unusual to bring up when you're basically introducing each other. (I have not met her in person yet) BTW, I do want to get married and have a family some day, but I wasn't expecting to discuss this when I first meet someone.
Is it just me, or is this unusual? Due to my career, I haven't had much relationship experience, so I'm not really sure. I'd feel uncomfortable bringing those issues up with a woman until later in a relationship.
Any input?
Mackinac
It is obvious that she has certain life goals and does not want to waste her time on an incompatible partner. Nothing wrong with that. She has every right to feel this stuff out as you do. It would be a waste of time for you and her to develop something if you have different wants in life.
For example, I never want to get married or have kids. And, I would not date a woman who wanted this stuff because we would not be compatible.
It does sound like an odd conversation to have over coffee with someone you just met. I think dating sites are different environment, though. Many people on there are probably tired of games or guessing or wasting time. I agree that it doesn't sound strange for a dating site.
Hey Relationship forum folks! I was wondering if anyone could help me with this.
A month ago, I signed up for a dating website, and last week a woman gave me a "communication" (ie, I'm interested). We haven't actually spoken yet, but we're doing the "guided communication" on the site. She's very attractive, shares my religious views, and has a lot of qualities I'm looking for in a potential mate.
But one thing struck me as odd: In the "First Five Questions" that we ask each other, she asked me about my parents' marriage and how many kids I might want to have someday. Those struck me as unusual questions to ask the first time you meet someone online. I kept communicating anyway.
Then, we shared our "Must have/can't stand" list with each other, and again a lot of them were centered around marriage and family which, again, I thought was unusual to bring up when you're basically introducing each other. (I have not met her in person yet) BTW, I do want to get married and have a family some day, but I wasn't expecting to discuss this when I first meet someone.
Is it just me, or is this unusual? Due to my career, I haven't had much relationship experience, so I'm not really sure. I'd feel uncomfortable bringing those issues up with a woman until later in a relationship.
Any input?
Mackinac
They just want to know where your head is at and what more or less you are wishing for in the future. Some people don't want to get into something that is not going to work out in the long run due to things like family or careers or children even. Why pursue something and like 5yrs later it's not going to work out because the other person does not feel the same way.
Yeah people do change their minds on a daily basis but some don't want to go ahead and get caught up with something or someone who is more or less not on their same level. feel me?
It does sound like an odd conversation to have over coffee with someone you just met. I think dating sites are different environment, though. Many people on there are probably tired of games or guessing or wasting time. I agree that it doesn't sound strange for a dating site.
This.
If you're on a dating site, the context of your meetup is really clear...it's to screen one another to see if they're what you are looking for and you're what the other is looking for. If soembody knows clearly what they want and don't want, they're not likely to want to waste a bunch of time tiptoing around the criteria that's important to them.
I'm not really adding to the conversation, I'm just chiming in my two cents after bothering to read everyone's responses and I agree with th majority of people that deal breaker questions should be asked early so no one waste's their time. Just please be honest with yourself. My ex said he wanted kids then after we married he didn't. Please note: he is now ex.
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