In a world full of choices, why do people "settle"? (dating, married)

[teatime]

I've been pondering this a lot lately. It seems like the root of a lot of problems in the world. We now have incredible means of reaching people and places worldwide, the ability to communicate meaningfully 24/7, and a so-called "global economy," so it would seem that the possibilities for people would be endless! Why don't people take advantage of them, instead of settling or making do and complaining endlessly about their lives?

I have family members who are unhappy because they live in an area that has been economically depressed for decades. Every time I speak with them, they complain and moan about the non-existent or low-paying jobs. Yet, I'm still considered the odd one for leaving over 20 years ago! And when I invite them to come on down and check out their prospects here, they say they will but never do. They will actually live off unemployment compensation rather than move and try to improve their lives!

Same with people's relationships. This is the 21st Century -- no one HAS to get married anymore. There are lots of options and no time limits. So why are people still getting/staying married simply to have a ring on the finger when they're not really compatible with their partner? I don't get it, and I just roll my eyes when they start griping.

I'm wondering if this is an American phenomenon? When you see the numbers of people willing and wanting to come here to work and the ways in which people in Europe and Asia take advantage of global opportunities, it makes you wonder. My friends in Europe have kids working in Dubai, Scotland, and America and they think nothing of it. Why are Americans such sticks in the mud, and whiners to boot?

[max's mama]

I don't know if it's just an American thing, but I have one word as an answer to your question:

FEAR.

People are fearful of change, fearful of failure and fearful of taking risks.
Fearful of being alone, fearful of losing stability, money etc...Fear paralyzes people and holds them back. Additionally many suffer with tremendous self-doubt and lack of creativity. Not being able to look outside the box. I agree that in this country opportunities are endless, people just need to have the balls to pursue them. I'm not an exception, I have my own issues too.

[dgfurman]

Well, life is complicated, and there is no one right answer for why people settle, but I can give you some scenerios:

Why do people settle for staying where they are, instead of move to where there are better opportunities?
1. They have no funds to relocate, and not enough $ to be jobless for a while
2. They have family and friends where they currently are
3. They are afraid to make a change, that may not turn out better

Why do people settle for a mate that isn't THE one?
1. They are tired of the dating scene, and figure this is as good as any or better
2. The biological clock is GONGING
3. They don't know themselves well enough to know what they REALLY want/need from a SO
4. Security - be it financial or otherwise
5. Fear of growing old alone

Those are some things that I came up with off the top of my head. I'm sure there's more. I know I'm guilty of some of them. Wish I'd known then what I know now, but you know what they say about hindsight.

[JBT1980]

Judging by the divorce rate people really arent settlin for al ong period of time anymore in fact the grass is alwasy greener me me me mentality is now more prevalent..

[BVAmale]

I've thought about this too, maybe some people do settle and some people endlessly complain and always will but some people also find someone and change their views on the perfect someone. Maybe your whole life up to a point you were attracted to thin long legged women with the perfect butt and long brown hair but you run into an old classmate that's put on a few pounds and she's got a few stories to tell but the way her eyes shine when she sees you makes your heart go pitter pat and she treats you better than anyone you've ever known.

Maybe its all perspective........who knows

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by max's mama

I don't know if it's just an American thing, but I have one word as an answer to your question:

FEAR.

People are fearful of change, fearful of failure and fearful of taking risks.
Fearful of being alone, fearful of losing stability, money etc...Fear paralyzes people and holds them back. Additionally many suffer with tremendous self-doubt and lack of creativity. Not being able to look outside the box. I agree that in this country opportunities are endless, people just need to have the balls to pursue them. I'm not an exception, I have my own issues too.

To that I would add:

COMFORT

Even though it may not be what someone really wants, it's likely become habit and it's more comfortable for some to maintain the status quo than challenge themselves. And like you pointed out, the great unknown can be scarey.

[max's mama]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

To that I would add:

COMFORT

Even though it may not be what someone really wants, it's likely become habit and it's more comfortable for some to maintain the status quo than challenge themselves. And like you pointed out, the great unknown can be scarey.

^^^^^ agree

[mango tango]

It's easier in the short run. Some people are all about the easy way. They don't want to have to make too much of an effort or put themselves on the line.

[Ep-]

my buddy stays with his gf he doesnt like much because he says he sucks at talking to women and doesnt think he'll ever meet anyone else. i keep inviting him out to meet new people but he always declines. hes only 24 !

there are better options out there but lots of ppl have low self esteem

[si33]

Good topic, and while i can only speak of the experiences i have seen demonstrated both in my life..and in the world around me, I think there are many reasons why someone chooses to settle..whether it revolves around a career choice, where one chooses to live, or a relationship..

Part of it has to do with confidence,ambition, and drive..

I have always been taught and have taught myself never to settle for anything that did not make me happy.. If i was not happy in the job i was working..and knew that i could do better, because of the gifts i have to share..I would keep on until i found the job that allowed me to express everything that i am capable of..not get into a pattern of settling for anything less...

As far as relationships, I could never carry on anything long term with someone whose presence would only serve to bring me down..or with someone whose views,choices,etc goes against everything that i believe in..

I have always known what was out there for me to attain to and achieve and to get there, you have to meander through all the obstacles that lie between where you are..and where what you want out of life lies.. and, even though there have been times i have wanted to give up..or settle, because of temporary frustrations, my confidence and ambition always drive me forward..because of what lies ahead..

Part of the reason i made the move to where i am presently is because of this..Because, i wasn't about to settle for anything short of what i deserve.. And while, for example, i could have started my career just fine back there, there were other things which would have not allowed me to achieve the other things i desire..which, i feel, are to be found where i am now.

I think many times, people can get so frustrated with life..that they feel that settling for something will create the happiness they desire... Though it is possible, many times, it doesn't work out this way..but this is just my opinion...and what i have seen...