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By the way, one of the theories as to why divorce is on a downswing in recent years (it is actually likely a combination of factors; this is just one) is that we literally just can't afford it, nowadays. I mean we can not afford two households, especially if there are children.
I believe there's even a trend, though obviously it's still a minority, of people who are divorced but still live together as they can only afford the one house. They have separate areas, share the kitchen, etc., etc.
When you hear about people with a sex "understanding" (i.e. affairs) and that sort of thing, though it may sound cold and probably shocking, OTOH it may not actually be that they're just totally evil or selfish or anything. Some people truly are stuck but they still have needs, not all of these sexual but just a mutually admiring, mutually loving relationship that has now died between the spouses.
You are kinda describing my situation. I float between a small room I rent nearby and the basement at the house. We try to be together as a family for the young children and financially. We've been through therapy and things have improved between us. But the end result is that I feel like we are just two close friends that are co-parenting three children together. I think the children are happy... we are sure to spend a lot of time together as a whole family. We still do dinner together without children mostly to talk about family stuff.
Over the years we kept the tradition of family pictures together. We skipped a year when things were still in flux. We read the following article over dinner one night.
We decided to do the same this past holiday season. I think the kids liked getting all dressed up and going out to take photos (photography is a hobby of mine too). It made it feel like we are still a family.
My bartender friend and her ex-husband also still live together because neither make enough to make it on their own here in NJ. She has two children but both are adults and out of the house. She has had a few boyfriends since they divorced. I don't think he has but he seems to be a good guy. He met all of her boyfriends and even went on trips in a larger group (big family). I think they've lived like this for more than 5 years now.
We do talk a lot about our home situation.... I am relying on her experiences to help guide me as we are freshly separated, younger, with younger children. She also doesn't shy from challenging my notions. Just today she asked "How would you feel if she started to date?" She also asked if my elder son has started asking questions and what I'm going to say to him.
I know a few other families in similar but they are a struggle... I feel sad for them and the children. The difference is that in my situation and my friend's situation we get along with our ex-spouses and made an honest deal that the children are a priority.
Well I am in an extremely unhappy marriage. I won't divorce for religious reasons. I have no reason to believe he has been unfaithful, but honestly, that would have probably been better than what I go through with this man. He is the worst example of a loving husband one could find. He is selfish, unapologetic, abusive, lazy....etc. Basically everything his father was and his mother allowed. The most obvious example of him following his awful daddy's footseps- His father never accompanied his mom to any antenatal visits. He drove around "helping" others while she struggled on a bus to and from the doctor's visits. Then, when I was pregnant, he treated me like I didn't matter. I had a miscarriage while he was abroad and he didn't even call me back to find out if I was ok.
I literally stay up at nights crying when I remember all the things I've had to deal with from this spineless, selfish, immature person.
I have kept several things bottled up and when I do talk about some of the things he's done. He acts like I'm the one doing something wrong. He pushed me into a wall and choked me once bcuz I wanted yo discuss something he did. I have never once been violent with him. I feel soooo stupid sometimes for staying, like I've let myself down. I dnt even need to stay for financial gain bcuz he's been unemployed for several months and I have paid all the bills, bought all the groceries, did all the renovations around the house. Ugh. I should never have married this man!!!!!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you should seriously consider getting a divorce. I don't think dealing and living with abuse is in the spirit of your religious convictions. Have you seeked support with your church?
By the way, one of the theories as to why divorce is on a downswing in recent years (it is actually likely a combination of factors; this is just one) is that we literally just can't afford it, nowadays. I mean we can not afford two households, especially if there are children.
I believe there's even a trend, though obviously it's still a minority, of people who are divorced but still live together as they can only afford the one house. They have separate areas, share the kitchen, etc., etc.
When you hear about people with a sex "understanding" (i.e. affairs) and that sort of thing, though it may sound cold and probably shocking, OTOH it may not actually be that they're just totally evil or selfish or anything. Some people truly are stuck but they still have needs, not all of these sexual but just a mutually admiring, mutually loving relationship that has now died between the spouses.
I stayed with my ex for most of our marriage because of the kids. Tried to make it good by sheer force of will, because I felt my kids deserved a happy household to grow up in. I had hoped, we could get through their childhood, get them out on their own, and either a.) "things" would be better in the marriage and we could go forward together as a couple, or b.) we could then split up. I used to tell him as it started getting worse, that there would come a time, when the kids were grown, that the only reason to stay together would be because we WANTED to, not because we needed to, and I sure hoped that he wasn't so miserable and making me so miserable, when that day came.
Sadly we didn't reach that goal. Thing is, I always knew if my control over our whole situation ever lapsed (and it took 17 years to reach the point where it did) then the fallout would be horrific. As bad as it was, I was afraid it would be worse. The ending was terribly damaging for all of us.
I did stay in the house for a year, after the breakup. As a roommate, with my own space in the basement. He likes to throw around "you were living in MY house" because we ended up agreeing he could have it (I didn't want it.) But during that year, he was unemployed and I was supporting the household with my pay, and with growing debt in my name that I ended up having to go bankrupt over after the divorce. And both of us were on the deed and the loan. He acts like he was doing me a favor, and tells people I couldn't afford to get out on my own, but the reality was, he couldn't afford to keep the house and I didn't want to see it go to foreclosure.
He obsessed at the time about how it was HIS house and HIS dream and HIS legacy and on and on. And I finally left, went and rented a tiny apartment with the kids, and left him alone in his 5 bedroom house. Which he trashed, and then rented out to some friends of his, who have further trashed it, and he threw away or abandoned all the stuff, and acts like he "lost everything," like I took everything from him. It is downright delusional. It's like he took a wrecking ball to his whole life and then screamed at me, "Look what you did!!"
Sadly, you can only keep a fake happy face on things for so long. Some people do make it until the kids are grown...some don't. But I don't believe in shaming parents or telling them they're messing up their kids. I've known kids of really normal and healthy seeming households who nevertheless claimed that an "overbearing" or "overprotective" or "neglectful" parent damaged them...and I've seen other people who came from ongoing train-wrecks in motion, who turned out really functional and well adjusted.
But I was afraid it would be worse. No one got shot. No one died.
EDIT: Bad as it was, to speak to the title of the thread, I never hated him. Still don't. Mostly I feel frustration and pity.
I know the original post is old, but for anyone searching for ways to survive, I've been doing it for several years now, and I'm not miserable; in fact, I'm happy as a married single. Some of the vital things that work for me all keep me busy constantly or create opportunities to thrive separately:
-get/keep a job you like and don't share what you make so you can save most of it, if possible
-listen to books via blue tooth or earbuds as you cook, garden, work out, or clean to engage your mind in something else
-shop or do errands away from home when your spouse is home
-start cooking healthy meals in the evening that take time to prep and shop (whole foods are cheaper than processed too); this will also help keep your body healthy since the stress can cause physical problems that turn into illnesses
-start a garden and work in it when your spouse is home; some communities have garden space if you don't
-take a class (whatever inspires you or updates skills)
-work out/walk for one hour each evening or when your spouse is home
-if you have the money, join a gym: the time away strengthening your body will also strengthen your mind
-make friends and go out with them frequently; it's harder as we age, so try meetup.com if necessary
-try not to talk about your spouse with friends: out of sight/sound, out of mind
-create a separate bedroom or space; I took over the guest room (I blamed his snoring on my insomnia to get out initially); if you don't have one, try the basement, an old converted van--whatever you need to create your own space
-volunteer at your local animal shelter
-learn and practice meditation, yoga, or tai chi: a guided meditation on anger has changed my life
-try something new: start a book club or learn a new language; and finally
-do not engage with your spouse on any topics that you know cause problems; it's not worth it, even if s/he's wrong
I know the original post is old, but for anyone searching for ways to survive, I've been doing it for several years now, and I'm not miserable; in fact, I'm happy as a married single. Some of the vital things that work for me all keep me busy constantly or create opportunities to thrive separately:
-get/keep a job you like and don't share what you make so you can save most of it, if possible
-listen to books via blue tooth or earbuds as you cook, garden, work out, or clean to engage your mind in something else
-shop or do errands away from home when your spouse is home
-start cooking healthy meals in the evening that take time to prep and shop (whole foods are cheaper than processed too); this will also help keep your body healthy since the stress can cause physical problems that turn into illnesses
-start a garden and work in it when your spouse is home; some communities have garden space if you don't
-take a class (whatever inspires you or updates skills)
-work out/walk for one hour each evening or when your spouse is home
-if you have the money, join a gym: the time away strengthening your body will also strengthen your mind
-make friends and go out with them frequently; it's harder as we age, so try meetup.com if necessary
-try not to talk about your spouse with friends: out of sight/sound, out of mind
-create a separate bedroom or space; I took over the guest room (I blamed his snoring on my insomnia to get out initially); if you don't have one, try the basement, an old converted van--whatever you need to create your own space
-volunteer at your local animal shelter
-learn and practice meditation, yoga, or tai chi: a guided meditation on anger has changed my life
-try something new: start a book club or learn a new language; and finally
-do not engage with your spouse on any topics that you know cause problems; it's not worth it, even if s/he's wrong
First thought as I read this post was how sad.
It reads like a motivational post for coping with a highly cancerous tumor. How to live a rich and rewarding life while part of you is dead and dying.
I'm sure you have reasons that are valid to you, to not cut this tumor of a relationship from your life.
I chose to have the divorce/tumor operation. It cut deep and hurt bad on so many levels. However I survived and am back to a healthy life.
I know the original post is old, but for anyone searching for ways to survive, I've been doing it for several years now, and I'm not miserable; in fact, I'm happy as a married single. Some of the vital things that work for me all keep me busy constantly or create opportunities to thrive separately:
-get/keep a job you like and don't share what you make so you can save most of it, if possible
-listen to books via blue tooth or earbuds as you cook, garden, work out, or clean to engage your mind in something else
-shop or do errands away from home when your spouse is home
-start cooking healthy meals in the evening that take time to prep and shop (whole foods are cheaper than processed too); this will also help keep your body healthy since the stress can cause physical problems that turn into illnesses
-start a garden and work in it when your spouse is home; some communities have garden space if you don't
-take a class (whatever inspires you or updates skills)
-work out/walk for one hour each evening or when your spouse is home
-if you have the money, join a gym: the time away strengthening your body will also strengthen your mind
-make friends and go out with them frequently; it's harder as we age, so try meetup.com if necessary
-try not to talk about your spouse with friends: out of sight/sound, out of mind
-create a separate bedroom or space; I took over the guest room (I blamed his snoring on my insomnia to get out initially); if you don't have one, try the basement, an old converted van--whatever you need to create your own space
-volunteer at your local animal shelter
-learn and practice meditation, yoga, or tai chi: a guided meditation on anger has changed my life
-try something new: start a book club or learn a new language; and finally
-do not engage with your spouse on any topics that you know cause problems; it's not worth it, even if s/he's wrong
I did almost all of that when i was married. But i no matter how much i layered on the distractions i couldn't run from the unhappiness.
I still do pretty much all the things but now i feel like im living again. Like sigma mentioned, it hasn't been easy. The aftermath of divorce was worse than being married but once it lifted it was all worth it.
It reads like a motivational post for coping with a highly cancerous tumor. How to live a rich and rewarding life while part of you is dead and dying.
I'm sure you have reasons that are valid to you, to not cut this tumor of a relationship from your life.
I chose to have the divorce/tumor operation. It cut deep and hurt bad on so many levels. However I survived and am back to a healthy life.
You forgot about the kids though. For a lot of people, the kids are their sold purpose for living.
My old boss used to tell me that he pretty much didn't talk to his wife that much. He had some choice words to describe her, but he used that word to describe some of our clients too.
All in all, I would say that not many people would stay in a TOXIC relationship, but several people would stay in a relationship that is strained and loveless but civil and friendly.
And I'll be honest. A lot of people stay in relationships that are not that inspiring even if they don't have kids.
He was sleeping with one of his teachers during high school, married her, and they were married about twenty years. This wife was 10-15 years older than him. By the time he was out of college and working, she was pushing 40. He was in his mid-late 30s before his business/career was off the ground, wanted kids, and she was too old by then to have them. They divorced. The first wife came to our family dinners for many years. She was intelligent, had a great career after teaching, etc.
He married a woman about fifteen years his junior when I was fairly young. They had two kids together. She was a nice enough person, but not very bright and they had almost no common interests. Uncle was not religious, she was. He drank a lot and did drugs for awhile, she wasn't into that. He was a big spender, she wasn't. They divorced in 2012 after he cheated on her, but he complained about her all the time for at least five years prior to the divorce.
One kid was 17 and the other was 13 when they divorced. I think the kids being older definitely played a part in when they divorced.
Worst advice I ever received from a lawyer was to "stay together for the sake of the chjilkdren."
Worst advice. Horrible advice. Led to a wickedly costly and adversarial divorce later on.
Life is short. If you are unhappy and been reasonable, get the hell out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation
I have an uncle who probably did this.
He was sleeping with one of his teachers during high school, married her, and they were married about twenty years. This wife was 10-15 years older than him. By the time he was out of college and working, she was pushing 40. He was in his mid-late 30s before his business/career was off the ground, wanted kids, and she was too old by then to have them. They divorced. The first wife came to our family dinners for many years. She was intelligent, had a great career after teaching, etc.
He married a woman about fifteen years his junior when I was fairly young. They had two kids together. She was a nice enough person, but not very bright and they had almost no common interests. Uncle was not religious, she was. He drank a lot and did drugs for awhile, she wasn't into that. He was a big spender, she wasn't. They divorced in 2012 after he cheated on her, but he complained about her all the time for at least five years prior to the divorce.
One kid was 17 and the other was 13 when they divorced. I think the kids being older definitely played a part in when they divorced.
I actually think you're lucky if it gets to the point where it's adversarial or the other person cheats, because then the decision is made for you.
I think there's many more couples where it's friendly, but not quite right or the best match, and add the well-being of the kids on top of that ... and they will have a much harder time with the decision...
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