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Old 05-22-2007, 10:25 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 3,298,887 times
Reputation: 685

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Now let me be clear without being offensive...I mean "know" him in a biblical way...

I am often astonished when I hear people talk about how quickly they are willing to jump into bed with someone new. I have heard some day on the first date, some have said after 3 dates like thats a real accomplishment...

Like I have said, this is not about a religious belief of mine.. I can't do that, I feel I need to develop emotional intimacy with a person LONG before I want to complicate things with phyiscal intimacy.

I have of course learned from my mistakes, in the past I got the cart before the horse and once the physical intimacy got involved in the equation, it caused problems. I think it causes an artificial intimacy, one that does not HELP you work out real life problems AND then you have already been intimate so you feel you have to work things out...

I have been on my own for 5 years now and not been intimate with anyone. I dated a guy one time who was very pushy and frankly he nauseated me...I knew there was no way I would be with him that way from the way he treated the entire experience.

So what do you guys think?
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Old 05-22-2007, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 30,038,208 times
Reputation: 27689
I think we tend to rush into 'it' too fast. I am really interested in hearing what the guys have to say about this too.

I think we sort of expect men to be pushy. A friend of mine once told me her new man wasn't really interested in her. I asked why and she said they had been out 5 or 6 times and he had done nothing but kiss her goodnight and hold her hand. Now this same friend has also dropped men who wanted too much too fast. So how is a guy supposed to know how to act?

I guess search for a happy medium between virginal and depraved?
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Old 05-22-2007, 10:47 PM
 
Location: Vancouver, Canada
550 posts, read 2,825,849 times
Reputation: 549
A guy who is willing to wait, isn't pushy and respects your space is one who will stay around. IMO. They seem to want to get to know your personality first. This is a good sign!

Pushy guys are more under the "bad boy" list. At least this is what I have experienced.
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Old 05-22-2007, 10:51 PM
 
217 posts, read 845,387 times
Reputation: 55
reminds me of top gun "carnal knowledge of a lady on the premises" (or is it woman? anyhow...)

I couldn't imagine three dates, etc. with someone I'd just met. Somehow all of my relationships have been with people I'd known for some amount of time, so I think it's slightly different than someone I'd just met (who'd likely wait much longer). But the first guy I dated over a year and it never went that far. The second I was sleeping with about five months in and was with on and off about three years. The third, we talked about not waiting more than a week, but he'd been my best friend previous to that for three years, and we'd been close-ish for three months prior to that (lot of cuddling, etc. but nothing further) I don't think I'd ever be saying that of someone I just met or just started seeing flat out.

Turns out, since he'd been more or less pushed into it by his ex despite feeling like this was different, he had a bit of a conflict of whether we should and we decided to wait. Three mos later, I was talking about moving to FL and he wasn't sure he wanted to go with (now he's back in his home town a couple hrs away 'being on his own for awhile'), so it's probably a good thing we did wait, and I imagine if he decides he wants to keep seeing where this goes now that I'm staying (things came up at work and I get to move up in position without the relocation) there'll be a lot of waiting and I'm okay with that.

Over a year ago, I'd have said I wouldn't be. I would never push someone to that wasn't ready, etc. but as far as I knew, he was waiting for marriage, and I was far past that, so I didn't think it would work. Funny, him having slept with his ex even though he regretted it later took a weight off that, and that he wasn't sure he'd want to wait til marriage (because who knows if that'd be another dozen years down the road), but instead til it was right, and I'd be willing to wait til whenever that is.

Bottom line of all of this is to say that, I think it depends on both people involved, and that I think it should always default to the person who's least ready's timeline. No one should ever be pushed or feel pushed into that. If they're worth being with, they're worth waiting for, or they aren't the person you should be with.
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Old 05-22-2007, 10:58 PM
 
Location: Waynesboro, PA
117 posts, read 214,977 times
Reputation: 12
Default Ill get back to you

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa_from_Debary View Post
Now let me be clear without being offensive...I mean "know" him in a biblical way...

I am often astonished when I hear people talk about how quickly they are willing to jump into bed with someone new. I have heard some day on the first date, some have said after 3 dates like thats a real accomplishment...

Like I have said, this is not about a religious belief of mine.. I can't do that, I feel I need to develop emotional intimacy with a person LONG before I want to complicate things with phyiscal intimacy.

I have of course learned from my mistakes, in the past I got the cart before the horse and once the physical intimacy got involved in the equation, it caused problems. I think it causes an artificial intimacy, one that does not HELP you work out real life problems AND then you have already been intimate so you feel you have to work things out...

I have been on my own for 5 years now and not been intimate with anyone. I dated a guy one time who was very pushy and frankly he nauseated me...I knew there was no way I would be with him that way from the way he treated the entire experience.

So what do you guys think?
Lisa i think this is a very genuine and interesting post from you as well as many others have been. I dont know but you and I think along the same lines a whole lot and honestly I dont encounter that ver oftem ever at all. I will get back to you about this dear.
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Old 05-23-2007, 01:11 AM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 3,298,887 times
Reputation: 685
Well let me qualify something...I don't believe in waiting for marriage...I wouldn't buy a car without test driving it AND I mean take that car out on the highway and see what it tops out at because your gonna be stuck with it once you sign the papers...

I wouldn't assume a guy didn't like me if he had gone out with me 5-6 times and only kissed me, that would be very nice. Once a guy gets pushy, I don't feel like I can be with them...that kind of pushy comes across like they think of sex like a bodily function that they JUST have to get done and I just happen to be in the way...thats like a cold shower...bye bye.

I like a man who holds hands...puts his arm around you in a theatre...whispers in your ear sweetly...asks if he can kiss you before he does...I prefer a man who lets me be the agressor when I am comfortable that it go that far.

Unfortunately it so often ends up being like a drive by shooting...
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Old 05-23-2007, 01:56 AM
 
217 posts, read 845,387 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa_from_Debary View Post
Well let me qualify something...I don't believe in waiting for marriage...I wouldn't buy a car without test driving it AND I mean take that car out on the highway and see what it tops out at because your gonna be stuck with it once you sign the papers...
Ha, that's exactly what I was talking about with my boyfriend. I said that and he said he'd heard it once before from a guy who said that it was fine to want to wait and all, but you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it. It kind sounded rude to him coming from that guy, but the fact I said it as well kind of made him think about it. Won't get into the reasons but figured out that my ex and I weren't compatible--that's something I'm glad to have known BEFORE comitting the rest of my life to him. This relationship's been much improved to that one such that I could reasonably figure I wouldn't be disappointed even if I waited. But I think the wise thing would be to wait til you'd say you're ready for the vows but find out for sure before you take them.

Quote:
I like a man who holds hands...puts his arm around you in a theatre...whispers in your ear sweetly...asks if he can kiss you before he does...I prefer a man who lets me be the agressor when I am comfortable that it go that far.
Twas what I had.
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Old 05-23-2007, 02:26 AM
 
Location: FL
1,316 posts, read 5,789,581 times
Reputation: 988
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I think we tend to rush into 'it' too fast. I am really interested in hearing what the guys have to say about this too.

I think we sort of expect men to be pushy. A friend of mine once told me her new man wasn't really interested in her. I asked why and she said they had been out 5 or 6 times and he had done nothing but kiss her goodnight and hold her hand. Now this same friend has also dropped men who wanted too much too fast. So how is a guy supposed to know how to act?

I guess search for a happy medium between virginal and depraved?
That's how I am too I'm used to really "forward" guys - & that's usually how I like 'em! Although at least he's kissing & holding hands! I would expect AT LEAST that the first time we hang if he's interested!
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Old 05-23-2007, 03:53 AM
 
926 posts, read 1,460,469 times
Reputation: 525
I think every situation/relationship is totally unique and you can't really say, "I won't kiss until 27 minutes into the 3rd date and intimacy will occur on the 5th date at precisely 10:37 PM". If there is a mutual chem-reaction kisses feel comfortable and welcome. If there is anxiety on either part, it's not time.
Becoming intimate and knowing someone, in the biblical sense, follows the same guidelines as kissing...If the time is right, it's a beautiful and wonderful thing...if either party has ANY reservations, the time is not right and you both are setting yourself up for major complications down the road.
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Old 05-23-2007, 04:28 AM
 
Location: FL
1,942 posts, read 8,491,622 times
Reputation: 2327
Quote:
Originally Posted by dukester2 View Post
I think every situation/relationship is totally unique and you can't really say, "I won't kiss until 27 minutes into the 3rd date and intimacy will occur on the 5th date at precisely 10:37 PM". If there is a mutual chem-reaction kisses feel comfortable and welcome. If there is anxiety on either part, it's not time.
Becoming intimate and knowing someone, in the biblical sense, follows the same guidelines as kissing...If the time is right, it's a beautiful and wonderful thing...if either party has ANY reservations, the time is not right and you both are setting yourself up for major complications down the road.
I was going to post something like this. It depends on how much magic...chemical reaction...connection I feel with them.


And, many times...I am the one who makes the first move...I will even lean in and take that first kiss
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