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I know the OP is over a year and a half old, but day-um, how many red flags did the poor guy miss from this woman?
Let's count them:
1. Bad childhood.
2. "Daddy" issues.
3. Deadbeat "baby daddy" and associated drama.
4. Kid with ADHD (a made up disorder with no legitimate scientific backing used to give bad kids a politically correct, medical label that sounds better than "incorrigible brat").
Now this woman and her brats have taken over his house, and she expects him to do everything a "daddy" should do that requires energy and work, but gets mad at him if -- God forbid -- he tries to instill some discipline in one of the little turds.
Should he be surprised by any of this, given the information he had to go on? Of course not. Nor should he be surprised when she leaves him after bleeding him dry and moves on to the next poor patsy.
The only kind of guy that is going to keep this woman around and not get trampled on by her is an abusive a-hole, because that is the kind of guy that has been a constant in her life.
Blunt, but probably accurate. The OP knew what he was getting into. Why would he saddle himself with this arrangement? Too bad for the children who now are attached to him, when he is probably just the first in a revolving door of relationships.
exactly. The children are the victims of several (their mother, their father, the OP) irresponsible adults.
I know the OP is over a year and a half old, but day-um, how many red flags did the poor guy miss from this woman?
Let's count them:
1. Bad childhood.
2. "Daddy" issues.
3. Deadbeat "baby daddy" and associated drama.
4. Kid with ADHD (a made up disorder with no legitimate scientific backing used to give bad kids a politically correct, medical label that sounds better than "incorrigible brat").
Now this woman and her brats have taken over his house, and she expects him to do everything a "daddy" should do that requires energy and work, but gets mad at him if -- God forbid -- he tries to instill some discipline in one of the little turds.
Should he be surprised by any of this, given the information he had to go on? Of course not. Nor should he be surprised when she leaves him after bleeding him dry and moves on to the next poor patsy.
The only kind of guy that is going to keep this woman around and not get trampled on by her is an abusive a-hole, because that is the kind of guy that has been a constant in her life.
TO the OP. By now you have probably figured out why she is divorced. You might want to find the ex husband. His story might be different. Anyhow, my guess is that the longer you stay, the higher the expectations will be.
It sounds to me like you need some support...taking on someone else's kids is really challenging. I've not only been in a relationship where I took on another mans five year old for two years during weekend visits but I now have a little boy of my own and my boyfriend just moved in. Ill be honest its tough sometimes. I never ask him to help to much because I don't want my son to get too attached until he is 100% sure about us but yet sometimes its impossible. I try to make it very clear to my boyfriend that we aren't married so he's not their step father yet other times I resent that I do so much for him and he isn't helping me with things he could be. Its really challenging. One thing that I try to avoid is allowing him to get too involved which also means he doesn't get to have the kind of closeness with my son that you enjoy. Also your girlfriend may resent that you are enjoying the step father treatment and status while not really making the commitment to marry her. Family is a beautiful thing. Love it and cherish it. Children are not toys they are humans. They need loving parents in the home that will stay. Its a hard decision and I hope you both get support so you can do whats best for each other and the kids. Good Luck!
Why did you feel the need to bump a thread from a year and a half ago with no responses since 2010? The OP probably isn't even here anymore.
I don't get it, does this site have hired bots that bump old threads or something? Or are new posters digging up old topics that relate to them and responding to them as their 1st and 2nd posts? It seems they never bump up current threads.
Thanks Julia, makes sense. Fleetiebelle said the same thing in the thread I created about it, so you two think alike (and quickly)! I appreciate the response.
My girlfriend & I started dating a bit over a year and a half ago (I'm 31 & she's 32 now). She was recently divorced and had two kids (one 8-month old girl & one 4yr. old boy.) I met her kids early on, as we didn't really have any other option if we wanted to see each other. I didn't mind, since I'm not really into partying and am somewhat of a home body, and I've always liked kids. However, she did have a lot of emotional baggage from a father that drank and wasn't at home much, to the ex who turned out to be a dead beat with numerous issues. I saw these as red flags, but I really liked her and the kids and didn't let it stop me.
She and the kids moved in with me about six months ago. Let me just say, I love her kids - they are beautiful, loving little rugrats. And they love me a lot, her son is always talking about me at school, to his grandparents, etc. He really looks up to me and sort of idolizes me. But, he is also ADHD and can be extremely difficult to deal with a lot of the time. He's like a tasmanian devil on speed. Every morning he is up at the crack of dawn (including weekends, sometimes as early as 5:30 am), and let's just say I'm not a morning person. I wouldn't mind if he came in and layed with us or played quietly, but if he's up - he's not going to let you sleep. Since they've moved in, I've started waking up an hour before I normally have to for work, so I can walk him to the bus or take him to school, while Mom heads to work and drops the toddler off at day care. During the week, as soon as I get home - my girlfriend is usually making dinner and I'll watch the kids while she does that. Then we clean up together, get the kids ready for bed, etc. This is no easy feat, every night we spend nearly an hour trying to get him to stay in his bed, he's constantly getting up for numerous excuses (I'm too scared, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, the dog won't sleep with me, my legs hurt, it's too dark, you didn't tuck me in - we've heard them all). Needless to say this can get tiresome and quite annoying, especially on nights when we want some intimacy. It often ends up with both of us too tired for anything intimate. Luckily the 2 year old is relatively easy to deal with in comparison.
With all that said, I feel like her expectations are a little too high for me, and we often argue about responsibilities. She has a very short temper and gets angry very easily if I don't do what she expects. I feel like any help I give her with the kids, is in fact help, and not my job or responsibility. However, she will get mad at me and start yelling if I'm not up to help her get the kids ready in the morning. Or, if I want to sleep in a little late on the weekend and she has to get up with the kids by herself. And forget about ever coming home from work to just relax instead of helping with the kids. Also, she is not the neatest person on earth, and it doesn't take long for the kids to destroy and mess up the house. She would rarely pick up after them or have them pick up after themselves - and then at the end of the week, she would expect me to spend half the day with her, helping clean up her and her kids messes. We ended up getting a maid to come every few weeks, and this has dramatically helped with those burdens. But, even now, when her lone house chore is doing the laundry, she'll complain if I don't help her do them or fold them (not to mention 90% of them are her & the kids stuff). I realize it's a very difficult job for her raising two kids and try to help as much as I can, but I feel like my help is not appreciated most of the time and just expected of me. She often loses her temper with the ADHD son and screams at him to stop whatever he's doing wrong, yet will criticise me if I do. I feel like sometimes I'm taken for granted, and not given the credit I'm due for helping out, especially with such a difficult child.
Sometimes I really feel like saying F@*! this, peace out - good luck on your own. But, we really do love each other and with the kids I can't just walk away without it being a really good reason. We are very good at talking out the majority of our problems, but it's a conflict I can't seem to resolve very easily. Am I being selfish for not wanting to help sometimes or not feeling like it's my responsibility? Is she expecting too much of me? I'm sure it's a little of both, but would like to hear from others who have been in similar situations, or even single mothers and what they think.
Thanks, if you actually read this whole stream of conscious rant. I really appreciate any opinions or advise.
If you really love this woman and her kids...and want them in your life..then do it all the way..dont complain about helping out...Yes you are being selfish for not wanting to help out at times..What is your love part time? If you took her and her children in and want to be a family with them then yes it is your responsibility if you didnt want it then let go of the committment, they deserve to have someone in their lives who wants to be there for the thick and thin of everything. This woman cant walk away from her responsibilities and Im sure she is looking for a man who doesnt want to walk away from it either..Love isnt part time or have conditions, I hope you tell her sorry. The love she and her kids will show you for how much they love and appreciate you will be worth the extra help you gave to them.
It's not like the kids were a surprise to the OP...he KNEW what he was getting into. He bit off more than he could chew, he should have manned up or got out.
Tell her flat out to not snap at you and that you will not be disrespected like that. Have a backbone. This is your house for Christ's sake. If the bull**** persists then kick her out. It's not like the kids are yours.
I cringe at situations like yours. Over and over they seem to follow the same trajectory - well-meaning guy with house and good job takes in single mother with no future and her offspring, guy ends up spending tons of money and effort on her and the kids who aren't even his, woman ends up sucking away all of the guy's funds and taking him for granted, divorce happens and woman gets even more of the guy's money, and lastly the woman moves on to some other sap and the whole thing repeats.
Good luck, dude.
Real Talk. Why some men play Superman to single moms is beyond me I wouldn't let that fly one bit, even if she was stressed for good reason.
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I wouldn't let that fly one bit, even if she was stressed for good reason.
