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Congratulations on getting away from him and moving on.
I was going to ask you what you'd say if you had a friend who came to you and said the same thing. Sometimes it's easier to think about what we'd say to someone else, get out of our own head a bit.
I think what smartygurl was trying to say (ask) is that you said he didn't have internet access, then you said that you emailed him to tell him what you found out. If he only has internet access when he's at your house, then he must've read the email you sent to him while he was at your house.
Which would make one wonder...why email him instead of just talking to him when he was at your house?
Ahh... good point. He has internet at work. I also think I didn't make it clear that it was my internet history that I found. He checks his personal email at work often. I tried calling him on his land line that night, but no answer. Thank you for clarifying. Also, he doesn't spend every night during the week at my place. This happened when he was not expected to come over. Honestly, I've thought about this and wondered if I should have waited to see him in person to discuss, but his reaction and defensive stance has made me glad that I did not. Thank you again for helping me understand the question posed.
Ahh... good point. He has internet at work. I also think I didn't make it clear that it was my internet history that I found. He checks his personal email at work often. I tried calling him on his land line that night, but no answer. Thank you for clarifying. Also, he doesn't spend every night during the week at my place. This happened when he was not expected to come over. Honestly, I've thought about this and wondered if I should have waited to see him in person to discuss, but his reaction and defensive stance has made me glad that I did not. Thank you again for helping me understand the question posed.
I see too much blame being put on the man right now. What we are reading is ONE side of the story. This is not a knock on the thread author, but let's be honest, if both sides were present we could make more true and blue judgements upon both sides.
Let's just leave it at - run away and run fast because you two are not good for each other.
Thank you. There are always two sides to every story. I am definitely not perfect, have gone through lone therapy sessions after my ex husband and still find it hard. That's why whenever I begin a relationship, I don't hide my past. I know my issues and am honest about them. I am honest with myself first. That's why I'm on here. I don't want him to be blamed for all of this. I too have played a part with my own issues. However, I wasn't the one that went to myspace singles pages behind the others back. Roles reversed, which I've thought of, I would have felt awful guilty and apologized. I didn't receive this. That doesn't make him bad, but definitely guilty. What disturbed me was his reaction with insults, condescending remarks, sarcasm and defensiveness. I love this guy. I want to help him. I know from my own experience that you have to seek that on your own. It's not easy. No one is perfect. I just wanted to know if there was a way that I could help him, if he was willing, to address "our" issues together with honesty. I think too many people give up on relationships today and don't want to put in the hard work. The hardest thing is facing oneself. I had to do it alone. I just want to be here for and with him. I know personally how hard it is. I just want to know if it's possible to turn something like this into something positive and long lasting with support and love. To stand by each other through the worst of things like my parents did. I don't hate him. I love him. Whether with me or not, I want the best for him. So, again, thank you for pointing this out.
You know, I think BriInNH has a good point. I'm not here to make him the bad guy. Maybe we can switch things up a bit and let you the readers throw questions at me to get to the bottom of this. Whether it's my problem, his or both. You don't often see this interaction on here, so let me be the first. Throw your questions at me so this can be a more fair objective view of the situation. One where my faults or guilt is brought into play. I can only answer his side from what I've experienced, but what about my part? This might be a good way to continue this thread and may be a greater contribution to the readers. This is a common and not easy situation. The blame lies on both sides. We each, unknowingly, contribute to the messed up situations we are in. I'm honest. Give me a go! Maybe it will help me to see reality.
Thank you to everyone that's on here contributing. An outsider view sometimes can help make things clear.
Thank you. There are always two sides to every story. I am definitely not perfect, have gone through lone therapy sessions after my ex husband and still find it hard. That's why whenever I begin a relationship, I don't hide my past. I know my issues and am honest about them. I am honest with myself first. That's why I'm on here. I don't want him to be blamed for all of this. I too have played a part with my own issues.
It's great that you can own your faults, but know that this is something that most people struggle with. He is to blame for HIS actions, so let him own them as well, all the way around.
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However, I wasn't the one that went to myspace singles pages behind the others back. Roles reversed, which I've thought of, I would have felt awful guilty and apologized. I didn't receive this. That doesn't make him bad, but definitely guilty. What disturbed me was his reaction with insults, condescending remarks, sarcasm and defensiveness.
You remind me of me in my former life. He's not a bad person, he's just troubled. He has a good heart, he just had a troubled childhood. I got tired of seeing how wonderfully they treated their friends and total strangers all while treating me like crap. They are bad and will remain so, IMO, until they do the work it takes to not suck the life out of the people they claim to love.
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I love this guy. I want to help him. I know from my own experience that you have to seek that on your own. It's not easy. No one is perfect.
This is not your average personality conflict, "nobody is perfect" scenario. This man has poor impulse control and that spells trouble.
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I just wanted to know if there was a way that I could help him, if he was willing, to address "our" issues together with honesty. I think too many people give up on relationships today and don't want to put in the hard work.
Even healthy relationships take work, but it's not "hard" work. It shouldn't be. Again, this is not normal. Get out of savior mode and focus on yourself. You probably should avoid being in a relationship until your judgment is at the level it should be, for your own safety and emotional well being.
Quote:
The hardest thing is facing oneself. I had to do it alone. I just want to be here for and with him. I know personally how hard it is. I just want to know if it's possible to turn something like this into something positive and long lasting with support and love. To stand by each other through the worst of things like my parents did. I don't hate him. I love him. Whether with me or not, I want the best for him. So, again, thank you for pointing this out.
Let it be enough to want these things for him and let him be. *hugs*
You know, I think BriInNH has a good point. I'm not here to make him the bad guy. Maybe we can switch things up a bit and let you the readers throw questions at me to get to the bottom of this. Whether it's my problem, his or both. You don't often see this interaction on here, so let me be the first. Throw your questions at me so this can be a more fair objective view of the situation. One where my faults or guilt is brought into play. I can only answer his side from what I've experienced, but what about my part? This might be a good way to continue this thread and may be a greater contribution to the readers. This is a common and not easy situation. The blame lies on both sides. We each, unknowingly, contribute to the messed up situations we are in. I'm honest. Give me a go! Maybe it will help me to see reality.
Thank you to everyone that's on here contributing. An outsider view sometimes can help make things clear.
My World
It's difficult for me anyway to contribute as like you said, the dynamics and relationship quirks are basically fill-in-the-blanks.
It's obvious the man is not for you and that is where it ends. If you were completely happy, or even MOSTLY happy you would be posting here maybe helping others instead of searching for that very help.
I'm a few years younger than you but I completely see what you are seeing. It is great that you can admit to faults, that is so important! When you can honestly say "I need to work on this" or "I have this bad habit here that you need to know about" that is not half the battle, it is THE battle. Sometimes the other person (you?) needs to know that there are things wrong and hear it! Not even hear a solution for the isuse, just that it be known and that it exists.
The problem with most sociopaths is that they do not think about the harm they cause! If this other person does not FEEL the impact they have on others, "lack of empathy or remorse" there are serious and disturbing habits you need to avoid completely!
No joking matter here...stay away, far away. You deserve it. Hopefully any advice by myself or others keeps you AWAY from a BAD thing and onto GOOD things!
I think what smartygurl was trying to say (ask) is that you said he didn't have internet access, then you said that you emailed him to tell him what you found out. If he only has internet access when he's at your house, then he must've read the email you sent to him while he was at your house.
Which would make one wonder...why email him instead of just talking to him when he was at your house?
I say trust or bust. It's not inappropriate to look at or talk to a member of the other sex while in a relationship however it IS inappropriate to constantly stare and continuously engage in flirtatious conversation. Some people set up hot scenarios purposefully while already engaged into a relationship whether it's to tease, keep people on the backburner or just in plain foolishness, it's almost always a setup for hurting the other person in a relationship, and if the the other person the relationship isn't hurt or doesn't do anything about it, they don't really care about the other person OR they are stuck in an abusive situation will eventually get used to the feeling and actually addicted to being hurt either emotionally or physically. that's my 2 cents
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