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Wow I missed this thread..it's an oldie but a goodie..I am married, in my mid 30s and don't want kids. I knew that since I was age 15. 2 guys I dated actually dumped me because I told them this during our courtship!! My first boyfriend said "you will change your mind". Guess what? I haven't ! I'm now approaching 40 and really feel the same. I dated another guy who just didn't believe me.
When I told my husband he was elated. All his ex girlfriends were interested in kids at some point and he did not think he would ever meet a girl in my age bracket (28-35) who was certain motherhood was off the table, until me I just know they are not for me, I don't envy any of my female friends who are moms now. Really don't.
When I told my husband he was elated. All his ex girlfriends were interested in kids at some point and he did not think he would ever meet a girl in my age bracket (28-35) who was certain motherhood was off the table, until me I just know they are not for me, I don't envy any of my female friends who are moms now. Really don't.
Isn't it funny? I mean, a lot of men and women scour the earth looking for the perfect father/mother for their yet-to-exist children! For me and my S.O., this was never an issue. I never looked at him and wondered if he'd make a good father, and he didn't consider if I'd be a good mom. We're simply us, and I love "us."
I still believe in marriage. Just because I don't want to have children doesn't mean that I don't want to say my "I dos" again. I like the idea of being someone's family member, legally. I think that a lot of people who eschew this type of formal commitment might be throwing the nice, warm bathwater out with the baby. Marriage and kids are not part and parcel — you can have one without the other.
I don't think much of it, I don't see anything wrong with someone not wanting to do these things. I do however respect a strong marriage and wish everybody would take it seriously, but really it's each to their own.
I agree that people who are strong enough to admit and accept that they don't want kids/can't handle kids/are not the right person/not in a good position to have kids. That's not selfish at all. So many people bring kids into this world that they can't afford or were not prepared for in some other way.
Some people may secretly regret having kids and never say anything. Other people may not regret having kids per se, but they may regret some aspects of it, i.e., wish they waited, did more with their lives, became a more worldly person, found a better partner, etc. Other people wouldn't trade their kids or the experience for the world. Then there are some that might not trade their kids for the world but wouldn't give one red cent for another one.
Wow I missed this thread..it's an oldie but a goodie..I am married, in my mid 30s and don't want kids. I knew that since I was age 15. 2 guys I dated actually dumped me because I told them this during our courtship!! My first boyfriend said "you will change your mind". Guess what? I haven't ! I'm now approaching 40 and really feel the same. I dated another guy who just didn't believe me.
When I told my husband he was elated. All his ex girlfriends were interested in kids at some point and he did not think he would ever meet a girl in my age bracket (28-35) who was certain motherhood was off the table, until me I just know they are not for me, I don't envy any of my female friends who are moms now. Really don't.
I applaud those who know that they do not want children and choose to ignore the outside pressures (societal, spousal or otherwise) to have them. Children are a huge responsibility and not everyone is honest enough with themselves to understand the desire and lifestyle sacrifices needed to be a good parent.
On another note, I can certainly understand how your first boyfriend figured that you would change your mind. A good friend of mine dated a girl for about 8 yrs before they ended up getting married. The whole time they were dating she was adamant about not having children. She definitely had me more than convinced. I knew that my friend did not want any children as well so they were like 2 peas in a pod for a long time. However, about 2 years after they got married her views on raising children did a 180. My friend wasn't in the business of having children just to make her happy and kind of felt duped by the sudden change. Needless to say, the marriage ended shortly thereafter.
I never really approached him about it because his divorce was really none of my business but it's my guess that his ex's folks were putting pressure on his ex because they wanted grandchildren. I figured this and the fact that she was approaching her mid-30's were reasons why she may have made such a sudden philosophical change regarding children.
I don't necessarily agree with it but familial pressure can also play a big role in having children without getting married. Adding to this pressure the understanding that having children only gets more difficult as women age, it may become easier for some women to put the idea of marriage on the back burner in lieu of children.
I was speaking to a friend of mine at a party on the weekend, and she has been with her partner for nearly 10 years. She said she didn't have/want kids because her and her partner like their lives the way they are. Some people praised her, some insinuated she was selfish, some told her she'd regret it.
I was discussing it with my ex flatmate recently and I said to her there is more to life than kids and marriage. She said there wasn't.
A lot of my "hippier" friends don't "believe" in marriage because they don't think a piece of paper and a ring is needed to validate their love. One even told me their words to each other are like vows every day.
Where do you stand? I know if I told my parents I didn't want either of these things they would be terribly disappointed!
I'm not sure how people make these kind of value judgments on how someone else chooses to live their lives. If she elects to not have kids, it's neither selfish nor unselfish. Selfishness simply doesn't enter in to the equation.
At the same time, I'm not one of those believers in the "marriage is just a piece of paper" kind of argument. To me, it's a bit naive. Marriage is very much a partnership, romantic, legal, and financial. So marriage is more than a way to say "I'm all in," but rather a way to keep splitting up from being easy. I've known two couples who cruised along for years, smugly believing that marriage was a trivial and outdated institution, only to have one of the partners walk out at the drop of a hat. One couple, the woman met someone new at work, didn't tell the guy, and simply packed up and moved while he was out of town, and leaving him holding the bag on a mortgage that was in his name. The other, a woman faced a long-time boyfriend who just wasn't into the relationship anymore, who had made career sacrifices to stay in their relationship, but had no financial recourse to assets that, otherwise, would have been consider marital assets. So if you plan to be in it for the long haul, I'd say that marriage is actually a source of stability and comfort for both parties way beyond strictly religious reasons.
It's not something I understand since I've felt the desire to be a mother since I can remember and I do think these people will miss out on some wonderful experiences, but their choices are their own and I don't yet feel the need to tell them how to live their lives. Whatever floats your boat.
Personally, The CF Life forum is a little too milquetoast to me; I prefer the harder edge of some other CF groups. But TCFL is a good place to be introduced to internet CF communication.
Isn't it funny? I mean, a lot of men and women scour the earth looking for the perfect father/mother for their yet-to-exist children! For me and my S.O., this was never an issue. I never looked at him and wondered if he'd make a good father, and he didn't consider if I'd be a good mom. We're simply us, and I love "us."
I still believe in marriage. Just because I don't want to have children doesn't mean that I don't want to say my "I dos" again. I like the idea of being someone's family member, legally. I think that a lot of people who eschew this type of formal commitment might be throwing the nice, warm bathwater out with the baby. Marriage and kids are not part and parcel — you can have one without the other.
It's not really a marriage..no offense..but a sweet arrangement that suits both..so - other than the legality of formal marriage- why would bother getting married-
My view would appear back wards to some...I believe that two people who could be married in the church and by the state...a dozen times are not really married.
If two people get together and have a child and they are not formally married...they are MORE married than those without the child.
It just strikes me as the end of the line..when you see an old couple who intentionally never had children...after a thousand years of breeding...they end the lineage...besides...what is so bad about having a kid.....it is easy...sex...nine months later and there you go...........DONE...the rest takes care of itself.
In my maturity...it really does not matter in my mind now if people breed or do not....I have found that kids are wealth...and I choose to be very rich...and they are insurance in your frail old age...No matter how much money you have when you are older...no one will sincerely give a damn...unless you pay them to care.
It's not really a marriage..no offense..but a sweet arrangement that suits both..so - other than the legality of formal marriage- why would bother getting married-
My view would appear back wards to some...I believe that two people who could be married in the church and by the state...a dozen times are not really married.
If two people get together and have a child and they are not formally married...they are MORE married than those without the child.
It just strikes me as the end of the line..when you see an old couple who intentionally never had children...after a thousand years of breeding...they end the lineage...besides...what is so bad about having a kid.....it is easy...sex...nine months later and there you go...........DONE...the rest takes care of itself.
In my maturity...it really does not matter in my mind now if people breed or do not....I have found that kids are wealth...and I choose to be very rich...and they are insurance in your frail old age...No matter how much money you have when you are older...no one will sincerely give a damn...unless you pay them to care.
besides...what is so bad about having a kid.....it is easy...sex...nine months later and there you go...........DONE...the rest takes care of itself.
Ha!!
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I just know they are not for me, I don't envy any of my female friends who are moms now. Really don't. 
