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I think all the people who say things like that should be mandated to visit a home and see all the elderly people in there. Having families doesn't guarantee you won't end up alone or without them.
Totally. And a larger percentage of those elderly folks are female since they live longer.
I have no desire to reproduce. It's enjoyable to meet like-minded people, but I can understand why someone *does* want children as well.
I feel similarly to you, only I fall on the side of wishing to become a parent. I definitely understand why an individual would NOT want to be a parent, even if I don't personally feel that same way.
I'm in the position where I'm wavering, for the first time in my life, on whether or not it's wise to have kids, which is sad and unfortunate, because the desire itself has not changed. Unfortunately for me, I spent a good chunk of years in a relationship with someone who was not honest about quite a few things, as it turned out, including his desire to be childfree. Had I known that, we would likely not have become a couple in the first place, and I definitely would not have spent a large chunk of what would have been the ideal years in which to start a family with him. Trust me that I'm very glad we DIDN'T start a family...but it would have been good to know before sinking years into the whole enterprise that I'll never get back and fell at a really crappy time, family planning-wise.
Having come out of that, I now am feeling rather like the choice has been made for me. I'm just old enough that I'm considerably more wary, now, about becoming a parent. I am a special education teacher and work closely with children with numerous disabilities, many of which are proven and/or speculated to be related to what is referred to as advanced maternal age, and I know that my risks are higher, thanks to the fact that I lost so many years with someone who wasn't honest with me. Having children may not be the responsible choice.
Doubly sad, because I am now with someone who is like me, and would very much like to be a parent. I wish to God that I had met him when I met my ex, but what can you do? I do feel like my ex's dishonesty has had a significant and lasting impact on my life, and has likely changed something that I always really wanted. But it's not like I can spend the rest of my life angry about that (right now, I'm plenty angry about it and am okay with that; it's still fairly fresh, but I can't feed that anger forever). Adoption is a nice idea, but not financially realistic. So it may be that it's simply too late for me, thanks to someone else's lack of honesty.
Moral of the story? Be honest about what you want. Have respect for the other person, and if you know your desires are incompatible, cut bait earlier on, versus later. Don't pretend you want something you don't. Don't allow somebody to put his or her wants on hold and subsequently risk losing the chance to have the life he or she wants because you're, for whatever reason, withholding information. Sad thing is, had my ex been honest with me, and said, "You know, I DON'T want kids," I wouldn't have judged him. I wouldn't have stayed with him (or, let's be honest, started dating him), but I wouldn't have judged him.
I also think it's unfair that so many people are trotting out the "Having kids is no guarantee against dying old and alone, because your kids will just throw you in a home" thing.
The truth is, sometimes professional care is an inevitability, and it doesn't mean that your family has abandoned you to be cared for by nefarious orderlies who will leave you festering in a diaper of your own poo while they all lie poolside in resort communities and chuckle about it.
My grandmother spent the last decade of her life with debilitating Alzheimer's Disease. When her dementia began but was not yet incapacitating, she made my dad her power of attorney and estate executor, and as she was our neighbor, asked that we help her to stay living in her home as long as she could. We did that. We supervised her every day, even with both my parents working full time. Someone always checked in on her throughout the day. When she could no longer be alone in the house, drive safely, or safely navigate our community on her own, we hired a full-time, live-in RN. When her dementia became more severe, and her needs became too great for one nurse and family members to attend to without respite, we moved her into a skilled care facility. WHEN THERE WAS NO OTHER SAFE CHOICE, BECAUSE SHE COULD NOT BE KEPT SAFE ANY OTHER WAY THAN AROUND-THE-CLOCK MONITORING AND CARE. She was visited every day, in fact, the facility was only a block from my apartment. Nobody wanted her there. She stayed in her home well past the point most dementia sufferers are able to, because my family knew it was what she wanted.
Having to place a loved one in a skilled nursing facility because you don't have the medical skills or security precautions necessary to meet their needs isn't something that most people take lightly. It also doesn't mean that you don't love them, don't commit to spending time with them, or cease being a part of their lives.
I feel like the idea that adult children just can't wait to toss parents in a home and throw away the key is a bit of hurtful hyperbole propegated by people who are going overboard a bit to try and justify why their choices are "right." Really, if you're of the childfree persuasion and are secure and solid in your commitment to it, you shouldn't really need the "kids just throw their elders away, anyway" rhetoric to bolster your case, and you really shouldn't even be worrying about whether or not you are perceived as "right."
People get so riled up about being discriminated against because of this or that. There are all sorts of standards and preferences that people have, some fair, some unfair, and that's just something we all have to deal with.
I am not sure if there is such a thing as "fair discrimination". But when it comes to dating, different people have different preferences.
It is truly unfair for women because like it or not, admit it or not, women do have to worry about having kids and all that stuff.
Men in their late 30s and 40s still considered to be in their prime. Women are taught to lower their standard simply because their eggs are getting old.
I just want to enjoy my life when I am still young. I cannot think about the past, nor do I want to worry about the future, both worlds drive me crazy.
My ex-wife and I were mutually adamant about not having kids, I for philosophical reasons and she for lifestyle reasons. After nearly a decade of marriage, she divorced me because she changed her mind and decided that it was imperative to become a mother after all.
I have immense respect for women who choose to remain child-free, whether they prefer marriage or not. Unfortunately my personal experience renders it difficult to trust that a woman who’s decidedly child-free at 25 will remain that way at 40.
I'm sorry, that must have been very difficult for you. I can't imagine how angry that would have made me. If my future husband decides he wants a child, I'm open to it. If he says no, I'm also open to it.
I tend not to form opinions either way on whether or not someone chooses to get married or have kids. As long as they're doing it for the RIGHT reasons, anyway.
I've seen too many friends who decided to have kids for all of the wrong reasons. One did it to get back at her ex and thought it would tie him to her. (It did the opposite). Another because she thought it was the girl she was finally hoping for despite the fact she's on welfare and gave up her 3 sons for adoption.
I decided not to have them because it's just not for me. I'm not mother material. If push came to shove, sure I could be a great mother, I just don't have any desire to go down that path. Luckily my SO feels the same way. For him, I know it might be tougher because his family name will die with him as he's an only child. For me, my parents already have 6 grandchildren, so they don't need me to give them any additional ones. Plus I'll be turning 39 this year and suffer from diabetes. Even if I changed my mind tomorrow and decided I wanted them, there would be a load of health risks involved. Plus too many things run in my family that I would not want to pass on.
I do want to get married again, and have no issue with those that don't. The only time I question things is when it comes down to benefits and other things like that. For instance, one woman I know has been with her guy for 20 years. They have 4 kids together. They also don't have common law marriage here in NY. However he recently suffered a heart attack. If something happens to him, she may not be entitled to his benefits because she is not legally his wife. In cases like this, I think it becomes a rude awakening for those who chose not to get married.
Totally. And a larger percentage of those elderly folks are female since they live longer.
True, true. And most of them spent their lives putting others first and being that nurturing mother that society loves so much.
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