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Old 01-13-2010, 12:20 PM
 
Location: 2nd state in the union...
2,382 posts, read 4,585,166 times
Reputation: 1616

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sad817326 View Post
I wasn't trying to snoop; While he was in the shower I was on my computer sorting my messages, and I accidentally deleted one from him. (Both computers are at his house) And I figured that maybe he saved them too, so I looked in his box, thinking I would just copy it and out it with the rest in mine. When I saw the saved message from her, I got curious. He had always said before that he didn't care if I read what other people said. So I clicked on it. I understand that it was before we were dating. The fact that he saved it, didn't tell me about it, and continued talking to her almost every single day WHILE we were dating is what bothers me is what bothers me.
Call it what you will.

So both computers are at his house? Then what's the big deal if you deleted one silly message? Was it THAT important that you had it, when you could easily get it or refer to it if necessary since both computers were right there?

FYI: Just because someone says they don't care if you read their messages doesn't give you an open invite to look at them. You want to be able to trust him, yet it sounds like he should be the one worrying about that.

Okay, so it bothered you that he talked to her almost every day - you said he isn't now so what's the big deal? If you don't feel you can trust him then break up and move on with your life.

ETA: And if both computers are there, I would assume you're there all the time. Which begs to question....why not just ASK him to get it for you rather than waiting til he was in the shower?
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Old 01-13-2010, 12:28 PM
 
25 posts, read 26,172 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I don't think it would be selfish or that your relationship is doomed, unless you believe that it would be better for you to spend some time on your own to figure out why you let jealousy and insecurity get the better of you.
Well, I have spent a lot of time on my own, recently. In the beginning, she'd call and message him a lot everyday. From what I remember he always left the computer unlocked and said I was welcome to look through it. He even showed me where he hid his porn collection XD. He introduced me to her, and usually ask before answering the phone for her. I remember being jealous of her, but I let it go because I figured he wouldn't be so open with me if there was something going on. After he stopped talking to her, I admitted being jealous of her and he told me that I wouldn't have to worry about my spot being taken. So I said ok and I asked him if there was anything he needed to say about her. He said no so I just forgot about her.

After I found the rp, I felt really betrayed. I felt that he was lying, because she'd had my place and he'd never told me. After finding it, I became suspicious of everything. I constantly asked to look at his phone, I felt like I had to watch him 24/7. Even though he didn't mind at all, I started hating the way I felt.

He says all she ever talked about was her day, which he gave one word answers to. I think after the rp, I'm over analyzing everything. Yesterday I started crying because in a conversation he capitalized her name and not mine. I think after reading Bobman's post, I feel like I'm the one who did something very wrong. I don't want to be his jealous possesive girlfriend. I think he deserves better.
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Old 01-13-2010, 12:32 PM
 
2,888 posts, read 6,522,552 times
Reputation: 4653
If it is a feeling you can't shake - it's probably best for both of you to move on. It's not a matter of right or wrong.

Relationships are a matter of emotion. These emotions aren't working for you. It's okay to move on - you both deserve better.
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Old 01-13-2010, 12:33 PM
 
25 posts, read 26,172 times
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by wigirl920 View Post
Call it what you will.

So both computers are at his house? Then what's the big deal if you deleted one silly message? Was it THAT important that you had it, when you could easily get it or refer to it if necessary since both computers were right there?

FYI: Just because someone says they don't care if you read their messages doesn't give you an open invite to look at them. You want to be able to trust him, yet it sounds like he should be the one worrying about that.

Okay, so it bothered you that he talked to her almost every day - you said he isn't now so what's the big deal? If you don't feel you can trust him then break up and move on with your life.

ETA: And if both computers are there, I would assume you're there all the time. Which begs to question....why not just ASK him to get it for you rather than waiting til he was in the shower?
It wasn't a big deal, I just thought I shouldn't bother him to look for it when I can do it myself.

I didn't wait until he got into the shower. He'd been taking one and I knew he'd be a while so I thought it'd be ok to just do it myself.

I understand how you can think it's snooping. I think it doesn't seem abnormal to me because there were numerous occasions where we dug through each other's stuff. I didn't think anything of it.
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Old 01-13-2010, 12:53 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,993 posts, read 8,911,117 times
Reputation: 8105
Note that there is no guarantee I am correct, there are always two sides to a story.


If you genuinely feel he deserves better, then you have two choices.

1, try to stop being posessive, and GIVE him better.

It will not be easy for you, but it can be done. Sit him down, and explain to him EXACTLY how you feel. See how well he understands, and see if the two of you can come to some kind of a compromise. You can work through these issues together.
It will require patience on both your parts. you will need to learn to let him go, and to trust him to come back to you.
He will require to understand you are experiencing some disturbing feelings, and may occasionally get it wrong, or over react.

It will be a test of your relationship, and your feelings for each other.

However, word to the wise, you should no more expect him to give up his pastimes, and friends for you, than he can expect you to stop feeling the way you do overnight.

Effective communication is the key.

Given time, it will also prove whether you were right to be suspicious.
As part of the process of letting him go, you will effectively give him rope, and see if he hangs himself.

If that is the case, then feel free to come back and say "i told you so"

or, you have choice two.

just accept that you are not ready for this relationship, and let go.

Nobody can make up your mind for you, you have not given us anything to work with about the relative health of your relationship, so only you can judge whether it is good enough to save.
we can only judge this situation.


either way, i wish you luck.
Being jealous is not something we choose, it is something which is forced on us by others. it can be an ex, a family member, parents, anything.
it does not mean you are a bad person, it just means you have identified an area you need to work on.

Trust me, I speak from experience. whether this relationship works out or not, if you can learn to deal with your jealousy (you can't ever cure it, you can only learn to manage it), you'll be in a much better place.




Quote:
Originally Posted by sad817326 View Post
Well, I think after reading Bobman's post, I feel like I'm the one who did something very wrong. I don't want to be his jealous possesive girlfriend. I think he deserves better.
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