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I just shake my head at how stupid people are to marry someone they don't love in the first place. Even if you get knocked up/knock someone up, you shouldn't get married just so your kid will have married parents. I was in a bad relationship for 2 years with a girl who was manipulative and constantly verbally abusive. Anytime I stood up for myself she'd play the victim and threaten to kill herself. Yet I was in love with her because she was really gorgeous, smart and charming at times. I did the logical thing and broke up with her even though it hurt because I loved her. Why are other people too stupid to do this? AND idiots will get married and have kids and get divorced. I just want to smack these people, shame government can't make a law keeping people who get divorced from ever having more kids.
Would it have been good for you had one of your parents been pushed out of your life due to the divorce?
Divorced parents doesn't mean that the children are loosing one or the other...it usually just means that now they won't have to listen to their parents fight or watch them disrespect each other...and that sounds better to me.
My parents who have been living together for more than 50 years bicker all the time, each complaining about the nastiest things about the the other. I guess they stuck together for us kids and because as devout Catholics, they can't divorce. As kids, we were really upset whenever they tore each other apart. It still bothers me when they fight but I am truly grateful and thankful they have stuck together all these years 'cos I've always wondered if I would have been all messed up if they didn't. Most of the kids I know who come from broken homes generally have issues.
The 4 kids are unfortunately going to pay the price in the long run, when they have trouble being in a loving relationship, and can't figure out why?....The best thing a man can do for his kids is to love and respect their mother...... as for your last question...can I relate?? NO!..My kids happiness and well-being would prove to be too strong for me to ignore, and would absolutely win out over the "emotional, physical and logistical hassle of moving out and finding a place where there is only peace and love in my house.
That's what I did. Through the last 8 years of our marriage it was clear my husband wanted nothing more to do with me. He had fallen out of love and even with the help of 10 different marital and individual therapists between us, could not engage with me or with family life. Yet, he stayed put and would not discuss divorce, although he openly told every counselor that he did not love me. That was pretty damn painful!
I do not know what my daughters were seeing and feeling at the time. I suspect that nothing was amiss in their lives because we did not fight. We just retreated from each others' company. But the fact was that *I* was miserable in that house, and clinically depressed and heavily medicated. THAT was a huge problem. I wasn't able to be a good parent when I was sleeping all the time. Something had to change.
Finally in 2005, after 20 years of marriage, I told him to leave. I think he was relieved that he didn't have to be the bad guy. We separated on friendly terms and my daughters (age 7 and 13) at first spent half a week with me and half a week with him.
That lasted exactly 5 months, then he moved in with a younger woman he had known from his job. That caused a lot of problems with our daughters, and then the real fighting and ugliness started. He backed off on visitation because the GF did not like the fact that he had kids or a wife. We ended up getting a divorce about a year later.
Fast forward, they are still together, but his relationship with our older daughter is almost nil and our younger daughter he sees only a week here and there during school holidays (we moved overseas a couple of years ago). When she comes back to the US to see him, she has to stay with friends because the GF is not welcoming.
My ex, their dad, pretty much opted out of their lives and that was HIS choice. But my girls (now 13 and 20) are well adjusted and cool with it. They say they have no memories of what life was like when he WAS there because most of the time he really wasn't, at least emotionally.
In the meantime, I have given the kids a stable, sane, loving home life. I have not brought them any "new daddies" and although they know I casually date, they have very little curiosity about that because they never have contact with any of the guys.
So in a nutshell, our divorce was the best thing I could have done for me or my kids, even it it has meant that I am not comfortable or free to pursue a serious relationship. That was the tradeoff for me and it was worth it. Love can wait a few more years till my youngest is out of the nest, if it happens at all. It's my job to fill my own life.
Divorced parents doesn't mean that the children are loosing one or the other...it usually just means that now they won't have to listen to their parents fight or watch them disrespect each other...and that sounds better to me.
I do not know ONE father, not ONE father, who has gone through divorce, who has (full or equal) custody of his children. Not ONE!
I know many, many couples who have 50% shared custody.
It often works out as a week with him and a week with her. Or as my ex and I did, 3.5 days each with every other weekend alternating. It is actually quite common and has become something of the default in custody arrangements.
What you might be seeing are men who choose not to stick to the 50% arrangement and naturally fall back to every other weekend and Wednesday nights, because they are "busy with work" or simply do not know WHAT to do with their kids when faced with that much one-on-one time.
I know many, many couples who have 50% shared custody.
It often works out as a week with him and a week with her.
That seems fair. I've seen "shared custody" as being Wednesday night dinner and two weekends a month. I ain't about to accept that.
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Or as my ex and I did, 3.5 days each with every other weekend alternating. It is actually quite common and has become something of the default in custody arrangements.
Again, seems more fair than what I've been seeing.
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What you might be seeing are men who choose not to stick to the 50% arrangement and naturally fall back to every other weekend and Wednesday nights, because they are "busy with work" or simply do not know WHAT to do with their kids when faced with that much one-on-one time.
I don't know. What father wouldn't know what to do with his own children? I find that notion unfair to men, stereotypical and offensive, frankly. In talking with friends who have been ground up and destroyed through the divorce process, every one of them is angry and feels that they were treated very unfairly by it. And everyone encourages me not to go through a divorce because, they say, I'll basically lose my children. Every day of their lives I have been there to see them wake up and to see them go to bed. In a divorce situation that will not happen.
That seems fair. I've seen "shared custody" as being Wednesday night dinner and two weekends a month. I ain't about to accept that.
Again, seems more fair than what I've been seeing.
I don't know. What father wouldn't know what to do with his own children? I find that notion unfair to men, stereotypical and offensive, frankly. In talking with friends who have been ground up and destroyed through the divorce process, every one of them is angry and feels that they were treated very unfairly by it. And everyone encourages me not to go through a divorce because, they say, I'll basically lose my children. Every day of their lives I have been there to see them wake up and to see them go to bed. In a divorce situation that will not happen.
I think it's sad that you are staying purely for the children because you are afraid you will lose them.
Have you talked to a lawyer? Every couple I know that is divorced with kids has shared custody, 50/50.
One boy lives with his mom one week and the dad the next. His dad also gets him when mom travels for work and he coaches his travel soccer team so he seems 3 evenings a week even when it's not his "turn".
Another couple I know have it split so the kids spend Sun - Wed morning with him and Wed night - Sat with her. He drops them off to school on Wed and she picks them up.
The only couple I know that doesn't have it 50/50 chose to have it that way. Dad works long hours so mom has the kids during the week and Dad gets them Friday night - Sunday night.
I haven't been here long enough to know what is going on with your marriage, but is it possible you are using the kids as a crutch? Maybe you fear leaving, fear what's on the other side? And they are your excuse to stay?
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