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Steve, thank you for sharing. That did take a lot of guts. It sounds to me like you have some confusing issues to work through, maybe some things that happened when you were younger. You mentioned doing things with boys at a young age, which is more common than some people like to think or admit, but my read on it is that something happened to you (orally, perhaps) that is affecting your adult sexuality.
I do think that heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality can be innate. In and of themselves, they are not problematic. I also believe, however, that our sexuality can be shaped, especially by events in our childhood and how we are raised. In short, I believe in nature AND nurture.
The behaviors you describe sound more compulsive to me. They are causing a lot of problems in your life. You have been cheating on your wife, and like max's mama said, "you have been leading a very promiscuous type of life, full of lies and guilt." I don't believe any healthy person would WANT to live like that. I believe that bisexual people are perfectly capable of monogamy, if that is what they want to do. Your problems seem to stem more from sexual addiction and the inability for you to be sexually satisfied by your wife. You need to find out why that is. You said that she has been ill, and that recently she told you to just go find sex elsewhere. It's possible that she has her own issues and the two of you kind of mashed your codependent baggage together. If that is the case, you can work through it, or you can live with it. On the other hand, your wife might be so hurt and angry with you because of your infidelity, she does not want you that way right now. Maybe never again. Again, you can work through that, or you can live with it. These are things the two of you need to work out with a counselor.
You are attracted to women. You chose to settle down with a woman. Yet you are unable to have a warm, fulfulling love life with her. You have issues with ED, anxiety, and depression, and you are rarely intimate with one another.
Is it possible that you are gay? You say that you are attracted to women, so it doesn't sound like it to me. Then again, it's practically impossible for any of us to really know what's going on ... I can only go on the words you write. I don't think you are. My guess is that your ability to experience intimacy and pleasure are tied into the stuff you did when you were younger. Part of you wants to be monogamous with a woman, but another part of you will not let you.
Not necessarily. A man who is truly gay will not be seeking to be with women AT ALL and the OP said that he cheated on his wife with women as well.
Dont you argue with me woman!!!!!!!!! The OP's dalliances with other women seem to be no more than him not wanting to admit that he really is a rump ranger. he would probably be happier if he justs admits it and moves on with his life. No more confusion for him that way.
Dont you argue with me woman!!!!!!!!! The OP's dalliances with other women seem to be no more than him not wanting to admit that he really is a rump ranger. he would probably be happier if he justs admits it and moves on with his life. No more confusion for him that way.
You are in a difficult situation to say the least. But the bottom line remains you desire more sexual contact than your wife can or is willing to give you because of her illness. She has alot to deal with and sounds like she has just given up and doesn't have the fight in her to argue with you on this issue. Regardless of her reasons, you are riddled with guilt and it's not fair for you to continue to subject her to your indiscretions.
If you cannot stop your behavior, you should let her go. It's the best for both of you. Can you imagine to continue living with this torture? I understand you love her but there is more to a marriage than just loving someone. You need to be IN love with them, desire them sexually and remain monogamous. I wish you the best.
My wife knew about and accepted my past with guys (I was sexual with boys from an early age till age 17), I was sexual exclusively with females from age 17.5 till I met my future wife at 24. We had a varied sex life before marriage and while being sexual we discussed 3somes and us being with guys together and what we would do sexually with them in detail, this occured on multiple occasions (while we were being sexual-she now says this was just fantasy for my benefit). My wife became sick on our honeymoon and has been sick with various issues throughout our marriage. For awhile I had no sex drive (for anyone) (possibly due to low testosterone), there was a period a few years in to our marriage where we were sexual a number of times, not sure what stopped that (illness, lack of libido, or what). At age 28 I was with a guy behind my wife's back twice (should have talked to her before I did it), felt guilty about it and stopped, was with a guy a year later (was just ok), we moved to San Antonio I discovered new ways to meet guys online and was with a number of guys (some once, some many times). I was also with several females (which I truly regret because that is clearly something I should have/could have gotten from my wife). About 4 years ago my wife found out I'd been with guys/women during our marriage, was devastated, I promised to stop, and ended up going back to it shortly thereafter, would do it for awhile, she'd find out, I'd stop, then it would repeat. The last 2 years I've been pretty much with the same two guys (all of this is just oral BTW), with periods of stopping due to guilt or she finds out or both. I have not been with any guy in several months. She has NO Libido, I am always horny, the last couple of times we've tried to fool around we just weren't syncing. I become depressed and agitated when I'm not with guys in more than a week and angry at her for denying me any sexual release/the life I want. Pleasuring myself when horny usually just makes me more horny (usually for guys) The first few weeks after I stopped being with guys last time (which was also when we moved), I was pretty calm etc. But I've become depressed, anxious as of late (I am on several medicines which help greatly but not completely). When we try to be sexual (when I'm not being with guys), I enjoy what we are doing but usually at least part of the time am thinking about guys (and she knows this). I really have a hard time functioning in life with out male sex, I would also like to be with her. If we weren't together I might be with a guy (but would still probably want to be with women from time to time - I'd make that known from the begining). She is my best friend, I truly do care about and love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life, with her it's emotional/making love, with guys it's mostly physical/animalistic. She is ill and I basically help take care of her which probably makes me less inclined to be sexual with her. She needs me in my life, she is unable to work (hasn't been able to since we've been married) and her family is in cold climates (which she cannot live in due to her health issues, plus I help take care of some of her basic needs at times which I'm sure she doesn't want family to do. I've been thinking for awhile that I need to be sexual with guys twice a week, every week for the rest of my life. I function best in all parts of my life when that is the case. I told her that last week after I broke down again about needing to be with guys. The other night she said "Do what you need to do", just don't tell me about it/flaunt it/give me details, don't do it at our house, get tested regualrly, no staying out all night, and you need to wait at least a week after being with a guy sexually before being with me sexually. I'm am quite pleased yet still feeling somewhat guilty, haven't done anything yet due to lack of opportunity, probably will soon (not for sure). We both love each other and wan't to be together and want it to work. As far as attraction I am way more attracted to women than men (but obviously am attracted to them as well). When it comes to sex I think I prefer guys (usually just giving oral, no anal). When I occassionally look at porn I look at both straight and gay porn. I do have ED which makes me anxious with her, we've probably only had intercourse about 10 times in the 12.5 years we've been married, fooled around on and off with long gaps in between sometimes over a year. Maybe if we were being far more sexual I wouldn't need to be with guys, but I highly doubt that. Yes, we should probably both get therapy no matter what I do or don't do (when in therapy in the past, the therapist told me to give up the guys if I wanted it to work with the wife). Many bisexuals are monogamous with just their life life partner I'm just not sure if it's in my nature at least with a female.
Any/all thoughts are appreciated and welcome even if critical.
Thanks,
Steve
P.S. We have no kids.
P.P.S. We probably moved too quickly (for me) moving in, engagement, etc when we first got together. My fault for not being honest about my needs/thoughts.
It just seems to me that you both keep hurting each other over and over. And neither of you seem happy. Maybe it's time to end it?
Sounds to me you just enjoy the variety of different lovers. You are addicted to the newness of sexual experiences with new people you are attracted to, and it's . Perhaps your self esteem is suffering a little too, and the intimacy of multiple partners serves as a boost. Honestly, I don't think you are ready for a monogomous marriage/relationship, regardless of how much you may care for or love your wife.
I'm a little confused, you state you have ED, yet you are horny all the time and need to pleasure yourself often. Is the ED just a result of not being turned on by her? Have you sought help for the ED? Is it the result of a physical or mental condition?
A therapist would probably be a step in the right direction, this doesn't sound like something that can be addressed with any degree of long term success by "Googling" it or seeking the advice of random strangers. Good luck.
To me, it sounds like you don't have a marriage. What you have is someone who is dependant on you for your insurance, and you, feeling guilty, allowing the marriage to continue.
You and your wife clearly shouldn't be married - she is unhappy, b/c she really doesn't have a husband who loves her, but has someone who wants to be with men, and you are unhappy, b/c you don't want to be with her, but you feel too guilty to leave.
Is there any way that she can get medical coverage if you weren't married or living together? I can't imagine the 2 of you continuing to suffer like this. In addition, I do think you should see a counselor about a possible sex addiction problem, b/c what you describe sounds a bit over the top. Not to mention the whole HIV/STD issue here, no matter what your partners say.
Wow. Where to begin? First, yes you do deserve kudos for being SO brave to come out with all of this. It doesn't matter that this is an online forum, you really just confessed to a bunch of strangers and maybe you writing all of that out has been therapeutic. Thank you for your honesty. I think men who are somewhat confused about their sexuality OFTEN get married due to peer pressure, societal views or whatever and then lead a seemingly secret life and then surprise their wives one day with "Hi honey, I'm gay and want a divorce".
It would seem you have been fairly honest about your sexuality with your wife early on but then you just kind of let things get out of control. I do think you are gay and not bi-sexual. I have had several friends over the years (gay males and bisexual males) so I do feel I can speak from some authority. One of my dearest friends is guy but has two children and he's a single father living with his mate. He stayed married for a long time, realized that he was gay and could no longer deny it. He is very successful and in the military, his children are outstandingly behaved and respectful, he and his mate have been together for several years and they both raise the children as the mother is completely worthless (no kidding), he has sole custody.
So, the reason I stated all of that, I don't want people bashing you for being confused, gay, bisexual or whatever you think you are but I told you this because it's an example of how you could be or should be living your life.
If you are gay, so be it, but you have to stop all this messing around, I feel like it has irresponsibility written all over it and I think you are definitely best friends with your wife, but your needs are not what she can now OR ever give you and out of fairness to her, you should really figure out what's the best way you could be living your life (just like my friend).
I think it's time for you to admit some truths to yourself, be who you really are and pursue what you need to do but please don't use your wife an your excuse to your indiscretions. If she is sick and can't do for herself, fine. But you are denying being gay (which isn't uncommon) and doing her a horrible diservice by doing all of your activity you've been doing behind her back.
I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for you - not sorry as in "ohh poor you" but sorry you can't accept who you are, embrace it and be happy.
WOW I think you need to seek help. You got married and clearly were not ready to be with one person for the rest of your life, and your poor wife has this illness which is obviously preventing her from doing many many things so what is she suppose to do? She obviously needs you for things other then love and because of her illness she is trapped. Your wife needs to seek help as well, I'm sure she has so much pent up anger and pain from you and no where to get it all out.
Youre better off being single and being a friend to your wife. I cant imagine all the pain she is in.
By the way I'm sure you are also feeling very confused and guilty, but you said it yourself, you should've been more open with your wife. It doesnt seem fair to put her in a life that she didnt truely choice full hearted.
Good luck to you.
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